Month: October 2023

“Lone Wolf” – A Poem

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

“Like a Wolf

I am drawn to the pack

But I walk alone

Outside its embrace

I am and am not

Part of the pack

I watch over them

High on the hill

Safe in my sight they will be,

I stand alone to be stronger

Stronger than the pack

Stronger for the pack

Loneliness is the price I pay

So they can be free

So Lone Wolf

I stay and howl alone

in Luna’s face

Until THE She-wolf finds me.”

Writer’s Notes:

I wish Miss Salty had not taught me to touch my feelings with words at times. I have a love-and-hate relationship with my poetry. Every time, I write one, I think of her, and it makes me sad. I wonder if anyone will ever walk beside me again like that.

The lone wolf analogy fits me so well these days. I do watch over the people I love and care for. I am always ready to come to their aid at any moment. But I feel like I am outside too. Just to watch over and not to participate. I feel the loneliness of solitude, but also understand its strength. I am stronger than the pack. But they have nothing to fear from me.

I now understand more and more that this feeling of being the one wolf most of my life was a part of my autism. I have felt like the odd person out for a very long time. Very few get into my heart. Once they do I am very vulnerable to them as I have found out with so many pains. I just wish I could find love again. Some days I wonder if I ever will.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Focusing My Writing

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Freya’s Day!

So what is going well?

  1. I am getting up and getting to the gym before work every day and haven’t missed a workout since I made this change.
  2. My YouTube Channel recently got monetized at least with memberships, superchat. 1000 subscribers and I am making regular content. Enough watch hours in the near future and I could have ad revenue as well. Nice side hustle in the making.

Everything else is either questionable or non-existent: Summer equals hypersensitivity run amok and hypersensitivity run amok equals depression. So how do I fix it? By adding only a few things and sticking with them through Fall, Winter, and Spring; so when Summer comes habits will be in stone so they are automatic.

I am seriously considering going back to the third shift. There is a promotion opportunity for one, but even if I don’t get it I could use the shift differential. It’s the wake-up routine, end-of-day routine, and writing focus that needs work.

The blog is largely about my writing for therapeutic reasons so I want to look at that. This includes reading, writing regularly on this blog, my novel, and my deconversion story (autobiography – memoirs), I am now asking if this is too much. I don’t think so I just think trying to fire this up in May/June was a bad idea. I need to do a wake-up routine that if I am third shift would include writing/reading and the same with the day’s end routine. Focusing right now is the key while my mood is good. I guess I am learning to use my manic phases to help with the depressed ones.

I have a new serial in the works based on something I posted early this year. Hopefully it will come out soon.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Overreaching, Autism, and Essentialism

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Odin’s Day!

I now know Why I struggle with goals so much. In short, I set way too many and then I fail at all but a few. I overreach a lot. Take this blog for instance. There was a time when I would post pretty much every day. It was one of my goals, but I had many others at the time, and they suffered. So I switched goals and tried to keep the goal of posting regularly up, and then it fell off. I am a bad juggler when it comes to goals.

For a long time, I struggled with the cause of this overreaching. I now think autistic traits that I have in my thinking explain a lot of it. I see and plan much and execute little. Practical time management and habits are my two difficulties because routine is so needed for me and at the same time, so hard to change. I can also point to the motivation to do things being so influenced now by hypersensitivity. When my senses are overloaded, the Grey (depression for new readers) is high.

What overloads them. Bright Light – now I know why I like cloudy days. Warm Tempature – why I was twice as depressed in Texas as in Michigan. Strong smells – My nose is very rarely not plugged to prevent my feeling miserable. Lack of Touch – My touch sense is actually more of a positive for me and well without a woman in my life, that is down to nil and it shows in how I feel. In short, when all of these get too much – The Grey is sure to follow.

Depression tends to kick the shit out of my goals. Only established habits survive for me and I can only realistically get those established when I am not depressed and/ or not being overwhelmed by hypersensitivity.

Essentialism is a good help. It reminds me to take that long list of goals, trim it down, and then turn the day-to-day into habits. The best time for me to get these established is probably now.

This blog is still my favorite child. I hope to write more regularly soon, but I have some stuff to sort out better. Thanks to all of you over the years who have stuck with me. I think writing is the most therapeutic thing I do and you are a part of that. Hopefully, things will get better soon.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

‘Love and Smoke’ – A Poem

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy ’s Sol’s Day!

Love and Smoke!

I had a Dream Last Night

You Were There

You Smiled at Me and walked Away

I ran after you my heart pounding

Fires of passion burning

I reached out to touch your hand

But poof, smoke

Then Nothing but ash.

My fire turning to smoke

Writer’s Notes:

I haven’t written in a Long time. I have been concetrating on my YouTube Channel and learning to cope with my hypersensitivity, which has been and interesting journey of discovery.

This poem is actually based on a dream I had. I found myself in the woods and there she was in front of me – my old love – Miss Salty. In the dream I ran after her trying to catch her and then I finally got close enough to grab her hand. At that moment she turned and laughed and then faded into wisping smoke.

My feelings in the dream went from blazing to nothing. Fire to smoke, smoke to ash.

I wonder if I will ever find love again. I am a half a year away from becoming 55 and I wonder if love is even possible for me anymore. I miss it. The inspiration. The cuddles. The conversations. The sex. But where is it for me? Right now all I seem to have is memories and ash.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!