Motivation

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 4) – Closure in Walking On” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 19

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

This is part four of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1 

Click Here for Part 2

Click Here for Part 3

All of what has come before in this series has been about getting to this post. I want final closure on a lot of this and so writing is for me a way of working through all that.  How successful I have been with this will be revealed in time. I don’t want to write on this stuff again.  There are scars and aspects of some of this I will probably carry for the rest of my life, but I want to speak of them as little as possible and only when I have to do so.

This last post will take the form of me having one-sided conversations with some of the various people I have mentioned already.  This is an idea given to me from a book that was suggested to my wife and I called – Words Can Change Your Brain by Newberg and Waldman.  It has a way of bringing closure but also I have another objective.  Some of these people I no longer have contact with and I just want to say my piece to them as if they were there and then walk away.  My life awaits and it is time to start living it more fully.  I can’t do that with these emotional weights on my back. If I carry anything as The Grey Wayfarer, it needs to be only what I need to carry.  This shit isn’t something I need anymore. I am hoping this is a way to put it all down and walk on.

So who am going to talk to?: The Dirty Pig, My Former Congregation, Miss Salty’s Family, Miss Salty, and two conversations with myself – The Old Me and the New Me.  Basically a list of people I need to walk on from and one person that needs to move on. This is going to be painful.  But also completely necessary for ‘Final’ Closure.

To the Dirty Pig:

I have rehearsed what I would say to you if we ever ran into each other again many times, it boils down to the following list.

  1. I trusted you to handle things as my friend, you said you would, but you never really were my friend, just a poser who pretended to be so for his own advantage.
  2. If you even hold your hand out to me know I already have a response that goes something like this:  “Take that hand and shine it up pretty, turn it sideways and shove it up to your ass.” Sorry, that it is as warm and friendly as it is going to get.
  3. I should have known because the trail of bodies that represents former ‘friends’ of yours that lays behind you in a long line and now I am just one of them. Does it ever bother you, that people are so disposable to you?
  4. What hurts the most, if the roles had been reversed, is I would have given you the benefit of the doubt and time to think things over some more because I cared for you as a friend. It hurt even more because you tricked me into not confessing to my congregation so you could play that to your advantage – you were a coward and stabbed me in the back.  You did me personal harm and damage even though I never did any to you.  Had to ‘teach me a lesson”. What a self-righteous and sanctimonious fuck you are.
  5. I really hope that you get over your narcism and pathological tendency to bend the world around you to the lies you tell yourself. You need help.
  6. If you really care for the church, resign as a moderator and don’t be involved for a few years. Better yet, never again.
  7. I wish you a long but miserable life. I hope what goes around comes around is true for you. I have no desire for revenge because it is stupid, but know this – if an opportunity for justice presents itself to me, I will not hesitate to take it.  You have no friend in me anymore, I am your enemy. Your best course of action is to mind your own business, and if you see me, walk the other direction. I will certainly do the same.

To  My Former Congregation:

This has three parts:

  1. To those of you who voted to fire me.  I have forgiven all of you but you as my former flock disappoint me as much as I may have disappointed you. I may have hurt you, but you hurt me back which I don’t think you could classify as ‘Chrisitan’. If you see me and are not prepared in some way or form to say you are sorry, then just keep walking.   I stand by my statement that I feel I was judged, not for the nine and a half years I loved you and cared for you, but for the one bad decision I made at the end.
  2. To those who didn’t vote to me fire – thanks for listening and remembering. I have talked with many of you but I don’t know if I have talked with all of you.  I am glad you listened to me and remembered my teachings over the years.
  3. To those that have asked for forgiveness directly – thanks.  Most of you have left the church with much the same observations of the Dirty Pig as me.  So I am glad I am not alone.  You are always welcome at my door, just call first.  Some of you are friends and will remain so.

To Miss Salty’s Family:

I offer my apologies to you.  I know my reaction if it had been my niece, daughter, etc., would have been much the same as yours. That said, I feel your largest problem was that you couldn’t accept that Miss Salty had grown up.  The one thing for sure is I would have never hurt her or asked her to do anything she didn’t want to do.   You probably won’t believe this but the whole thing was indeed mutual from the very beginning.  Sorry for the feelings caused, but I don’t expect your forgiveness.  You don’t have to.  You can take comfort in the fact that the way she broke up with me was such I will have trust issues with her for a long time, and there isn’t really much of a possibility of a relationship in the future in any case with me being back with my wife. I wish you all health and happiness.

To Miss Salty: 

Of all the messages I had to write in this post the one to you Miss Salty is the hardest.  I have imagined how this conversation would go many times and it comes out different each time.  I am hoping by writing it this time, it will be more concrete.

I ain’t going to lie, I miss you. But I struggle with who exactly I miss. Was it really you or the character you were playing?  Was it MaKala, Miss Salty, Elpis or someone else?  I do know that whoever she was, she came into my life at a very cold, dark time and offered a lot of warmth and light. For that, I thank her, whoever she was.  She was truly the salt in my life that gave it flavor at the time. She will always be Miss Salty to me. There will always be a small piece of my heart that loves her. It is just the way I am.  I don’t know if not being able to get rid of love completely for a woman I have loved is a blessing or curse sometimes.  Please don’t take advantage of it.

I also know that I try very hard to remember the good and to forget the bad but without too much success.  I don’t know what to do about that, I am hoping someday to get some personal counseling on it. I still write poems but they are difficult because you are remembered every damn time. August 2nd, I found myself crying over the remembered emotions from last year and so it is the pain that is hardest to get over. There a hole missing in my life that no person or thing seems to be able to fill now. Maybe with time, it will.  I hope so. There is also a scared over slash in my heart that is still healing but it bleeds still on the inside.

I want you to live life. I want you to find someone that loves you for you.  Be who you really are and find the person who loves you for who you are – all the good, bad, ugly and the beautiful parts of you. You are worth that. Never forget you are worth that.

I applaud you for at least having the courage to do what you did and you did it to my face. Unlike one I have already talked to above, you were far braver.  I am sorry he used you to get to me, but that is his nature.  I said it before and I say it again – The Dirty Pig is not your friend.  Remember that.  Remember you are disposable to him if no longer sees a use for you, I found that out the hard way.  Please don’t be another one of his discarded people. Don’t let yourself be another one of his ‘friendship’ casualties.

I just wish how you did it was different, so I didn’t have so many questions.  That said, trying to contact me with answers would be a bad idea unless you can find a way that doesn’t involve social media (you’re blocked for obvious reasons) or direct contact (I am not sure how I would take that).  I will just have to learn to live with my ignorance.  It wouldn’t be the first time I had to do so.

I hold nothing against you, but one thing.  I think you need to tell people and yourself the truth about your role in all this being mutual and not me manipulating you.  You know that is not true. I think you need to show some courage and face the consequences of that truth. I don’t know if I would ever hear about it, but I think for your own sake, you need to do it. Being truthful with yourself is a hard thing – I know. But it is better that way.

I have said goodbye before to you and yet, despite it all, you are there.  All pictures are deleted or destroyed, the books were thrown away along with the first aid kit. The rock you gave me also gone. I deleted The Hedge completely.  I have tried to be very thorough in getting rid of any reminder of you out of my life, and yet, there you are.  Sometimes in troubling dreams or in thoughts when I see or read something we used to talk about. Songs we talked about come to my ear, and there you are. I have tried to say a permanent goodbye so many times in my heart but can never seem to make it have the effect of healing I want.  This is going to be a slow goodbye for me, I can tell. No getting around it.

It has been a year since I heard those words from your lips – “I can’t do this” and they still echo in my heart like ripples back and forth on a pond.  I am trying to love my wife more and more each day, but your ghost or the ghost of what I thought was you haunt me.  Worse still is the possibility that someday we might very well run into each other, and then I am not sure what my reaction will be.  I guess if that happens, it will speak for itself.

Goodbyes are difficult for me and I am coming to the painful conclusion that they might be impossible regarding you.  I don’t know yet, I have to walk this out and see.  You hurt me and yet, I find it impossible to hate you.  You left me lonely and alone and yet…I don’t feel any malice.  Maybe somebody can help me someday with this. I hope so because it makes things more difficult than they need to be. The Grey gets triggered because of it and it would be nice if that stopped happening.

I would say goodbye, but your ghost still follows me. So its ‘goodbye’ in quotes for now and maybe someday, with enough time, you will haunt me less. I hope so.

To My Old Self – Pastor Ed:

You need to go, buddy.  You sacrifice too much of yourself and then you end up hurting yourself and people you love.  You have long been a liability to yourself.  You need to go. You’re a good guy, but you are also self-destructive.  You need to go. I know some people will miss you and I will too, but you cost me too much over the years to maintain anymore.  You need to go. You are just not a really good friend to me anymore. You need to go. You make yourself vulnerable and people take advantage of us. You need to go.  Goodbye, Pastor Ed.

To My New Self – The Grey Wayfarer:

It’s time to get up and walk again.  You have had your conversations here on the side of the road and now, you need to get up, grab your spear, pull your cloak around you, whistle for the wolves and ravens and walk on.  It’s time to move on and be yourself.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.  If some choose to catch up with you and talk to you that is one thing, or people cross your path again that is OK.  Old friends and those you know are always welcome to walk with you for a time. But you know it is dangerous to look back and think of all the would haves and should-haves.  It’s the path behind and there is no changing where your footsteps already are.

Time to walk into the future.  Time to face the unknown with courage, honor, and truth.  Time to live your life, be self-reliant, work hard and give generously as you can.  Time to maintain disciplined steps, keep getting up when you fail and stay loyal to those who have shown themselves loyal to you. Keep walking.  The ghosts of the past are going to haunt you from time to time, but find a way to be at peace with them and keep walking. The Grey Storm is going to come from time to time. Learn to walk through it and be better for it.

Time to truly become,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Asatru and Perseverance” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Perseverance

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Discussion:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

It seems simple enough, doesn’t it?  Keep getting up no matter how hard life knocks you down, you put your feet back under you and stand up.  I can tell you from long experience, this is more a matter of will than anything.  The world can be a hostile and difficult place to try to achieve something.  If you fail to get up, you will join the long list of people who did not do so and now dwell in mediocrity and obscurity.

Of all the virtues, I find this one the most natural to myself.  Not to say that it isn’t tested on a regular basis, but I faced my first real test of perseverance in high school on the football field.  But four years of hard grinding practices designed to make you quit, then break you down and then build you back up.  Never missing one practice just for the chance to play a game.  For my chance at Friday Night Lights and the glory therein.  I never got much playing time, but the lessons of getting back up and to keep working never left me.

Website: Ravenbok – The particular page is: The Values of Asatru

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

The failure to persevere means one thing.  You are done.  To not be done you have to get up and try again.   If I can’t get you to understand this basic concept perseverance teaches, then nothing else is possible. Never quit is the start fo all success.

Wants (Freki):

It is the success that leads us to why we want perseverance.  If we don’t quit, if we keep getting back up, then success will happen eventually. Maybe not in the way we want or to the degree we want, but no opportunity for success involves laying on the ground and waiting for it to come to you. If you want something you have to go get it and if you get blocked, inhibited or nocked down, you have to keep trying. To get what you want is going to involve getting back up.

Reason (Huginn):

In my studies, I have never noted a person who didn’t fail from time to time.  Most of the successful people I know failed sometimes many times.  Reason suggests that failure is not the enemy of success but the builder of the virtue of Perseverance if you embrace it.

Wisdom (Muninn):

If experience teaches wisdom, then perseverance seems to be its main avenue.  It is the primary experience of getting up after every failure that leads to the most wisdom and success.

Conclusion:

I have little problems with perseverance.  I think this last year would stand as exhibit A from my life for that.  My strength has come from never giving up no matter how dark Life or The Grey gets. I keep walking and getting up and walking.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Loyal Like Sigyn” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day.  Also a Happy Birthday to my wife. 

Journal Entry:

Sigyn is the goddess of loyalty and there is only one tale that survives that shows what this means.  She is the wife of Loki and Loki’s punishment for killing the beloved god Baldur is to have a snake drop deadly venom on his forehead.  Sigyn demonstrates her loyalty to Loki by using a cup to catch those drops so they do not hit his forehead. Periodically it was said that she had to leave to dump the cup and this is when Loki would feel the venom and writhe in agony causing earthquakes.

I am not sure if Sigyn is a good or bad example of loyalty.  It is also questionable how she is loyal to – Loki or humanity.  Is she trying to prevent the suffering of Loki or humanity at the hands of the earthquakes Loki causes as he responds to the agony of the venom?  She doesn’t display loyalty to the rest of the gods as she is trying very much to interfere with the decree of Odin.  If anything this story provides a great example of how fidelity or loyalty can get pretty complicated.

What I feel is needed with fidelity/loyalty is simple – priorities of loyalty. Rules also would help.  I will probably discuss this in greater detail in my post in a few weeks in Of Wolves and Ravens when I touch on Asatru and Fidelity. My initial thoughts are to prioritize my loyalty among the list of divine, family, friends, and self. and then create those rules that create a balanced understanding.  The thing is after so many years of being loyal to others at the expense of being loyal to myself, I feel loyalty to myself needs to be first. Then Loyalty to the rest is a sort of circle of fidelity around me. There is much thought an meditation to do here yet, so I will leave it at that.

For now, the story of Sigyn inspires thought on the subject of fidelity if nothing else.  For that this one fragment of her story that survives is beneficial in that regard.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

Nutritionally, I need to tighten things down a little and get the carbs as much as possible out fo my life again.  If there is anything I struggle with specifically it is things like bread and other common American diet things like that that are still in very limited ways part fo my diet. I am at the point where more micromanagement of my diet might be necessary to lose any more fat.  Since March of 2018, I have dropped from 348 lbs. to 280 lbs. through a combination of moving toward a more Paleo Diet, weightlifting and walking. At this point, it is simply a matter of getting more specific in the dietary aspects.  I am probably 80 % Paleo and I need to get to over 90 to 95 % with maybe a cheat meal once per week so eat things I enjoy.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

I think I have become too reliant on 13-week sections of weightlifting as far as the planning.  By the 8th or 9th week it is hard to stay focused on the same routine.  I am thinking, starting next week that my programs will be two months long instead of three with automatic changes every two months instead.  This might keep things fresh. I am also thinking I ma ready to start adding in the barbell exercises again. Walking is becoming difficult as my boots are getting worn and I need to change them out.  I really need that new job soon as there is a lot of little things that are starting to pile up that need monetary attention.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

I have already talked about my loyalty issues above, but the main thing is loyalty to myself.  That cannot be overemphasized. If my other relationships undercut my loyalty to me, then it is going to be hard for me to maintain them.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I am trying to make wise decisions here.  What is the most loving thing to do?  What is the justest thing to do? What is the wisest thing to do? All of this focuses on myself though, because if I lose me, then all is lost.  I already know what happens when I forget myself and sacrifice everything for others.  I end up destroyed and doing very foolish things.  The wisest course will involve the most love, justice, and wisdom that is self-directed first and then to others second.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

My son and I have started a kind of two-person book club and we will be starting to read a book together.  It is a natural fit in my reading slot here.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Hospitable Like Frigg” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day

Journal Entry:

Of all the Norse Goddesses, there is none more revered and honored than Frigg.  Freya has her place, but she is more of the party girl/warrior whose motto seems very much to be “if you can’t lay ’em, slay ’em”.  Frigg, by contrast, is close to hearth and home.  She is the living image of the household matriarch who rules her realms with a firm but loving hand. You don’t really think of her as a war goddess like you do with Freya, but that doesn’t mean that sometimes she doesn’t pick up sword and spear to defend hearth and home.

Hospitality is about taking some of your abundance achieved through Self-Reliance and Industriousness and using it to provide a means of refuge.  I say means of refuge rather than a home because in modern times followers of Asatru have had to find new ways of expressing hospitality. Finding ways to be a sharing person is not only in some ways more challenging given our more internet-based culture, but there are different ways to do it thanks to the same technology.

Frigg reminds me of all the women and a few men in my life who when I came over to their houses and crossed their threshold, I found myself feeling right at home.  not because they always had a lot, but simply because they were willing to share with me a relative stranger as if I was family. A lost a dying art if you ask me. One that I hope to revive in my own life.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual but also for the family, clan, tribe, and nation.”

Principle: To achieve and maintain personal independence and advocate for independence in my family, state and nation.

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by September 2019.

Bucket List: To own and run my own successful business or company by March 2029.

Still engaged in a very active job search thee days.  I just am now pretty open to the location of where I might end up.  I was accused of being picky, but that is not so much true as it is probably more difficult at my age to switch careers than anything else.  I do have a little time to be picky but mostly it is the ‘thanks for considering this position, we will get back to you” followed by a silence that is the most common thing.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published by March 2022.

My novel is something I would enjoy reading and for the first time, I think I am on to something here. With all the epic, end of the world scenario, fantasy tales out there, it is nice to just have a group of friends on a simple adventure.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

As I look at my bucket list item and goal here, I see that the main goal is simply to create a place where people can be hospitable and enjoy the hospitality I could provide. Life needs more of these places and I simply want my home to be one.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I was reflecting on justice and mercy the other day.  I do wrestle with some of the people that wronged me.  Don’t get me wrong I have hurt people myself as far as people’s feelings, but my intentions have never been violent nor did I have a desire to take what isn’t mine to take. That was not reciprocated and mostly I have come to dislike people that use their illusion of respectability others have of them to do some dirty underhanded things, and then justify it because of the ends. For these people, forgiveness doesn’t enter the equation as I consider them.  Justice, however, does.

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Weightlifting: Gym time – 1 hour after work.
  5. Writing: Half-Hour on top of the blogging routine each day. Alternate between Non-Fiction Book and Novel.
  6. Language Study: A half-hour on Latin
  7. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, other actions, etc.
  8. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  9. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

Working the workday is interesting but difficult. I hope this gets easier as the memories of last summer start to fade.  If they fade.

Still walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Truthful Like Syn” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Norse Mythology has a goddess of truth – Syn.  She is the goddess of truth, watchfulness, and doorways. Doorways and thresholds are probably more significant in this culture because it let someone in your door has obligations for the guest and the host, so it was important that no one was not supposed to cross that threshold without being who they said they were.  The truth of discerning this lays in the realm of Syn’s sphere.

I suppose the analogy is a sound one.  Learning to distinguish what is true and thus should enter your thoughts both of heart and head is a noble skill and so the image of a guard at a door is a sound one when it comes to truth.  Discernment is a big part of knowing the truth from a lie.

For me, the truth has not always been an easy thing.  Everyone lies and has lied, including me.  I did a lot of lying last year to cover up an affair I was having, but in truth, I was not very good at it, because I am simply not comfortable with the emotions my lying causes me.  Being an empath means I can feel the emotions of a person I am talking to.

The problem with me and lying to someone is the emotions they are feeling because of the lie’s effect on them, don’t harmonize with my fear when I lie.  So it makes me extremely conflicted.  If Miss Salty hadn’t decided to come clean and asked me to do the same, (which was a welcome relief from my emotional struggle about it) I would have just come clean myself sooner probably more than later because of this emotional conflict. I would have come unglued I think because of the pressure of it all very quickly.  It was at the time already being very emotionally draining after only a week.

Since leaving Christianity, I have made a commitment to the truth, which was probably the hardest on others during the blog I was writing when I first left Christendom. That blog, called The Rabyd Microphone which no longer exists, was me being dangerously truthful.  It hurt others to be truthful at that level.  So my commitment to the Virtue of Truth includes now the idea of being silent in the presence of fools.  There is also an unwritten rule in that of being very careful how truth is presented so as not to hurt others.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Today’s post is 302 consecutive days of posting for The Grey Wayfarer.  The Skald’s Lyre on Saturn’s Day was 300 days.  Only 63 more to go.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

No progress here but also no regression.  Just looking at the whole tattoo thing and the act of societal rebellion as possible bucket list items to cross off.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I have to talk a deep breath here.  My book is about the truth about Christianity and The Bible.  As a Bible scholar and Theologian with degrees to prove it, it is going to be raw truth and that is going to probably hurt some people.  That said, someone like me needs to step into this arena of ideas and say their piece, and I think that someone should be me.

Higher Virtue: Love:

If there is one thing that holds over from Christianity, it is the Bible’s observation that love rejoices in the truth.  I have to admit I am a lot happier these days.  Being truthful with myself about my faith and life was the first step to that.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

I feel I really need to stay on point with the routines this week.  The worst part of the memories and the Grey Storm that goes with them is this week and I really need to stay focused on the things that make me stay focused to get through it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Persevering Like Idun” – A Skald’s Life -Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Idun is the goddess of spring and renewal and my choice to represent Perseverance this week.  The reason is the whole notion of spring coming out of winter every year is very much a story of life continuing to persevere.  It rises out of death to live again and there is renewal.  Renewal being an example fo perseverance.

Idun also keeps the golden apples of immortality for the gods. She was kidnapped once and this caused the gods to age, she endured imprisonment until Loki rescued her.  She depicted as a beautiful woman and in its own way perseverance is very beautiful.

For myself, I can see how my continued getting up has preserved me and renewed me.  But looking at Idun I can see it has the quality of making things new and stronger.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To Be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

One thing needs to be said about my rebellious act.  There is another bucket list of a sort that I have that is unwritten.  Experiences I have denied myself because of my former faith and that is a lot of what this rebellious act is about.  Making sure I live a little.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Things going pretty smoothly here.  No worries at present.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

As I become more pagan in my mindset, heritage becomes far more important.  Knowing where I came from is pretty deep for me. It weighs more on my mind all the time.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I am starting to draw a lot of wisdom from the stories in Norse Mythology. I can see why these stories endured and were told by them.  The values of the Norse/Germanic people can be plainly seen in them.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

My son and I have started a kind of two-person book club and we will be starting to read a book together.  It is a natural fit in my reading slot here.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Different Values” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 15

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Tyr’s Day:

Yeah, I know.  It’s another week without “Of Wolves and Ravens”.  I need to get back to it for my own sake but right now the Grey is a ‘normal’ thing.  I knew July, in particular, would be difficult because of all that happened during this month last year and the reason is the memories are not necessarily bad ones.  It’s kind of like reading a story that has a lot of good things in it and happy times but you know a tragedy is going to hit at the end. Like following your favorite character in a story only to have them die suddenly.  It is that kind of emotion when you look at the story arc in retrospect.

The difference, of course, is the story is mine and I am the character so it is all too real and personal.

Another thing is I keep running into people from my past life as a pastor.  People I haven’t, in some cases, seen in over a year keep finding their way into my life. I play it cool but inside I would rather be far away. That journey is over and I want to leave the pain of it behind along with the people in the story as well.  They turned out to be characters that are not dynamic at all, just who reveal their true nature when someone doesn’t measure up to their expectations.

Of course, this leads to my real problem which is coming to terms in all aspects of my life with a different set of values I now possess.  What is important to me has changed and not in small ways but large ones. A loss of faith and a reevaluation of life will do that to you.  The questions that trouble my mind are ones that would make the writers of Babylon 5 proud: Who are you?  What do you want? Why are you here?

My oldest son recently observed I seem to be searching for something.  Something I haven’t found yet.  The young man has good insight.  I don’t call myself the Grey Wayfarer because it is just a fun persona. It is in many ways the philosophy of my life and one identity that seems to fit me with the expression as the motto of my life: “Not all who wander are lost”. It seems that my values involve a lot of searching and becoming something, but the one thing they do not involve is stagnancy or being unchanging.  For me change, and the chaos and joys that go with it, is becoming more of a desire than a fear.

The Grey is the thing that causes me to be stagnant at times, unchanging and that is the devil of it. The demon I understand.  It is why it is so important to force myself to change when I am depressed.  To keep doing something and keep walking through it is my therapy.

Perhaps that is why I write every single day.  Writing is a lot of things but I would never describe it as stagnant.  It is flowing and changing constantly. The creative process is like that. It is when I can’t write that I worry about me.

The point is also that the Nine Noble Virtues call one to improve and get better.  You can’t be a follower of the Nine without changing.  Every single one of them calls for change and so change is an essential part of my foundational philosophy.  The problem may be that some people in my life are too attached to where we are relationally, and to be in a relationship with me requires you to walk with me from time to time, and where I am is never the same.

I am sure there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer post very soon.  Hopefully, it won’t fall on Tyr’s Day again.  But this week was some good insight into what makes me keep going because, as I will probably write next time, there are a lot of forces trying to compel me to quit and give up. The Grey is strong, but my desire for change is stronger so I keep walking and seeking what I am looking for.  I will know when I find it what it was.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Courage Like Freya” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

I have already talked about the god of justice and courageous valor a couple weeks ago with Tyr.  So with hi crossed off the list who to go with?  Freya is the next obvious choice.  1) She is one of the choosers of the slain for her hall.  Hall the fallen warriors go to her and the other half to Odin’s Valhalla.  2) She is the goddess of love and war. 3)  I think she represents courage in a broad sense, not just of the battle nature, but that bold confidence in dealing with relationships as difficult as love.

For me, this foundational example of taking the courageous risk to love and form new friendships is the challenge.  Freya calls one to take that risk despite past hurts and dangers.  To understnad, it takes courage to form new friendships and love is her heart.  Not only the war courage but the loving courage too. Confidence and pose no matter what is what Freya’s example teaches.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Today’s post is 295 consecutive days of posting for The Grey Wayfarer.  Getting close to passing the 300-day mark and ten straight months. Getting close now so need to stay focused and prepared.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Just a not on a lot of my goals here as what some of them hinge on is a new job. Mostly a better-paying one. But I also see in my goals and bucket list items that this job needs to lead to a career that I enjoy.  I have some life left to live and some bucket list items to cross off that depend on that too.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Two things I need to get better at are studying Latin and writing.  Period. That’s the Truth.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I have a conflict of love right now.  Self-love vs. self-sacrifice is a big issue for me.  I have done a lot of the latter in my life and very little of the former.  Time switch that up for a while.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Slipped a little on this one this week.  But for the most part, the important things are intact.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Songs About the Wolf Within” – The Skald’s Lyre

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

In the fantasy genre of literature, the wolf and werewolf are very symbolic of the wild untamed side of the human experience. There is a sensual and animalistic point to the image of a wolf or a man/woman transforming into a werewolf.  In the world of music, there are songs about this animalistic side of humanity and they often use the image of the wolf. It’s not coincidental that this is so the image of wolves and men is an old one and a very powerful one.

This Skald’s Lyre is a little different.  It is about a type of song that relates to the human experience coupled with one of my favorite genres of books and film – fantasy.  In particular the world of fantasy horror and the wolf and werewolf image.  The music attempts to capture this essence in both lyrics and setting the tone with the music. It often does a very good job at both.

Personal Significance:

Today I am not going to list my personal significance with each song as that is not really the point.  For me, there are simply some good songs that call to my animal side or remind me that I have one. For me, the image of the wolf is center to my heart and self-identity so that fits too.

I have had two conversations with women about men that reflect this point along the sexual side of things. Hey, whenever I write about sex it always gets attention.

1) “What the world needs are fewer wolves and more gentlemen.” – my response was pretty simple. “My dear, a gentleman is nothing more than a patient wolf.” Sorry, there is no such thing as a man who has an interest in a woman where raw sexuality isn’t present. You can keep it domesticated on civil but that raw energy is what powers all the other aspects of the relationship.  As an author once said – “everything is about sex, except sex which is about something else.”  A gentleman is just a really patient strategically-minded wolf looking for a certain type of woman to bed. He is simply a patient hunter.

2) “Men are all dogs.” – I had two responses to this.  a) So are women, women are just as horny and sexual as men.  They just like men to work at it to get them because they want to feel desired. Nothing wrong with that, but to take the high minded route that women aren’t just as interested as men about getting laid is just hypocritical. b) Men are all canine to be sure, but some of them are more domesticated than others.  Some of us seek to be more true to our ancestors and be the wolf. We are just honest about it.  If being a wolf means I am a truly masculine male, then that is my desire.  As a woman, you are either going to accept that and lose your fear of it or you are going to try to domesticate your man out of fear of his wild side and in my opinion, make him less of a man. You would probably be better off accepting his wild side and work more on embracing your own.

For me, being as wolf-like as possible and staying honest about it is something I strive to both focus and embrace.  This isn’t just about being honest about being masculine or sexual but also about the stronger emotions of anger and rage.  The desire to fight for what you care about and desire. So on my playlist are a few songs about this wolf side of things – the animal within and that animal for me is the wolf.

Playlist:

Bark at the Moon – Ozzy Osborne:

Wolf and Man – Metallica:

Animal I Have Become – Three Days Grace:

Night of the Werewolves – Powerwolf:

Úlfhéðnar – Dervhengrym:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

Disciplined Like Snotra – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Journal Entry:

Snotra is one of the handmaidens of Odin’s wife Frigg. She is herself the goddess of prudence or wisdom and self-control. One of the joys of learning of this goddess in Norse mythology is that it confirms that self-control or discipline is coupled with wisdom in Norse thought. This is very much in line with my own thinking on the subject and it has been a nice confirmation.

I don’t know to many people who were dumb luck successful.  Those that are often don’t know what to do with their success and squander it.  It is the disciplines and wise that take the slow measured success and once they have it are able to maintain it.   Snotra and her sphere are a constant reminder of that simple fact.

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To Be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April Fools Day, April 1st, 2020.

I need to be harder on myself these days.  That way life later won’t kick me so hard or at all.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

Tattoos are on my mind a lot as my connection to the idea of documenting my journey in life. Of reflecting who I have been, who I am and who I would like to be.  This concept dominates my mind every time I think of getting one and it has started burning in my mind more and more. If only my bank account was a little more fluid to allow this part of my journey to start.

Fidelity: 

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s Gods and Goddesses, to one’s Folk, to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends was as valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

Heritage and ancestry are important and I need to seek out my own.  If I can be loyal to anything it is the memory of those who have gone on before.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom: 

I find it difficult to be wise these days.  Last year at this time I was not very wise but I felt better than I had in a long time.  The foolishness of love was more desirable to me than wisdom and it has its charms and wonders.  I don’t regret that part of it.  I do regret that I wasn’t wise enough to see the trap that was being set for me while I was under its spell, however.  Never again.  Stay disciplined.  Stay wise.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Walking – 1 hour.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Reading – half an hour for enjoyment.

Yes.  I think I will make writing an everyday thing.  It needs to be right there with blogging as it keeps all the writing I need to do every day right together. I will make the change officially at the beginning of the week.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 3

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!