“The Purpose of Journal Posts” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

August 12, 2019August 12, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I return to my journal posts this week I am redefining their purpose ever so slightly. Mostly I want to write a little more broadly on this blog and there is only so much time in the week to do so. So I think the best course of action at this time is to journal every other week. This will also avoid a lot of repetitious writing but at the same time, I will also still be able to keep tabs on my progress on this journey we call life. The purpose of these journal entries is for my benefit although I have had people say my thoughts reflect their own or benefit them in some way.

Basically now one week I will engage the Overall Virtue and Principle and the alternate week I will be looking at the Bucket List and Goals. I will, of course, make a note of a goal or bucket list item when it gets crossed off. Weeks I am not journaling I will be writing on various topics or injecting a piece of fiction or poetry. The pattern is as follows.

Week 1 – Journal Posts (Virtue and Principle Focus)

Week 2 – Open Posts

Week 3 – Journal Posts (Bucket List and Goals Focus)

Week 4 – Open Posts

Repeat. Roughly then every month, things ill get covered and I feel that will be more than adequate.

I have changed my comment settings so that if you have a previously approved comment, you no longer have to wait for approval, so comment away if you have already done so. I don’t know I may have to approve your next comment to do so. This opens up the comment section quite a bit and that possibility gives me a little trepidation. Just a little note, all comments that WordPress filters as Spam will be disapproved. No, I am not interested in what you are selling or promoting. I am interested in real people who want to truly interact.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I must say after last week’s series of The Grey and The Wayfarer, I feel much better. It was good to get some things off my chest but also down for the record. My senes of honor is definitely a little higher as I seek to move on. Lately, I have also kind of make it a point to tell people I appreciate them when I think of it as well.

Today will be Day 316 of my blog streak for the year. That leaves 49 more days. I now a new pair of hiking boots so My training walks can resume.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I am making every effort to do the right thing at the right time. Currently, I am still looking for the job I want, but I decided to take an opportunity at my current job to improve my current situation while I continue to search. It’s been a year and just getting back to maintaining life has been good, but now it is time to improve.

I had some unexpected expenses so my tattoo fund got emptied so we are back to square one, but with the new opportunity should come the ability to get that fund back up and build it faster. It is the easiest thing on my bucket list to cross off – getting the tattoos. So I will continue to focus on it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others. To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Well, last week was definitely a week of being honest with myself. Progress in that area was good and I feel that I am in a position to move forward.

This last 10 days or so have been a mess so getting back to discipline and routine is the first priority and with that comes the book writing and learning Latin.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Loving myself is a real challenge. My last two addresses on Frigg and Freya’s Day were to the old me and the new. A lot of that was me transitioning from being a person who loves others to the expensive of himself into a person that loves themselves to the point they can love others effectively. It has been a hard lesson this past year of the consequences can be for me and others if I do not do this. It has become imperative that I maintain love toward myself to keep walking.

Morning Routine:

Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
Meditation – 3 min.
Check Communications and Email.
Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
Stretching / Yoga
Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
Shower and Personal Hygiene
Get Dressed for the Day

Yeah, I need to get on this again. The past ten days have been shit.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Revival – Asatru (Part 5)” – The Pagan Pulpit

August 11, 2019August 11, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: ‘Herr Mannelig’ – Garmarna

English Translation: https://lyricstranslate.com/en/herr-mannelig-sir-mannelig.html

Meditation:

The situation is always changing and it is not always in your favor. Regardless there is always the best way to play your hand and it is your obligation to find it.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

It is hard to say when the revival of the interest in Pagan Norse Religion really began. In some cases, we might say that it was preserved through family traditions and merging pagan traditions with Chrisitan ones. There was also a limited amount of writing done by historians and literature experts on Norse Mythology and religious practice.

Some argue that it was the early 20th century with the interest in Germanic ancient culture by the Germans that saw the start of it. It is also a criticism that it might be colored by the Nazis but it is probably more likely to be the case of the Nazi’s using cultural trends to their advantage as far as PR. Symbols and history are often coopted by those that rule to form a romanticism they tap into. The romanticism though already existed because a lot of it can be traced back to the 19th century long before the nazi’s perverted the mythology and the Swastika. I and many other people who study Asatru and history would say the chief deity of the Nazi party was Adolf Hitler himself, not Odin, Thor or Tyr.

In any case, in the last 70 years or so a revival of interest in ancient Northern European mythology has arisen. Becoming more popular, as Diane Paxton observes, starting with the writings in England with Tolkein and CS Lewis. Robert E. Howard with Conan chimed in during the 1950s. Is it any wonder that I have an interest in this mythology when what sparked my interest was these great writers and my own heritage.

In 1969, the same year I was born, the Odinist Fellowship was founded, followed by Viking Brotherhood in 1971 and Asatru Free Assembly in 1976. All in America. In Iceland, Asatru became an accepted religion by their parliament in 1973 thus opening up the most direct route to a religious revival of ancient ways through Asatru.

What has followed has been a process of Norse paganism in Asatru arising and organizing into various groups. The 1990s saw a great deal of expansion and development. Publications and books are becoming more and more frequent. I would say interest has been revived and increase due to the television series Vikings among many others.

For me, my personal story of ‘conversion’ to Asatru is a long one. Like I said, I loved fantasy books from an early age. devouring CS Lewis, Tolkien, and Howard. Conan became a favorite hero of mine along with Gandalf. I was a Dungeons and Dragons player and Dungeon Master for many years and that has this culture and religion as a large part of it. The more I learned the more it fascinated me. I suppose the crisis moment and conversion point would be me leaving Christianity for good last year and realizing my need for a new code of conduct. I looked at many warrior codes, but Asatru appealed more than all of them because of this connection to my culture, history, and interests. My pagan tendencies tend to line up very much with Asatru.

This ends part one of my Asatru analysis. Next will be a discussion of many of the Norse gods and goddesses and their significance to the followers of Asatru.

Parting Thought:

Paganism does have some bit of a ‘dark’ side. In that, most of us will do terrible things if the ones we love are threatened. There is no turn the other cheek or forgiveness without restitution. And if the person opposing us doesn’t offer us restitution or threatens to take what is ours, then we can get such restitution by other means. You might say justice has a different meaning to us. Your best course of action in dealing with us is being honest and respectful and mind your own business.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Finding a New Muse – Blog Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

August 10, 2019August 10, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know, right. It’s a Rabyd Skald Post that isn’t The Grey and The Wayfarer and thus isn’t my soul bleeding all over the place. I had to write the most recent series, emotional baggage and all of it; but it has been an emotional roller coaster, and quite frankly I need to move on and this is me taking the first steps in that. Whenever I have turned a new corner, I have turned to writing to help me guide me on the path, and this time will be no exception. This post is a discussion of an issue and some notes on the future of this blog and what you can expect to see.

The issue is the loss of my muse and the search for a new one. I have had several muses over the years. All of them female. The first one was my first love. The second was a love for writing that I developed with my first blogs. I kind of imagined her as a loving teacher standing over my shoulder. More recently I imagined her as one of my friends who argued with my internal editor a lot. My last one was Miss Salty and as you know she is now more of a ghost that haunts me rather than a muse these days. My wife has never acted as a muse for me because that is not the nature of our relationship. She inspires a lot of virtues in me, but not creativity. So I search for a new one.

This may actually be my first attempt at looking at spirituality from a pagan point of view to find a new muse. To find some inspiration in a spiritual idea to form into a lovely woman who will inspire me. Why female? Because when all else has failed, when I think of the women who have inspired me over the years as a man, they all have that one quality that inspires my creativity – femininity itself. The problem is all of them have had the weakness of being more of stay at home women who were never warriors and I think that is part of the issue. My muse needs to be a combination of a strong female warrior and a passionate creative lover. Freya personified but not Freya. A shieldmaiden but also a skald in her own right. Femininity personified but Viking femininity.

I think the first steps to this will be to make this blog take the Viking and Norse mythology theme it has more complete. One of the things I can do right away is the greeting is for each post. You know, ‘Happy Saturn’s Day’ – except Saturn is a Roman god and actually presents the only real problem in this change. Sun’s Day becomes Sol’s Day and Moon’s Day becomes Mani’s Day. But who to pick for Saturn’s replacement? Well, let’s see. 1) all of these are Norse gods or goddesses. There are four Norse gods represented: Mani, Tyr, Odin, and Thor, each with their own day. There are three goddesses represented: Sol, Frigg, and Freya with Frigg and Freya sharing a day. So I think it should be a goddess with her own day to balance things out. But who to chose? I guess I would accept suggestions, so let me know in the comments. But in any case, I will make a decision by next week.

Speaking of comments, I am going to do something brave. I have decided to open up the comments to where if you are approved once then you don’t have to be approved again. I am going to still monitor this closely because of past problems, but I think most of the people ho write comments can be trusted. Starting Sol’s Day you will be able to do this. Don’t abuse the privilege, be kind to one another.

The other thing is the post-rotation and the one thing this last mini-series has taught me is that I could do the journal Posts every other week. Thus I could open up every other week to write on other things. To do other series either fiction or non-fiction which does represent my style a little bit from All Things Rabyd. In addition, Weekends have always been a bugaboo of what to do but a rotation where I post stuff on Saturday and the extra slot on Sol’s Day would be nice places for creative writing.

Ultimately, what I want is more flexibility in my weekly agenda, but at the same time some solid rotation that keeps me writing on different subjects and in different forms. I will drop another The Rabyd Skald once I have made some final decisions.

I am looking at this as moving on. I need to move this blog from dealing with the past so much and talk more about my journey through life. My Pilgrimage. I hope some changes will help me do that.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 4) – Closure in Walking On” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 19

August 9, 2019August 9, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.

This is part four of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

Click Here for Part 2

Click Here for Part 3

All of what has come before in this series has been about getting to this post. I want final closure on a lot of this and so writing is for me a way of working through all that. How successful I have been with this will be revealed in time. I don’t want to write on this stuff again. There are scars and aspects of some of this I will probably carry for the rest of my life, but I want to speak of them as little as possible and only when I have to do so.

This last post will take the form of me having one-sided conversations with some of the various people I have mentioned already. This is an idea given to me from a book that was suggested to my wife and I called – Words Can Change Your Brain by Newberg and Waldman. It has a way of bringing closure but also I have another objective. Some of these people I no longer have contact with and I just want to say my piece to them as if they were there and then walk away. My life awaits and it is time to start living it more fully. I can’t do that with these emotional weights on my back. If I carry anything as The Grey Wayfarer, it needs to be only what I need to carry. This shit isn’t something I need anymore. I am hoping this is a way to put it all down and walk on.

So who am going to talk to?: The Dirty Pig, My Former Congregation, Miss Salty’s Family, Miss Salty, and two conversations with myself – The Old Me and the New Me. Basically a list of people I need to walk on from and one person that needs to move on. This is going to be painful. But also completely necessary for ‘Final’ Closure.

To the Dirty Pig:

I have rehearsed what I would say to you if we ever ran into each other again many times, it boils down to the following list.

I trusted you to handle things as my friend, you said you would, but you never really were my friend, just a poser who pretended to be so for his own advantage.
If you even hold your hand out to me know I already have a response that goes something like this: “Take that hand and shine it up pretty, turn it sideways and shove it up to your ass.” Sorry, that it is as warm and friendly as it is going to get.
I should have known because the trail of bodies that represents former ‘friends’ of yours that lays behind you in a long line and now I am just one of them. Does it ever bother you, that people are so disposable to you?
What hurts the most, if the roles had been reversed, is I would have given you the benefit of the doubt and time to think things over some more because I cared for you as a friend. It hurt even more because you tricked me into not confessing to my congregation so you could play that to your advantage – you were a coward and stabbed me in the back. You did me personal harm and damage even though I never did any to you. Had to ‘teach me a lesson”. What a self-righteous and sanctimonious fuck you are.
I really hope that you get over your narcism and pathological tendency to bend the world around you to the lies you tell yourself. You need help.
If you really care for the church, resign as a moderator and don’t be involved for a few years. Better yet, never again.
I wish you a long but miserable life. I hope what goes around comes around is true for you. I have no desire for revenge because it is stupid, but know this – if an opportunity for justice presents itself to me, I will not hesitate to take it. You have no friend in me anymore, I am your enemy. Your best course of action is to mind your own business, and if you see me, walk the other direction. I will certainly do the same.

To My Former Congregation:

This has three parts:

To those of you who voted to fire me. I have forgiven all of you but you as my former flock disappoint me as much as I may have disappointed you. I may have hurt you, but you hurt me back which I don’t think you could classify as ‘Chrisitan’. If you see me and are not prepared in some way or form to say you are sorry, then just keep walking. I stand by my statement that I feel I was judged, not for the nine and a half years I loved you and cared for you, but for the one bad decision I made at the end.
To those who didn’t vote to me fire – thanks for listening and remembering. I have talked with many of you but I don’t know if I have talked with all of you. I am glad you listened to me and remembered my teachings over the years.
To those that have asked for forgiveness directly – thanks. Most of you have left the church with much the same observations of the Dirty Pig as me. So I am glad I am not alone. You are always welcome at my door, just call first. Some of you are friends and will remain so.

To Miss Salty’s Family:

I offer my apologies to you. I know my reaction if it had been my niece, daughter, etc., would have been much the same as yours. That said, I feel your largest problem was that you couldn’t accept that Miss Salty had grown up. The one thing for sure is I would have never hurt her or asked her to do anything she didn’t want to do. You probably won’t believe this but the whole thing was indeed mutual from the very beginning. Sorry for the feelings caused, but I don’t expect your forgiveness. You don’t have to. You can take comfort in the fact that the way she broke up with me was such I will have trust issues with her for a long time, and there isn’t really much of a possibility of a relationship in the future in any case with me being back with my wife. I wish you all health and happiness.

To Miss Salty:

Of all the messages I had to write in this post the one to you Miss Salty is the hardest. I have imagined how this conversation would go many times and it comes out different each time. I am hoping by writing it this time, it will be more concrete.

I ain’t going to lie, I miss you. But I struggle with who exactly I miss. Was it really you or the character you were playing? Was it MaKala, Miss Salty, Elpis or someone else? I do know that whoever she was, she came into my life at a very cold, dark time and offered a lot of warmth and light. For that, I thank her, whoever she was. She was truly the salt in my life that gave it flavor at the time. She will always be Miss Salty to me. There will always be a small piece of my heart that loves her. It is just the way I am. I don’t know if not being able to get rid of love completely for a woman I have loved is a blessing or curse sometimes. Please don’t take advantage of it.

I also know that I try very hard to remember the good and to forget the bad but without too much success. I don’t know what to do about that, I am hoping someday to get some personal counseling on it. I still write poems but they are difficult because you are remembered every damn time. August 2nd, I found myself crying over the remembered emotions from last year and so it is the pain that is hardest to get over. There a hole missing in my life that no person or thing seems to be able to fill now. Maybe with time, it will. I hope so. There is also a scared over slash in my heart that is still healing but it bleeds still on the inside.

I want you to live life. I want you to find someone that loves you for you. Be who you really are and find the person who loves you for who you are – all the good, bad, ugly and the beautiful parts of you. You are worth that. Never forget you are worth that.

I applaud you for at least having the courage to do what you did and you did it to my face. Unlike one I have already talked to above, you were far braver. I am sorry he used you to get to me, but that is his nature. I said it before and I say it again – The Dirty Pig is not your friend. Remember that. Remember you are disposable to him if no longer sees a use for you, I found that out the hard way. Please don’t be another one of his discarded people. Don’t let yourself be another one of his ‘friendship’ casualties.

I just wish how you did it was different, so I didn’t have so many questions. That said, trying to contact me with answers would be a bad idea unless you can find a way that doesn’t involve social media (you’re blocked for obvious reasons) or direct contact (I am not sure how I would take that). I will just have to learn to live with my ignorance. It wouldn’t be the first time I had to do so.

I hold nothing against you, but one thing. I think you need to tell people and yourself the truth about your role in all this being mutual and not me manipulating you. You know that is not true. I think you need to show some courage and face the consequences of that truth. I don’t know if I would ever hear about it, but I think for your own sake, you need to do it. Being truthful with yourself is a hard thing – I know. But it is better that way.

I have said goodbye before to you and yet, despite it all, you are there. All pictures are deleted or destroyed, the books were thrown away along with the first aid kit. The rock you gave me also gone. I deleted The Hedge completely. I have tried to be very thorough in getting rid of any reminder of you out of my life, and yet, there you are. Sometimes in troubling dreams or in thoughts when I see or read something we used to talk about. Songs we talked about come to my ear, and there you are. I have tried to say a permanent goodbye so many times in my heart but can never seem to make it have the effect of healing I want. This is going to be a slow goodbye for me, I can tell. No getting around it.

It has been a year since I heard those words from your lips – “I can’t do this” and they still echo in my heart like ripples back and forth on a pond. I am trying to love my wife more and more each day, but your ghost or the ghost of what I thought was you haunt me. Worse still is the possibility that someday we might very well run into each other, and then I am not sure what my reaction will be. I guess if that happens, it will speak for itself.

Goodbyes are difficult for me and I am coming to the painful conclusion that they might be impossible regarding you. I don’t know yet, I have to walk this out and see. You hurt me and yet, I find it impossible to hate you. You left me lonely and alone and yet…I don’t feel any malice. Maybe somebody can help me someday with this. I hope so because it makes things more difficult than they need to be. The Grey gets triggered because of it and it would be nice if that stopped happening.

I would say goodbye, but your ghost still follows me. So its ‘goodbye’ in quotes for now and maybe someday, with enough time, you will haunt me less. I hope so.

To My Old Self – Pastor Ed:

You need to go, buddy. You sacrifice too much of yourself and then you end up hurting yourself and people you love. You have long been a liability to yourself. You need to go. You’re a good guy, but you are also self-destructive. You need to go. I know some people will miss you and I will too, but you cost me too much over the years to maintain anymore. You need to go. You are just not a really good friend to me anymore. You need to go. You make yourself vulnerable and people take advantage of us. You need to go. Goodbye, Pastor Ed.

To My New Self – The Grey Wayfarer:

It’s time to get up and walk again. You have had your conversations here on the side of the road and now, you need to get up, grab your spear, pull your cloak around you, whistle for the wolves and ravens and walk on. It’s time to move on and be yourself.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way. If some choose to catch up with you and talk to you that is one thing, or people cross your path again that is OK. Old friends and those you know are always welcome to walk with you for a time. But you know it is dangerous to look back and think of all the would haves and should-haves. It’s the path behind and there is no changing where your footsteps already are.

Time to walk into the future. Time to face the unknown with courage, honor, and truth. Time to live your life, be self-reliant, work hard and give generously as you can. Time to maintain disciplined steps, keep getting up when you fail and stay loyal to those who have shown themselves loyal to you. Keep walking. The ghosts of the past are going to haunt you from time to time, but find a way to be at peace with them and keep walking. The Grey Storm is going to come from time to time. Learn to walk through it and be better for it.

Time to truly become,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Objections to Christianity – Part 1 – The Bible’s Inspiration by God” (Revised August 2019) – Odin’s Eye – Theological Objections to Christianity.

August 8, 2019August 8, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

August 2019 Revision Notes:

It has been almost a year since I wrote these originally starting in November of 2018. When I got to the rotation in Odin’s Eye the last time where I was going to deal with these objections again, I saw no need for revision but rather simply laid it out there that no one had responded to them to that date and moved on into the rest of the Rotation for Odin’s Eye.

This time though I feel that I need to spend four weeks of Odin’s Eye doing some revisions that will either clarify my position, add some other thoughts or edit for other issues. Such edits will be marked by italics. When archived, they will appear under the original post on this Page: My Four Theological Objections to Christianity

Mostly though this is a cut and paste with some revisions. As the series goes on there will be more revisions as I can see the need for things to change a bit in the other three objections. In this one, however, the objective remains pretty much the same.

Introduction:

I want to state upfront, this is a long post. I want to be complete as possible in stating this objection and the ones that follow. Mostly as I will state later that I for a long time wanted answers; I still do. It was hard leaving my faith because I wanted so desperately to believe. Reason itself eventually prevailed and I will stand by that decision. The reason I am putting a lot of words into this is that I still would accept answers: if they could be proven rationally that Christianity is the true religion.

I have written on my crisis of faith a couple of times. Despite some people’s assertion that this was due to personal events, it actually started in 2015 with my second objection which is that I think ‘sin’ is a man-made up concept. It started when I preached a message about sin and I had heard a quote that week from a critic of Christianity that basically said sin was made up and that because of it Christianity solves a problem of its own making.

I will get into this moment in more detail in my second objection post, but it got me rethinking everything in the light of skepticism and I began to form four theological objections for which I still have no satisfactory answers. While the sin question got my original thinking going, it is this first question involving the Bible and divine inspiration that forms the foundation of the other three.

Now, I want to state for the record that I am no amateur when it comes to the Bible or Theology. 1) I have degrees in both Biblical Studies (BA) and Theological Studies (MA). 2) I am a ‘professional’ theologian and have been since 1996. 3) I was a Christian from the time I was eight and as I approach my 50th birthday that would have been close it forty-two years. 4) I was a pastor (now retired) for twenty years and have spent many years since school studying the Bible and engaging theological questions. 5) I have had several crisis moments in my theology and up until two to three years ago I could answer them all or found ways to explain them. Not anymore.

I will also say I am not hostile to Christians, I get it. It took me a long time to face the facts of the objections I will present in this series. I still am open to anything that answers them. My largest problem when I discuss this is people sometimes get offended because I seem to be very aggressive, but I am not really doing that, just being as honest as I can. People don’t always like it when you ask questions that are hard about what they believe. Cognitive dissonance is a real thing, so I get. Understand I am not being hostile to your faith if you have it. I am just being hostile to mine or what mine used to be. That’s because I take as a central core idea that if the God of the Bible is the real god and the Bible is inspired by him, then it should make sense and have rational proof this is so.

Faith:

Bottom Line, faith is trusting in something that you have no evidence for and that is the problem. You hope it is true and you believe it is true, but you don’t know it is true. This is particularly true for many church doctrines and one of the most notable is the divine inspiration of scripture. The reason I can say this is no matter what school of thought you follow in looking at inspiration, there is no evidence that God came down and inspired the Bible. You simply have to believe the simple statement “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God.” There is no attempt to prove this, just a statement of fact that the reader must simply accept.

An example is probably in order:

“The Rabyd Skald’s writings are inspired by the god Odin. Everything he writes comes straight from the mouth of the god Odin.”

You say ridiculous. I ask why? You say because I simply have made an assertion and have offered no proof that what I say is true. I want to tell you the Bible does the exact same thing with the exact same level of proof that God came down and directly inspired the writers of the Bible – none. It’s pure faith, no evidence even from the Bible itself. The Bible writers simply assert this; they never prove it.

Religion:

Looking at the doctrine of inspiration historically, once again we have no proof of the inspiration of Scripture by God, just the creation of the doctrine of inspiration and various councils of men deciding which books are inspired. There is no record of God coming down and saying – “these books are my inspired word.” Just groups of men doing that. That is what you actually see.

It stands to reason that religions do this. In the end, you need a common core of beliefs and authority and it is far easier to make a group of writings do that because it has a greater chance of standing the test of time. Especially if you inject a tradition of copying and transcribing these books from one generation to the next. Even in this though, two problems develop. 1) People abuse the authority of said books and can twist their meaning and 2) the transcription of said books can be flawed.

The second brings up an additional inspiration question which is: ‘Is the Bible still inspired even though people have put mistakes into it and changed it from one language to the next where meaning is going to get changed?’ The human factors are definitely present in the Bible. Does that undermine inspiration or simply point to the fact that the Bible is a wholly human book? Because we don’t really have proof God is involved, are we just making up the whole divine inspiration thing in order to make this human book have more significance?

Theology:

I spent a great deal of time and digital ink pouring over this question of inspiration. On my blog All Things Rabyd (which is still there although no longer active) I spent nine posts looking at the various theories of divine inspiration. You can find the link to all of them here. I eventually settled on Dynamic Inspiration as the best possible explanation to handle the human element of the bible. That much like the doctrines of Christ state Jesus was 100% God and 100% Man, so was the bible the same way. It satisfied me for a while but there was a fatal flaw in the whole thing.

The flaw? I still had no proof positive that the 100% divine inspiration part was real. There is no photograph of God reaching into the head of Paul or Moses inspiring them to write things. I mean you could say God is the inspiration for the Bible like a person might be inspired to write about nature from being outside. There is however no proof that God took an active hand in telling the authors what to write or how to write it. That is purely a matter of whether you believe that or not. It really is blind faith when you consider that particular question.

Spirituality:

I will probably handle other objections involving scripture at a later date. My purpose today is to get the main parts of my first objection to Christianity out there. The question always comes – do I still read the Bible and what value do I place on it? Well, yes I do. I value it in that it contains a lot of ‘truth’ small ‘t’. I just don’t think it’s the Truth with a capital ‘T‘. Rather a lot of men wrote about their sincere belief in God. God inspired them in that way and they wrote but in the end, it was human inspiration ABOUT the divine. It was not God coming down and whispering in their ear what to write, no matter what their claims.

It also, because it is a human book and not divine to me, contains a lot of Bull Shit and spiritual opinion by ancient authors which may or may not be valid. You still have to use a lot of judgment in looking at the Bible because if some of it is objectively true then the god of the Bible becomes at times both inconsistent and a sadistic tyrant.

For me, I still draw a lot of inspiration from the Bible. Some of its stories are great. It has men wrestling with the question about God. Some of the teachings of Christ are some of the best on human relationships you will ever see. That said, it is only one avenue of being inspired, not the only one and it is a very human book. In short, it has its flaws, and I think some of the morality it promotes could be questioned as to whether it actually does good or not.

Conclusion:

When the doctrine of inspiration goes, then you can look at the Bible objectively. This caused me to really realize the god of the Bible has a few problems. 1) Sin seems to be made up as a concept and used to control the behavior of people 2) The plan of salvation God comes up with does not speak well of supreme being because it makes God both sadistic and masochistic. 3) God’s justice seems a little suspect especially when you consider final judgment.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 3) – My Marriage – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 18

August 7, 2019August 8, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day.

This is part three of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

Click Here for Part 2

An additional disclaimer might be necessary here – I am talking very openly about my feelings and struggles I have had and am having with my marriage. Two things: 1) My wife and I are in the process of rebuilding things and, given recent experience, are painfully aware of the weaknesses in our marriage. That said we are working on it but both of us are no longer naive enough to believe that things will always be cool without working on them. 2) I am not going to speak for my wife’s feelings on things currently. That would be rude and presumptuous on my part to do that, but I am going to be very open about mine. This is about sorting things out in my head, not looking for excuses or reason to call it quits. It is more an honest assessment of the situation, so I can move forward.

A little background. We have been married for 30 years now. It almost wasn’t 30 years. My wife and I have known each other since we were children, we dated on and off through middle school and high school. In early 1989, we got back together and in February of that same year, I proposed to her. We got married that June on the 10th. From that time on our life has been basically revolving around two things: 1) Our lives as a pastor and his wife and 2) Our children. We always talked early on about how we wanted a few kids early so later in life we could spend more time enjoying each other but life began and slowly these two things dominated our lives.

Through the years we were pastor and wife through four churches and we raised our kids. The last one graduated in 2011 and that is when the seeds of our troubles really began. Mostly, I guess my expectations that we would do more together felt a little short-changed. It was one of those moments when you are done focusing on the kids and you look at this person you have been with and go – who are you again? I would say to any couple that hits an empty nest stage, even if you think you are in good shape – go get a marriage check-up with a counselor. There are probably things that have been unsaid while you have been raising the kids that need to be said now as it turns back into the two of you.

For me, things started south at about the same time I started school in 2015. I know I wasn’t supported in that decision by my wife. It bothered me because I was facing the reality of the fact that the church was never going to support me so that retirement was an option. I was basically going to have to stay preaching until they put me in a box and to be honest, that image did not appeal to me. The thing is my wife and I had drifted by that point because even though the kids had grown up she kept injecting herself into their lives. At the time I felt that if I was a priority on my wife’s list it was down near the bottom and I didn’t feel at all supported as I tried to do something to make a better life for us now that the kids were gone.

Over the next three years, a gap began to develop between us. It became pretty much church, the kid’s life, and other small talk items. As someone who hates small talk, this began to drive me nuts. As early as 2016 I began to think about divorce because from my perspective it seemed our marriage worked great for her but it sucked for me. Throw in at that point a lost faith and frustration with the Dirty Pig and his control of the church and my mind is pretty much in a very dark place about the whole thing.

As I have said before in this series, my plan was to finish school, get a new job, resign from the church and file for divorce. I wasn’t going to provide a better life for someone who hadn’t been supportive and didn’t seem to care that from a financial point of view we were in the middle third quarter of our life and down by 35. Time to get off the bench and put up some financial offense. My view was if she wasn’t going help with that, I needed to either play on my own or find a new teammate.

My affair with Miss Salty accelerated my departure from the church and it also caused the troubles in our marriage to be brought to the forefront. My wife and I spent the next three months separated including our 29th anniversary. We had a couple conversations and the same problem presented itself from my end. I never fall out of love with a woman completely. That was true for my wife as well. I just didn’t feel at the time I had the right kind fo love. I felt also that my wife and I’s passive aggression had also hammered most of my love right out of me for her. I just could bring myself to love her the way a husband should love his wife. Plus all the practical concerns listed above.

I filed for divorce in middle June and given the 60-day waiting period before a hearing, we were slated lat August and that would have been that. It was an interesting test at times because when the severance was denied my letter written in response said that the main person they had hurt with that decision was not me but my wife who had to shoulder all the bills seeing I was not working. I had also wanted to give her some of the money to help her transition, but that was no longer an option. It demonstrates that I wasn’t out to hurt my wife in any way on this. I just wanted out of a relationship that at the time wasn’t very good for either of us.

Then Miss Salty left me for the last time and I found myself alone, again. People remarked later how quickly I made the decision to return to my wife. It was a 10 day or so wait. I remark back it only took Miss Salty about 3-5 days to get over dumping her fiance and moving on, so what is their point? My main concern was I knew that Miss Salty was no longer an option for me. My two choices: 1) go to something new or 2) try to fix things with my wife.

My decision to try to fix things with my wife was predicated on a few factors. 1) I would never be able to trust Miss Salty again with my heart, so that was done. 2) My children had remarked that I hadn’t really tried to fix things with their mother. True. (I want to give a shout out to my daughter if she reads this – a lot of your comments my dear were spot on – take a bow girl, you probably saved your parents’ marriage.) 3) There was that little bit of love for her left. That said, it was my wife’s reaction that ultimately made it work. For my kids’ sake, I contacted my wife and asked if we could try to work this out.

My wife listened to me and then she talked. She did something I didn’t expect. She forgave me. She also took responsibility for her part in all the crap that went on before. She didn’t tell me it was all my fault and she listened to my story and believed it. Long story short, we got back together, I canceled the divorce with like two days to spare and we took a mini-vacation where we spent a lot of time naked in bed talking and doing what married couples do when they’re naked in bed. We got counseling and moved into our own apartment on our own. It isn’t perfect, but we are working on it.

There is one element of church nonsense that happened during the whole thing I feel the need to address. When word got out one member of the church, Miss Salty’s aunt; she tried to contact my wife about what an evil person I was. How I had committed a felony, had a teenage girl problem, etc. My wife’s friend basically told my wife to tell her to shove off as a busybody and move along with the reconciliation. My wife was kinder than that but the basic advice was followed to tell people to mind their own business.

Later in counseling, our counselor made the simple observation that the affair was a typical one that had nothing to do with Miss Salty’s age, but our marriage being shitty. When a marriage doesn’t help the people in it, these things happen because you are vulnerable. For my part, I simply fell in love with someone who started to meet the needs I had that my wife was not meeting. That’s it. Anything else people want to think is Bull Shit.

If there is any possibility this still might not work, it lays with me and a few issues that are between us because of who we are:

I place a high value on my freedom to act as I see fit. I don’t like a constraint. I accept the few constraints that our marriage puts on us because it is a marriage, but outside that I want the freedom to do what I want and what is best for me. That could pull us in different directions.
Part of my problem related to this is that I tend to help others at the expense of myself. This leads to a building up of a deficit emotionally that eventually will blow up like a bomb. If someone doesn’t make a point to stop and ask me genuinely how I am, or as an INFJ I will go on my merry way on destruction. My wife has learned not to take my “I’m OKs” at face value which is good, but I still have to watch myself on this and on occasion do what is emotionally right for me even if it seems selfish to others.
My values are rapidly changing. My social mores are also changing. This means in our religiously mixed marriage, I a Deist/Pagan don’t see things as evil or sinful anymore. As a Christian she does and so compromise is definitely the order of the day. I measure things in terms of building virtue and benefit to each other, not avoiding what is wrong or bad. If our values get too far apart, our counselor said it could still be our marriage downfall.
Our compromises have to be genuine give and take. I call bullshit pretty quick if I don’t feel they are. Some things are still in tension because of this and it is going to take time to work them out. With our values, she and I have to really watch this because it is pretty significant if a couple values different things from one another. You can still love one another and the marriage can still fail because of this.
My Weaknesses are now pretty apparent. I miss certain things about another relationship that speaks to these weaknesses. I either have to go without or find alternatives. In some of these areas, there is no alternative so it becomes a major internal battle. I concede now that I could very well lose those battles. I’m am indeed vulnerable to these things.

I am not trying to create doubt here, but state the reality of where I am. I view marriage as a pagan would. In particular, the brand of paganism that renews vows every year. This forces you to be constantly working at it to make it mutually beneficial, rather than just taking it for granted as a lifetime commitment does. It is far more realistic in my opinion and the vows don’t set you up for failure.

That said, our vows are Chrisitan ones, so the basis for me is gone except for my commitment to the Asatru Virtue of Fidelity. I still honor the spirit of those vows for that alone and nothing else. That said, one aspect of Fidelity is loyalty to self. It is possible given our different faiths/values that loyalty to my marriage and loyalty to self might come into conflict. How I view the virtue of Fidelity is starting to solidify with self at the center and all my other relationships in a circle around it. If that circle is broken or weak in some spots, it needs to be addressed or changed but the center needs to always be strong.

One part to go and that will be me directly addressing some of the people I mentioned in this series so far. For now, know that my wife and I are good and we are working to be great.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Asatru and Perseverance” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Perseverance

August 6, 2019August 7, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

Discussion:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

It seems simple enough, doesn’t it? Keep getting up no matter how hard life knocks you down, you put your feet back under you and stand up. I can tell you from long experience, this is more a matter of will than anything. The world can be a hostile and difficult place to try to achieve something. If you fail to get up, you will join the long list of people who did not do so and now dwell in mediocrity and obscurity.

Of all the virtues, I find this one the most natural to myself. Not to say that it isn’t tested on a regular basis, but I faced my first real test of perseverance in high school on the football field. But four years of hard grinding practices designed to make you quit, then break you down and then build you back up. Never missing one practice just for the chance to play a game. For my chance at Friday Night Lights and the glory therein. I never got much playing time, but the lessons of getting back up and to keep working never left me.

Website: Ravenbok – The particular page is: The Values of Asatru

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

The failure to persevere means one thing. You are done. To not be done you have to get up and try again. If I can’t get you to understand this basic concept perseverance teaches, then nothing else is possible. Never quit is the start fo all success.

Wants (Freki):

It is the success that leads us to why we want perseverance. If we don’t quit, if we keep getting back up, then success will happen eventually. Maybe not in the way we want or to the degree we want, but no opportunity for success involves laying on the ground and waiting for it to come to you. If you want something you have to go get it and if you get blocked, inhibited or nocked down, you have to keep trying. To get what you want is going to involve getting back up.

Reason (Huginn):

In my studies, I have never noted a person who didn’t fail from time to time. Most of the successful people I know failed sometimes many times. Reason suggests that failure is not the enemy of success but the builder of the virtue of Perseverance if you embrace it.

Wisdom (Muninn):

If experience teaches wisdom, then perseverance seems to be its main avenue. It is the primary experience of getting up after every failure that leads to the most wisdom and success.

Conclusion:

I have little problems with perseverance. I think this last year would stand as exhibit A from my life for that. My strength has come from never giving up no matter how dark Life or The Grey gets. I keep walking and getting up and walking.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 2) – Church Nonsense” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 17

August 5, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Moon’s Day

This is part two of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

In Part 2 of “Year Ago Retrospect,” I am going o deal with my other break up – with my faith and my last church. The major trouble with the church started the moment I let certain people know I was having an affair with Miss Salty, Most notably The Dirty Pig. But I need to do a little background on my relationship with him first so you know why his betrayal was so painful. It is this relationship that is central to the Church Nonsense so bear with me.

When I first came to my last church, the two of us hit it off. He made the observation that I was going to be myself and that people would just have to deal with that and from then on I considered him a friend. A lot of people think they know this guy so when I talk about this stuff, they think I am lying about his character and actions. You need to understand that I knew him a lot longer than any of them. We were friends, we did the same small group together for over nine years, I did him a lot of favors over the years and while I never asked him for anything he would on occasion give me something or help me out. I know the Dirty Pig from long experience and only after he betrayed me and I looked back did I see the painful truth that I suspected, but could never prove and didn’t want to believe was true.

Our friendship was good; not best friends but solid and he was a part of my circle. Note that for me, an INFJ personality type to say that is significant. But also I knew the emotions of the man as an empath and sometimes what he felt was troubling. It was contradictory to what I felt he should be feeling at times. Amusement when something was pretty tragic. Over time I would say it was like a cat looking at mice as far as his emotions. Given that he had been a cop all most of his career, somewhat understandable although a little uncomfortable. There was always this element of ‘my viewpoint on life is superior and people better respect that’ with him. He also was highly competitive and I never saw him happy when he came in second in anything.

We got along fine for a long while but our friendship got strained more and more as time went by. I am very accepting of people’s flaws and other viewpoints and he is not. The first real issue I noticed there was a problem here was when I was trying to get a modern worship team started. It was going OK, but he would make comments like ‘that hippie music’ and such. He said he didn’t mean much by it, but it had a negative effect. I went away for vacation and when I came back he basically tells me that the worship team is no more. Funny, as the pastor I was constitutionally in charge of ministry – the spiritual head of the church.

I had dealt with powerful influencers in the church before. If thy are for the most part benevolent then the best course of action is to make them allies if possible. The problem with the Dirty Pig is I would classify him as a traditional obstructionist. That is the preferred a very traditional view of what a church service and function were. If he didn’t like something along these lines, he would pretty much not support it or even actively block it.

His basic tactic was to control the agenda of the church by using his position as the moderator to channel what was talked about and what was not. I am now firmly convinced in that church, in particular, the moderator is the most powerful position because of this and should have term limits because of it. He also added the fact he maintained a good relationship with enough people to vote both on the council and in the congregation to get what decision he wanted. If the church grew or added people who did not share his view, something would be said by him that would cause them to either backdown or stop attending. The church could never really grow too big because that gets harder to control and the people in it were his supporters with only a few people that were detractors.

One thing that really bothered me about his attitude, but I could never do much about, is his belief that by being cop he could also be a good pastor. I would probably tell him now there is no direct correlation and he has no fucking clue what he is doing when it comes to building a church and ministry. But it is all irrelevant to me now.

In the summer of 2016, I took a sabbatical of one month. I had two issues at the time 1) my faith was starting to crumble, and 2) the church was not going to be able to support me long term unless changes were made and there was no way effective change was going to be made as long as the Dirty Pig kept interfering in everything new I proposed that he didn’t like. When I got back I wrote a letter to the church board outlining my problems and what needed to be done. A good chunk of it was directed at the Dirty Pig and his church political control, and he knew it.

There were only two responses: 1) One guy who understood I was right said so privately but also didn’t want to fight any more about it. He stayed on the council long enough to got something for his departed wife done as a memorial and left the church. 2) A second guy who was not on the council challenged the business dealings of the church and was basically silenced through the Dirty Pig’s moderator power. Everyone else stayed in line and stayed quiet.

After that, I basically said to myself: “This church is going nowhere as long as the Dirty Pig runs it.” I am just going to come, preach and help people where I can. I had a couple years of education to do and then I was out. I could do the job and then walk.

Then, of course, Miss Salty came along and kind of upset all that. One day in April of 2018, at a prayer meeting, she bounces in and announces that the Dirty Pig is no longer her favorite person, but I am. I could see his face. That “I don’t like to finish in second’ look all over it. I am not saying there was anything romantic in his intentions toward Miss Salty, but like all people who came into his life with problems he always wanted to be the one that ‘fixed’ them, so he could pat himself on the back. The sides were set at that point.

The following events are as best I can reconstruct them in order and true as I know:

Miss Salty and I announced our affair to her aunt and my wife on Sunday evening. Monday, the Dirty Pig got the news from the aunt and I headed over to his place of business to talk.
I had written my resignation and gave it to him. He argued four things: 1) That I shouldn’t resign, 2) That I was going to ruin my pastor career, 3) That I was going to not have a future career in anything else. and 4) That I needed to dump is Salty because she was ‘a deranged little girl’ that is never going to amount to much and be an embarrassment to me. My responses: 1) No, I am going to resign. Inside my head, I knew he would use this against me to control me. 2) Didn’t give a shit anymore. 3) Maybe. But as my one friend would say later, people don’t really care why a pastor leaves the ministry when they switch to something else. He is right. 4) That’s an interesting opinion of a woman who has a very high opinion of you Mr. Dirty Pig. I told him I didn’t know where this relationship was going but I knew I loved her and wanted it to be mutual.
One might argue that at this point I should have known the Dirty Pig was dirty, but he told me he would do as I asked and read my resignation and would handle things as my friend. Given all I had done for him over the years pretty much because he was my friend, I was grateful. I trusted him to do the right thing in this regard because of our friendship, and it is what I would have done for him. I had not seen him be dishonorable in that regard and that was my downfall with him.
On Tuesday, Miss Salty and I broke up the first time.
Wednesday, The Dirty Pig calls me up and asks me to revise my resignation to not have the confession line. His reasons: not wanting to start gossip in the church and not wanting to drag Miss Salty into this. I felt the reasons were sound and because I was planning to tell the story myself the next Sunday after, I agreed and told him I would get it to him in the next couple days.
On Friday, I handed him the revised resignation, no confession line in it.
From a conversation I had later in July with Miss Salty, I was made aware that it was also Friday and about the same time that he called her asking her permission to tell the story.
Sunday The Dirty Pig reads my resignation and then tells the story. This information got back to me as well as the information that the congregation had been whipped into a lynch mob for all practical purposes. I knew then I could not go back and talk to them now as from their perception I was hiding something, which was never my intention. The Dirty Pig absolute dragged Miss Salty into it and used her, and had every intention of starting gossip in the church to use for his own purposes.
I was also told there was a plan in place to vote for my resignation or to fire me. They already even had the ballots from one report I got. That speaks to a lot of intentional planning for a certain result long before the announcement was even made. Hmmm.
Second Monday, I texted the Dirty Pig as to what was going on? He never responded and still never has said one thing to me since.
Miss Salty and I began our second dating cycle on Tuesday, In retrospect, my need for someone to talk to given the whole weight of this made me open once again for this relationship. I was hurting and she was there.

I was fired and then denied any kind fo severance. They even made it retroactive to May 27th, 2018. I could probably just walk away from it if it had been fairly treated but I wasn’t. The deck was stacked against me and I didn’t know it until it was too late. A person I love was used against me and a congregation I loved turned against me by the Dirty Pig.

Later on August 2nd, as a related in part 1, all this came to the attention of Miss Salty who couldn’t believe The Dirty pig would do that to her..probably. Through my sources, I learned she called him up when she read my post on August 2nd about this and asked him to refute it. He wouldn’t talk to her or give her an answer. I guess that was right after she hung up on me for the last time. After that, she gets high and drunk all the way to the end of the 3rd probably. She found out the hard way what I knew from early June – I was no longer relevant to the Dirty Pig and now she knew neither was she.

The fact is I now know one thing about him. If you are no longer of use or you are going to tarnish his precious reputation, he has no problem discarding you. His view of friendship is purely utilitarian. I would have given him love enough to squash all the rumors and I certainly would have at least have given him time to think about things. I would have also made sure both sides were represented fairly. I would take heat for him as a friend too.

There was a ton of rumors at the time and 95% of them were nonsense. Some of them affect my reuniting with my wife so I will deal with them in part three. But I want to set the record straight about my relationship with Miss Salty from May 21st, 2018, to the time of my resignation.

We never had any physical contact beyond holding hands once, hugs and a kiss on the forehead from me to her. There was no sex or sexual conduct.
Our relationship was a lot of ‘I love you’s’ and genuine concern for each other’s happiness and welfare. At least for me, I can’t speak for her.
There were no other women, girls or whatever. Just Miss Salty.
Miss Salty was a legal and functional adult at the time of this, the entire time. No crime was committed.

The other things that burn me:

That I was never informed at any time of what was happening by any official channel of the church. I was also fired without once being asked if I could come and defend myself in any way. If it hadn’t been for a few friends, I wouldn’t have known shit.
I currently make more money where I am now and have more benefits than the entire almost decade I served that church. It seems one mistake costs you a lot of years where I was there for people, held their hands in tragedy and backed and encouraged them. Severance isn’t just about the money.
Very few from the church have come to me to talk to me about this.
They actually sent Miss Salty a voting ballot about my fate. I love the dual accountability. Hammer for me; free pass for her. After all the time they said I was being too soft on her and not treating her like an adult, what they do? Treat her like a child, and actually make her decide something about someone she loved. I applaud her for throwing the thing in the trash.
Because I was fired, I can’t even list anyone from the church a reference because primarily I don’t trust any of them. But it would be impractical and counterproductive too.
I preached for nine and a half years on grace and forgiveness. I gave people a lot of grace and we as a church even forgave a couple that actually stole from the church and welcomed them back in. Me – throw me to the wolves.

Some of the rest of the church nonsense comes into play in my marriage discussion, so I will leave it until then.

One last thing, some argue this is the reason for my leaving the faith. Not true, it is more the final crash from a falling faith that started falling back in 2015-2016. My objections to Christianity are theological and philosophical and I will be rewriting them soon in Odin’s Eye for the next month or so. All this really does is make me thankful I left the world of church politics and hypocritical Christianity behind. I haven’t been in a church for a service since May 27th, 2018 and I feel so much better for it. The only justification for a pagan for being hypocritical is making it right or conflict through fire and steel for honor sake. I will have a message for my church and the Dirty Pig in my last post in this series on Frigg and Freya’s Day.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Christian Invasion – Asatru (Part 4)” – The Pagan Pulpit

August 4, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “Viking War Song – Fehu” – Wardruna

Meditation:

There have been a lot of really shitty things that were legal for people to do. Legal is no metric for right and wrong. Truth and Justice are not about what is legal.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

It is at this point, that I hope that why I am going through the history of the Germanic/Scandinavian religion that it will be clear why the modern movement of Asatru is necessary as a reconstructionist effort. The main cause is that the Christians were very good a wiping out paganism for the most part. It certainly made sure that whatever aspects of paganism that survived had to 1) go underground or 2) hide in the midst of Christian tradition.

As a former Christian pastor, I lived with a couple very terrible bits of historical revelation. 1) That the spread of Christianity was due in large part to missionary efforts that involved bribery, diplomacy and violence more than the truth of the religion as it stands on its own, and 2) That these tactics have continued to the present day. There is what Jesus taught and what Christianity does to spread the faith, and they are miles apart. Light years really.

Paganism in the middle ages started to face a new invasion from a religion that was relentless in its missionary zeal. The basic tactic of Christians was to approach a ruler and offer them salvation in the church. The offer was often sweetened by the fact if that ruler was facing an opponent that was difficult or wanted some sort of help in a conflict they were having with a neighbor, conversion to Christianity brought church financial support as well as the support of Chrisitan allies as they went after those ‘unwashed’ heathens.

Inside each new ruler’s country then the process would start of identifying pagan practices, making them illegal and then purging the pagan practices and if necessary the pagans themselves. There are stories that survive of the slaughter of heathens on a grand scale, destruction of pagan sacred sites and the seizing of pagan property which found its way either into the church’s hands or the ruler of the country. There came a tipping point in Europe where it was either join the church or die and many chose to join the church. A few brave souls chose to die with honor along with their countrymen.

The problem for those who now follow Asatru with all this is that Christianity was very effective in wiping out a lot of the old ways to the point that much has been lost. Asatru is a reconstructionist movement at its heart trying to search out and find things that were lost and then restore them.

It is only recently in the history of the world that some countries have added the Norse/Germanic religions to their list of accepted state religions and thus opening up even the ability to try. For the most part up until then, pagan practices survived by bastardizing their practices by combining them with Christian ones. See Easter’s bunny and Christmas’ trees and lights. Or they went underground passed secretly from one generation to the next. Some things survived in ancient writings and mythology. This is why Asatru is necessary as it is trying to put back into place what has long been lost.

For myself, I knew all these things as a Christian for many years about what my faith had done but justified it. Now, I call it out for what it is – gross hypocrisy. I would also say that Christianity has acted in greed, malice, and lust but called it manifest destiny, the divine right of kings (government), and missionary zeal. They really should be ashamed of their history, but they go on merrily talking about how loving and humble they are and a force for ‘civilization’. There is nothing very civilized about running a sword through someone simply because they have a different faith than you.

The problem for me is I live with a Chrisitan and my family is mostly Christian. They are good people and for the most part ignorant of their religion’s history. That said, I know that their faith has blood on its hands going back quite a bit and in some contexts, they would, because of their faith, do some pretty shitty things to others. For Me, Asatru is about getting back to my spiritual roots before Christianity came into my ancestors’ lives and changed things. It is about finding that which is lost and restoring it back to my weary soul.

Parting Thought:

An obvious note in Asatru. Loyalty is, but not obedience. That belong to the religions that expect blind loyalty and servitude. We are free people and respect and allegiance are earned.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16

August 3, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Saturn’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this one and the three that will follow for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.

Year Ago Retrospect will thave three parts: The Breakup, The Church Nonsense, and Marriage. I will also write a conclusion post on Frigg and Freya’s Day that is a message to a few people who I no longer have any other avenue to say something to if they read this series and hopefully some final direction for myself. I am hoping these posts and writing about the events in them will give me some clarity of what to do now that it has been a year. I knew The Grey would be strong this week, but so far it has been almost overwhelming so…

These will take the place of my normal journal posts this week because in a very real sense they are me journaling my feelings. Today – The Breakup. Moon’s Day – The Church Nonsense. Wooden’s Day – My Marriage. Frigg and Freya’s Day – Conclusion. I apologize for any hard or difficult feelings this may cause. I have no doubt that this will cause some.

That said, I feel if I don’t do this, I am going to lose it with memories so strong right now. The feelings they are causing are so difficult it is hard to keep it together. I need to write about this. Why? Because it is time to get this out of my system because it is affecting me negatively. Writing as therapy. One other thing – please wait to read all the posts before passing complete judgment on me. Here we go.

A year ago yesterday, my affair with Miss Salty ended with her breaking up with me and then pretty much blocking me on every social media avenue leaving me pretty much alone, lonely and bleeding from my soul. It has now been a year since I have had any sort of contact with her. Life in the Grey has been very difficult ever since.

To understand why this was so, I have to go back a some months before that, so today as a matter of therapeutic writing and to set my side of the story straight as far as I see it, I am going to recount the events of this relationship from roughy January of 2018 to the breakup and a little beyond. I want to then end with the implications for me today, now that it is a year later.

It is hard to think of this but in January 2018 I was a respected minister of a small church. That said I was struggling with my faith and had been in that state for several years. My theological objections to Christianity were there and I was finding no answers and the fact that I was making a living doing something that was based on a faith I no longer had didn’t help my psyche. It was causing quite a crisis of conscience. I was trying to preach my way back to faith, and it wasn’t working. Then my organist died.

This was significant because it marked the end of an era for my church. Our pianist had died a couple years before and my main singer had died just a few months before the organist. With my long-time organist dead, there was nothing left in the music realm that I had started with nine years before. We were also fairly good friends. I liked Jim and understood him and respected him. I was grieving about it but no one was asking me how I was.

That is the peril of the modern ministry, you look after everyone else but no one looks after you. Into my grief walked Miss Salty. She had been a part of my church since October of 2017 when she left her home because it was an abusive environment. I had befriended her and was trying to counsel her through some issues. When she saw my grief and depression she recognized it right away and asked me several times how I was doing. It was honest and genuine and she really wanted to know. She was the only one asking me this genuinely.

At this time, it kind of took our friendship up a notch. We began to talk a lot and I soon was very amazed at how open I was with her. The more I got to know her, and she got to know me, the easier it was to talk to her. I have never had a person get me so quickly and understand me so well that I have been that transparent. Not even my wife.

I never believed in a soul mate before. I always looked at relationships with people as something you had to work at because none of them were perfect. But my relationship with Miss Salty began to challenge that notion. My own marriage at the time was hostile with that kind of passive aggression that makes things mostly unbearable. I had been going to school for three years by this time and my basic plan was to finish my degree, find a new job and then very seriously consider divorcing my wife because it wasn’t working. If Miss Salty had not come along, I would probably have continued at the church and be finishing the divorce part of the plan right now.

I started to see Miss Salty not just as a friend but a confidant. She kept my secrets and me hers. Looking back my feelings of romantic love started in about late February 2018, a month after her 18th birthday. I know what people think at this point, so let me stress this, her age didn’t factor in other than had she been under age my responses to some of the events that followed would have been different. I have far too much desire to keep my own freedom to break the law.

She was from the time my feelings started until the end of our affair a legal adult and I am very certain she had the capacity to understand what she was doing. She is smart and has enough life experience to know what people understand is right and wrong. Our relationship started as a friendship and a damn good one. The circumstances and our choices that followed led to what happened. Two people in pain, drawing comfort from one another is how this started. Nothing more and nothing less.

I want to shorten this part of the story, but suffice it to say from February until late May my feelings of love grew for her. I kept them to myself. I have never been good at starting romantic relationships. According to her, she started feeling the same in late March. She was going through a tough time then and I reached out to her and then as April and May went along we grew very close. I went to her graduation and the day after she flat out asked me if I loved her. I wish she had never asked because I have this thing with telling the truth.

I said yes because it was true. It lasted a week before it came unglued in that neither one of us could take the pressure of trying to keep up the lies to cover this up. She told her aunt and I told my wife. My wife left and we separated. Two days later I was feeling I was going to go down hard, so I deliberately pushed her away to protect her from the fallout. She was smart enough to figure it out and a week later reached out to me saying she wanted to try again.

That week had some other shenanigans I need to talk about because they factor into the breakup later. On that Monday I handed my original resignation to the church moderator (from now on referred to in these posts as The Dirty Pig) for him to read to the church. The Dirty Pig tried to lecture me; which rubbed me wrong, but he had been a friend for a long time, so I trusted him and handed him my church-key. The day after Miss Salty and I split the first time he called me and asked me to change my resignation by removing the one sentence that confessed what I had done.

His reasons were that he didn’t want to start gossip in the church at that time and that he didn’t want to drag Miss Salty into this. In retrospect, he read me pretty well. He knew I still genuinely loved my congregation and Miss Salty and he used both those things. He knew I trusted him and he used that against me as well. I turned my revised resignation into him on Friday and probably within a half-hour, based on something Miss Salty told me, but she didn’t realize it was a clue to me figuring this out, the Dirty Pig calls her up and asks permission to tell the story. Miss Salty and I were not talking at the time because we had broken up, or The Dirty Pig would have never been able to pull what he did next off.

He reads my resignation and then tells the whole story. My revised resignation didn’t have a confession line anymore, so the whole thing made it look like I was hiding something. I had planned on showing up the next Sunday to explain the situation myself, but as I got the report of what happened, I knew that was no longer possible without causing the congregation some major pain.

I am going to stay with Miss Salty here and talk about the church thing in more detail later in my second post. I have three things that cause The Grey Storm from this time period. The other two besides the breakup are the church issue and my marriage. But the foremost is the breakup with Miss Salty.

We would date two more times. The second time was truly “let’s try this out”. She broke up with me on the day I was returning from my friend’s house in Houston, TX in late June. She never gave me a reason that time, but I wrote about it on my blog at the time, because this time I wasn’t going to just suffer in silence. She cut me off, but not completely as she kept one social media avenue open.

It was through this avenue that we restarted our friendship because both of us missed that. The problem was staying just friends. It was soon friends with benefits. Not the actual physical kind as this entire time we were separated by about 40 miles of distance with neither one of us having a transportation method to see each other. Things might have turned out very differently if we had possessed this. The one thing I expressed early on is that I loved her and I knew I couldn’t remain just friends. After a couple days she sends me a short video expressing that she still loved me too.

In late July, she did something I didn’t expect. She asked me to marry her. I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but my wife and our counselor until now. At least I don’t think I have, but it is probably time to do so. I said yes. A little untraditional but I was happy to accept because I was very much in love with her. For the days leading up to the last breakup, I was never happier. I have never felt like that before or since. I finally got a job interview and things were looking up.

August 2nd, 2018 is a day I will not probably ever forget. I got up and everything was normal in the sense that Miss Salty and I were loving and she even gave me a pep talk for my interview. I borrowed my mom’s car feeling on top of the world and I nailed the interview and got offered a job. I felt great, better than I had in years. I was finally taking the first steps to all that I wanted at the time. On the way home, she texts me that we need to talk. I knew something was wrong because the usual “I love you” was missing.

I had written on the subject of the Dirty Pig’s involvement in my firing and what I had ultimately discovered above a week before this on The Rabyd Microphone. Miss Salty finally got to read it that day and she was upset. I think she thought I was lying about some of it, but I wasn’t. The hammer dropped. We had talked the day before about her drama class and how she was a good actress, and I mentioned I would have liked to see that. That moment she told me that I already had seen her act. That some of the things she had been doing with me were an act. I told her I didn’t believe her and started to cry. The conversation was one of me asking ‘why?’ through my tears and her going through a lot of reasons that didn’t make sense to me and still don’t. I guess in retrospect I am just a stupid old man that fell in love with the wrong woman.

The problem for me now is I still have more questions than answers. I don’t know whether she was genuine or not. I know the next day she got high and drunk. That is the actions of someone in love trying to forget it. I know I cried for the next few days and felt very close to losing it. Like my sanity. I suppose the spirit that would become The Grey Wayfarer was born at this time, and it kept me sane. It also probably helped that a few days later on Facebook she had posted a picture of her holding hands with someone else.

The questions remain: 1) Did she love me or was it truly an act? 2) Is it possible that I loved her but she didn’t love me back? She sure fooled me if that is the case. 3) What does this say about me now? 4) Will this scar in my heart ever heal? Probably not completely.

It has been a year; I still struggle with this. I suppose it is a testimony to the fact my love was genuine toward her and that makes me feel somewhat decent about the whole thing. I wasn’t acting or lying that was for sure. I wrote once that maybe she was the smart one and did what needed to be done so neither of us would face the ire of our respective families. It would have been a hard relationship for those we love. But to be with one’s soul mate? Maybe she was to me, but I wasn’t to her. I don’t know and it is this ignorance that haunts my thoughts.

All I know is my personality is such that I never truly fall out of love with any woman I have loved. I just don’t seem to have the capacity to completely kill that love or even be angry at that woman. Even with my wife, I never wished her ill or was angry enough to harm her. It was this love for my wife, as small as it was that lead me to reach out to try to reconcile. But that is the story for another The Grey and The Wayfarer. Until then maybe some of you that have taken the time to read all this can offer me some wisdom as to how to deal with my pain over this. I don’t believe time heals everything, I think this is one thing that will remain with me for the rest of my life. But is there a better way to cope?

Yes. I know I am an idiot. But it is something I struggle with. Miss Salty gave me a couple final instructions: 1) To try to find someone else and 2) focus on my writing. In the end, the second one has led to this blog: The Grey Wayfarer. But, it also means that the memory of her haunts my steps every time I write. I have lost something and I wander to find it and wonder if I ever will.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

	Grant W on Of Wolves and Ravens – M…
	Wolfgang on “Skadi: Goddess of the W…
	Heimdall Norse Mytho… on “Heimdall – Guardi…
	Ed Raby Sr on Pause, Reset, Re-Align, R…
	Dawn on Pause, Reset, Re-Align, R…

The Grey Wayfarer

A Blog of Ed Raby, Sr. – The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard and Philosopher

Month: August 2019

“The Purpose of Journal Posts” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

“Revival – Asatru (Part 5)” – The Pagan Pulpit

“Finding a New Muse – Blog Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 4) – Closure in Walking On” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 19

“Objections to Christianity – Part 1 – The Bible’s Inspiration by God” (Revised August 2019) – Odin’s Eye – Theological Objections to Christianity.

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 3) – My Marriage – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 18

“Asatru and Perseverance” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Perseverance

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 2) – Church Nonsense” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 17

“The Christian Invasion – Asatru (Part 4)” – The Pagan Pulpit

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16