Writing

“Happy Sif’s Day and Some Personal and Writing Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

Sif: Gold-Haired Earth Goddess

After a week’s deliberation, I decided that from henceforth, Saturn’s Day will now be Sif’s Day.  I juggled Eostre and Idun in this spot but in the end, I think Thor’s wife, goddess of the land, earth, and harvest takes Saturn’s Place the best.  Her story in Norse mythology is the one where her hair is shaved off, presumably by Loki as a prank.  Thor threatens to hurt Loki repeatedly unless he fixes the problem.  Through a complex, multilayered scheme, Loki convinces the Dwarves to create living gold hair that when Sif places it on her head attaches itself and becomes her hair.

Other than that, Sif represents the fertility of the earth.  Something that is missing from the week with the current gods and goddesses.  As Thor’s wife, the rain – earth duo is in the days now.  I rejected Idun and Eostre in the end because they already have their time of the year all to themselves in many respects.  Sif represents the constant and continual bounty of the earth in all seasons.  With Sol, we have the bright sun goddess who is a beacon of life and truth.  With Frigg, we have hearth and home.  Freya gives us a passionate woman both in love and war.   The addition of Sif gives us the hard-working woman in the field. A welcome addition.

So. Happy Sif’s Day.

Personal Notes: 

This is not a The Grey and The Wayfarer post. But after writing my four-part series of getting things off my chest so to speak, I have felt much better.  I have thought of some of these things far less and seem to be moving on better. Perhaps the Storm is breaking and some sun is shining through at last.  Time to get moving.

My job search can be a little frustrating at times. I learned recently that most Human Resources jobs want certification.  No problem accept its another few months of time and a couple thousand dollars. So crossing that off at least for now, I have focused on Business, Education, and Government.

Business – I am moving my focus from human resources to retail as I actually not only have some education there as far as management but also experience both in retail and management but never at the same time. Mostly, business is attractive because I have 15-20 years left before age and retirement will start to kick my ass and I need to make as much money and put it aside as possible in that frame of time.  At the same time, the physical labor thing is going to be less and less of an option. Retail Business Management fits given experience and education.

Education – I could go to another state and teach.  Texas would let me start and then learn the education stuff as I go.  Mostly though I would be using it as a springboard for a masters’ degree and eventual doctorate. I would want to teach at the university level.

Government – Like it or not, I am adding this to the list because my Political Science degree gives me the most qualifications for government jobs. It is what the degree is actually designed for, so it is time to add it to the list.

One of the things I have done is to rewrite my Resume again. I eliminated, as much as possible, any references to my ministry career and my education for it. They are irrelevant to the jobs listed above.  I also have been removing anything that might give away my age. My experience listed will still make me older, but I want it to be, without lying, a little nebulous.

Writing Notes:

There is, of course, my other ‘career’ as a writer which I need to get more serious about.  So here is that list:

Blog: This personal blog needs to be kept up because it is simply good practice.

Blog Fiction: Last time I wrote about some fiction ideas I had floating, but there is some other fiction on this blog already that I need to address and make the previously mentioned ideas a little more concrete.

  1. The Grey Wayfarer (Serial) – I wrote this series when I first started this blog  It was a work of fantasy fiction with the same name as the blog.  That was confusing I am sure, but the reason I stopped writing it here was a realized it had potential to be one helluva novel.  So, I leave the five parts that exist as a teaser to a someday maybe finished work. I just felt the writing was that good and so was the concept.
  2. Rogue Wizard: The Fire of Fury –  There is a large part of me that senses the whole Hedge Wizard of Redberg / Rogue Wizard universe and storyline needs come to a complete end. I originally started the whole thing as a labor of love for Miss Salty and now she is gone out of my life.  The continuation based on it in this blog is difficult emotionally at best to write. Spoiler: It might be time for the whole thing to die. But it will die by my own hand and not just fade away unfinished. I have been sitting on Part 10 for months because emotionally it might be the last difficult thing to write with the whole saga. After that, it is simply a matter of killing off the main character. Me.
  3. ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ (adult version) – I have toyed with the idea of taking fairy tales and giving them a modern spin many times.  It would fit my short story or short fiction series niche.  Red Riding Hood, if you know the actual origin and symbolism is already a pretty adult tale, but I want to give it an urban fantasy truly adult feel.  Little Red wouldn’t be the only one but it is my favorite fairy tale and a good place to start.
  4. Tales of a Viking Muse (working title) – I mentioned this a couple days ago.  This will be my Viking Shieldmaiden Skald Muse.  I am using Dungeons and Dragons to flesh out the character and to create the backdrop world to an extent.  She will be a combination of a fighter/bard.
  5. ‘Space Tramp’ – Basically I am taking the advanced character generation system from MegaTraveller and doing a year by year full flesh out of the background of a character.  The challenge, of course, is the random nature of the generation process which will force me to in one year explain a near-death and another year take a pretty boring admin assignment and make an interesting story of it.  The character will be a free trader crewman of the merchant branch, so it should give him the freedom to move about as he sees fit.  It should be fun.

Non-Fiction Book: My book here is basically Life of Christ, but form a skeptics’ point of view. I taught the life of Christ as a pastor and instructor in the faith probably ten times. I am simply writing what would amount to a harmony of the gospels with a twist.  I am going to show even with four accounts, the gospels still are not compelling evidence to believe that the Life of Christ as presented in the Bible is a genuine story of any more historical value than Homer’s Illiad or the Tales of Gilgamesh.

Novel: Over the last few years the successful fantasy stories have been the epic ones from Game of Thrones, to Lord of the Rings, to Wheel of Time and Sword of Truth.  I don’t mind these but I enjoy more the stories that are a little more down to earth.  Five friends from a small village heading out into the unknown and finding an adventure.  No saving the world or correcting the imbalances in the powers of magic for the universe.  Just some friends finding themselves in a tough spot and fighting to get out of it.  That’s my novel. I am thinking of using National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) to fast forward its content by 50,000 words in November.

This is a lot of writing, but good writers write a lot and I want to be a good writer. So, raise a drinking horn to the challenge of making some changes in my writing with the goal of publication and making it my second and hopefully also paying career.  What you may see over the next couple of weeks is me trying to make progress on all of this. Hopefully, my muse will come alive and something will not only click but take off.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Role-Playing Games as a Writing Tool” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day!

This post idea has been sitting in my hopper since July.  It’s probably about time that I clear it.

In writing, there are a couple of challenges when it comes to characters and their interaction with each other. The first is record-keeping in that you need to make character notes and that can take a lot of forms but you want something simple that can be easily altered as the story unfolds.  The second is the ability to compare characters wih each other.  Which one is stronger, smarter.  Along with this is what can one character do that the others cannot.  This can be tricky if you don’t have a system that can compare them objectively or makes not of the differences.

My solution has been when applicable to use role-playing games (RPGs) for this purpose.  The paper, dice and pen kind. Over the years I have used Dungeons and Dragons for instance to make records of my Fantasy Characters.  By having already made up character sheets and plans to make notes, it makes it very easy to do this.  You also can know which character is stronger or smarter by comparing Strength and Intelligence scores for instance. You can also know that one character has knowledge of history while the rest of the group does not and the other has knowledge of how to speak Elvish and the others do not. I currently use this for my novel which is a fantasy novel, but I have also used it with science ficiton and urban fantasy.  With the first MegaTraveller has been used and with the second d20 Modern with the Urban Arcana addition works very well.

The trick with it though is sometimes you can’t be completely bound by the world the RPG characters are created in when writing. Then you might be writing fan fiction but not original stories.  Fantasy is easier to avoid as you can simply create your own world and adapt the RPG system you are using to it.  But science fiction can be more problematic with this approach.  Science Fiction RPGs tend to be very universe specific. Mostly though as a writer you have to be story-driven not rules-driven.

By opening up my writing schedule recently, I think a good way to get the creative juices flowing would be to create a single RPG character and then take them for a writing fiction ride for a while.  I am going to combine this with my search for a new muse as well. I am thinking I may do a D and D female character – I am thinking a Bard (Skald). 🙂

I also may in time drop into the science fiction world of Megatraveller. I have an idea for fleshing out the background of a character creation of a young orphaned lad who joins the Free Traders and starts traveling the stars.

One thing is for sure I need to get my creative juices flowing and there is a wealth of ideas to draw from RPGs and its time I began to tap into them.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Purpose of Journal Posts” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I return to my journal posts this week I am redefining their purpose ever so slightly. Mostly I want to write a little more broadly on this blog and there is only so much time in the week to do so.  So I think the best course of action at this time is to journal every other week.  This will also avoid a lot of repetitious writing but at the same time, I will also still be able to keep tabs on my progress on this journey we call life.  The purpose of these journal entries is for my benefit although I have had people say my thoughts reflect their own or benefit them in some way.

Basically now one week I will engage the Overall Virtue and Principle and the alternate week I will be looking at the Bucket List and Goals.  I will, of course, make a note of a goal or bucket list item when it gets crossed off. Weeks I am not journaling I will be writing on various topics or injecting a piece of fiction or poetry. The pattern is as follows.

Week 1 – Journal Posts (Virtue and Principle Focus)

Week 2 – Open Posts

Week 3 – Journal Posts (Bucket List and Goals Focus)

Week 4 – Open Posts

Repeat. Roughly then every month, things ill get covered and I feel that will be more than adequate.

I have changed my comment settings so that if you have a previously approved comment, you no longer have to wait for approval, so comment away if you have already done so.  I don’t know I may have to approve your next comment to do so.  This opens up the comment section quite a bit and that possibility gives me a little trepidation. Just a little note, all comments that WordPress filters as Spam will be disapproved.  No, I am not interested in what you are selling or promoting.  I am interested in real people who want to truly interact.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I must say after last week’s series of The Grey and The Wayfarer, I feel much better. It was good to get some things off my chest but also down for the record. My senes of honor is definitely a little higher as I seek to move on.  Lately, I have also kind of make it a point to tell people I appreciate them when I think of it as well.

Today will be Day 316 of my blog streak for the year.  That leaves 49 more days.  I now a new pair of hiking boots so My training walks can resume.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I am making every effort to do the right thing at the right time.  Currently, I am still looking for the job I want, but I decided to take an opportunity at my current job to improve my current situation while I continue to search.  It’s been a year and just getting back to maintaining life has been good, but now it is time to improve.

I had some unexpected expenses so my tattoo fund got emptied so we are back to square one, but with the new opportunity should come the ability to get that fund back up and build it faster.  It is the easiest thing on my bucket list to cross off – getting the tattoos.  So I will continue to focus on it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Well, last week was definitely a week of being honest with myself.  Progress in that area was good and I feel that I am in a position to move forward.

This last 10 days or so have been a mess so getting back to discipline and routine is the first priority and with that comes the book writing and learning Latin.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Loving myself is a real challenge.  My last two addresses on Frigg and Freya’s Day were to the old me and the new. A lot of that was me transitioning from being a person who loves others to the expensive of himself into a person that loves themselves to the point they can love others effectively. It has been a hard lesson this past year of the consequences can be for me and others if I do not do this.  It has become imperative that I maintain love toward myself to keep walking.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Yeah, I need to get on this again. The past ten days have been shit.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Finding a New Muse – Blog Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know, right.  It’s a Rabyd Skald Post that isn’t The Grey and The Wayfarer and thus isn’t my soul bleeding all over the place. I had to write the most recent series, emotional baggage and all of it; but it has been an emotional roller coaster, and quite frankly I need to move on and this is me taking the first steps in that. Whenever I have turned a new corner, I have turned to writing to help me guide me on the path, and this time will be no exception.  This post is a discussion of an issue and some notes on the future of this blog and what you can expect to see.

The issue is the loss of my muse and the search for a new one.  I have had several muses over the years. All of them female. The first one was my first love. The second was a love for writing that I developed with my first blogs.  I kind of imagined her as a loving teacher standing over my shoulder. More recently I imagined her as one of my friends who argued with my internal editor a lot. My last one was Miss Salty and as you know she is now more of a ghost that haunts me rather than a muse these days. My wife has never acted as a muse for me because that is not the nature of our relationship. She inspires a lot of virtues in me, but not creativity. So I search for a new one.

This may actually be my first attempt at looking at spirituality from a pagan point of view to find a new muse. To find some inspiration in a spiritual idea to form into a lovely woman who will inspire me.  Why female? Because when all else has failed, when I think of the women who have inspired me over the years as a man, they all have that one quality that inspires my creativity – femininity itself.  The problem is all of them have had the weakness of being more of stay at home women who were never warriors and I think that is part of the issue. My muse needs to be a combination of a strong female warrior and a passionate creative lover. Freya personified but not Freya.  A shieldmaiden but also a skald in her own right. Femininity personified but Viking femininity.

See the source image

I think the first steps to this will be to make this blog take the Viking and Norse mythology theme it has more complete. One of the things I can do right away is the greeting is for each post.  You know, ‘Happy Saturn’s Day’ – except Saturn is a Roman god and actually presents the only real problem in this change. Sun’s Day becomes Sol’s Day and Moon’s Day becomes Mani’s Day.  But who to pick for Saturn’s replacement?  Well, let’s see. 1) all of these are Norse gods or goddesses. There are four Norse gods represented: Mani, Tyr, Odin, and Thor, each with their own day. There are three goddesses represented: Sol, Frigg, and Freya with Frigg and Freya sharing a day.  So I think it should be a goddess with her own day to balance things out.  But who to chose?  I guess I would accept suggestions, so let me know in the comments.  But in any case, I will make a decision by next week.

See the source image

Speaking of comments, I am going to do something brave.  I have decided to open up the comments to where if you are approved once then you don’t have to be approved again.  I am going to still monitor this closely because of past problems, but I think most of the people ho write comments can be trusted. Starting Sol’s Day you will be able to do this.  Don’t abuse the privilege, be kind to one another.

The other thing is the post-rotation and the one thing this last mini-series has taught me is that I could do the journal Posts every other week.  Thus I could open up every other week to write on other things. To do other series either fiction or non-fiction which does represent my style a little bit from All Things Rabyd.  In addition, Weekends have always been a bugaboo of what to do but a rotation where I post stuff on Saturday and the extra slot on Sol’s Day would be nice places for creative writing.

Ultimately, what I want is more flexibility in my weekly agenda, but at the same time some solid rotation that keeps me writing on different subjects and in different forms.  I will drop another The Rabyd Skald once I have made some final decisions.

I am looking at this as moving on. I need to move this blog from dealing with the past so much and talk more about my journey through life. My Pilgrimage. I hope some changes will help me do that.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16

/ Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Saturn’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this one and the three that will follow for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

Year Ago Retrospect will thave three parts:  The Breakup, The Church Nonsense, and Marriage.  I will also write a conclusion post on Frigg and Freya’s Day that is a message to a few people who I no longer have any other avenue to say something to if they read this series and hopefully some final direction for myself.  I am hoping these posts and writing about the events in them will give me some clarity of what to do now that it has been a year.  I knew The Grey would be strong this week, but so far it has been almost overwhelming so…

These will take the place of my normal journal posts this week because in a very real sense they are me journaling my feelings.  Today –  The Breakup.  Moon’s Day – The Church Nonsense.  Wooden’s Day – My Marriage. Frigg and Freya’s Day – Conclusion.  I apologize for any hard or difficult feelings this may cause. I have no doubt that this will cause some.

That said, I feel if I don’t do this, I am going to lose it with memories so strong right now.  The feelings they are causing are so difficult it is hard to keep it together. I need to write about this.  Why? Because it is time to get this out of my system because it is affecting me negatively.  Writing as therapy.  One other thing – please wait to read all the posts before passing complete judgment on me.  Here we go.

A year ago yesterday, my affair with Miss Salty ended with her breaking up with me and then pretty much blocking me on every social media avenue leaving me pretty much alone, lonely and bleeding from my soul. It has now been a year since I have had any sort of contact with her. Life in the Grey has been very difficult ever since.

To understand why this was so, I have to go back a some months before that, so today as a matter of therapeutic writing and to set my side of the story straight as far as I see it, I am going to recount the events of this relationship from roughy January of 2018 to the breakup and a little beyond.  I want to then end with the implications for me today, now that it is a year later.

It is hard to think of this but in January 2018 I was a respected minister of a small church.  That said I was struggling with my faith and had been in that state for several years.  My theological objections to Christianity were there and I was finding no answers and the fact that I was making a living doing something that was based on a faith I no longer had didn’t help my psyche. It was causing quite a crisis of conscience.  I was trying to preach my way back to faith, and it wasn’t working. Then my organist died.

This was significant because it marked the end of an era for my church.  Our pianist had died a couple years before and my main singer had died just a few months before the organist. With my long-time organist dead, there was nothing left in the music realm that I had started with nine years before.  We were also fairly good friends. I liked Jim and understood him and respected him.  I was grieving about it but no one was asking me how I was.

That is the peril of the modern ministry, you look after everyone else but no one looks after you. Into my grief walked Miss Salty. She had been a part of my church since October of 2017 when she left her home because it was an abusive environment. I had befriended her and was trying to counsel her through some issues.  When she saw my grief and depression she recognized it right away and asked me several times how I was doing.  It was honest and genuine and she really wanted to know. She was the only one asking me this genuinely.

At this time, it kind of took our friendship up a notch.  We began to talk a lot and I soon was very amazed at how open I was with her.  The more I got to know her, and she got to know me, the easier it was to talk to her.  I have never had a person get me so quickly and understand me so well that I have been that transparent.  Not even my wife.

I never believed in a soul mate before.  I always looked at relationships with people as something you had to work at because none of them were perfect. But my relationship with Miss Salty began to challenge that notion.  My own marriage at the time was hostile with that kind of passive aggression that makes things mostly unbearable. I had been going to school for three years by this time and my basic plan was to finish my degree, find a new job and then very seriously consider divorcing my wife because it wasn’t working.  If Miss Salty had not come along, I would probably have continued at the church and be finishing the divorce part of the plan right now.

I started to see Miss Salty not just as a friend but a confidant. She kept my secrets and me hers. Looking back my feelings of romantic love started in about late February 2018, a month after her 18th birthday.  I know what people think at this point, so let me stress this, her age didn’t factor in other than had she been under age my responses to some of the events that followed would have been different. I have far too much desire to keep my own freedom to break the law.

She was from the time my feelings started until the end of our affair a legal adult and I am very certain she had the capacity to understand what she was doing. She is smart and has enough life experience to know what people understand is right and wrong.  Our relationship started as a friendship and a damn good one.  The circumstances and our choices that followed led to what happened.  Two people in pain, drawing comfort from one another is how this started. Nothing more and nothing less.

I want to shorten this part of the story, but suffice it to say from February until late May my feelings of love grew for her.  I kept them to myself. I have never been good at starting romantic relationships.  According to her, she started feeling the same in late March.  She was going through a tough time then and I reached out to her and then as April and May went along we grew very close.  I went to her graduation and the day after she flat out asked me if I loved her. I wish she had never asked because I have this thing with telling the truth.

I said yes because it was true. It lasted a week before it came unglued in that neither one of us could take the pressure of trying to keep up the lies to cover this up. She told her aunt and I told my wife. My wife left and we separated. Two days later I was feeling I was going to go down hard, so I deliberately pushed her away to protect her from the fallout. She was smart enough to figure it out and a week later reached out to me saying she wanted to try again.

That week had some other shenanigans I need to talk about because they factor into the breakup later.  On that Monday I handed my original resignation to the church moderator (from now on referred to in these posts as The Dirty Pig) for him to read to the church. The Dirty Pig tried to lecture me; which rubbed me wrong, but he had been a friend for a long time, so I trusted him and handed him my church-key.  The day after Miss Salty and I split the first time he called me and asked me to change my resignation by removing the one sentence that confessed what I had done.

His reasons were that he didn’t want to start gossip in the church at that time and that he didn’t want to drag Miss Salty into this. In retrospect, he read me pretty well.  He knew I still genuinely loved my congregation and Miss Salty and he used both those things. He knew I trusted him and he used that against me as well.  I turned my revised resignation into him on Friday and probably within a half-hour, based on something Miss Salty told me, but she didn’t realize it was a clue to me figuring this out, the Dirty Pig calls her up and asks permission to tell the story. Miss Salty and I were not talking at the time because we had broken up, or The Dirty Pig would have never been able to pull what he did next off.

He reads my resignation and then tells the whole story. My revised resignation didn’t have a confession line anymore, so the whole thing made it look like I was hiding something.  I had planned on showing up the next Sunday to explain the situation myself,  but as I got the report of what happened, I knew that was no longer possible without causing the congregation some major pain.

I am going to stay with Miss Salty here and talk about the church thing in more detail later in my second post.  I have three things that cause The Grey Storm from this time period. The other two besides the breakup are the church issue and my marriage.  But the foremost is the breakup with Miss Salty.

We would date two more times. The second time was truly “let’s try this out”.  She broke up with me on the day I was returning from my friend’s house in Houston, TX in late June. She never gave me a reason that time, but I wrote about it on my blog at the time, because this time I wasn’t going to just suffer in silence.  She cut me off, but not completely as she kept one social media avenue open.

It was through this avenue that we restarted our friendship because both of us missed that.  The problem was staying just friends.  It was soon friends with benefits. Not the actual physical kind as this entire time we were separated by about 40 miles of distance with neither one of us having a transportation method to see each other.  Things might have turned out very differently if we had possessed this.  The one thing I expressed early on is that I loved her and I knew I couldn’t remain just friends. After a couple days she sends me a short video expressing that she still loved me too.

In late July, she did something I didn’t expect.  She asked me to marry her.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but my wife and our counselor until now. At least I don’t think I have, but it is probably time to do so. I said yes. A little untraditional but I was happy to accept because I was very much in love with her.  For the days leading up to the last breakup, I was never happier.  I have never felt like that before or since.  I finally got a job interview and things were looking up.

August 2nd, 2018 is a day I will not probably ever forget.   I got up and everything was normal in the sense that Miss Salty and I were loving and she even gave me a pep talk for my interview. I borrowed my mom’s car feeling on top of the world and I nailed the interview and got offered a job.  I felt great, better than I had in years.  I was finally taking the first steps to all that I wanted at the time.  On the way home, she texts me that we need to talk.  I knew something was wrong because the usual “I love you” was missing.

I had written on the subject of the Dirty Pig’s involvement in my firing and what I had ultimately discovered above a week before this on The Rabyd Microphone.  Miss Salty finally got to read it that day and she was upset.  I think she thought I was lying about some of it, but I wasn’t.  The hammer dropped.  We had talked the day before about her drama class and how she was a good actress, and I mentioned I would have liked to see that. That moment she told me that I already had seen her act.  That some of the things she had been doing with me were an act.  I told her I didn’t believe her and started to cry.  The conversation was one of me asking ‘why?’ through my tears and her going through a lot of reasons that didn’t make sense to me and still don’t.  I guess in retrospect I am just a stupid old man that fell in love with the wrong woman.

The problem for me now is I still have more questions than answers.  I don’t know whether she was genuine or not.  I know the next day she got high and drunk.  That is the actions of someone in love trying to forget it.  I know I cried for the next few days and felt very close to losing it. Like my sanity.  I suppose the spirit that would become The Grey Wayfarer was born at this time, and it kept me sane.  It also probably helped that a few days later on Facebook she had posted a picture of her holding hands with someone else.

The questions remain: 1) Did she love me or was it truly an act? 2) Is it possible that I loved her but she didn’t love me back?  She sure fooled me if that is the case.  3) What does this say about me now? 4) Will this scar in my heart ever heal?  Probably not completely.

It has been a year; I still struggle with this.  I suppose it is a testimony to the fact my love was genuine toward her and that makes me feel somewhat decent about the whole thing. I wasn’t acting or lying that was for sure.  I wrote once that maybe she was the smart one and did what needed to be done so neither of us would face the ire of our respective families. It would have been a hard relationship for those we love. But to be with one’s soul mate?  Maybe she was to me, but I wasn’t to her. I don’t know and it is this ignorance that haunts my thoughts.

All I know is my personality is such that I never truly fall out of love with any woman I have loved.  I just don’t seem to have the capacity to completely kill that love or even be angry at that woman.  Even with my wife, I never wished her ill or was angry enough to harm her.  It was this love for my wife, as small as it was that lead me to reach out to try to reconcile. But that is the story for another The Grey and The Wayfarer.  Until then maybe some of you that have taken the time to read all this can offer me some wisdom as to how to deal with my pain over this. I don’t believe time heals everything, I think this is one thing that will remain with me for the rest of my life.  But is there a better way to cope?

Yes. I know I am an idiot. But it is something I struggle with.  Miss Salty gave me a couple final instructions: 1) To try to find someone else and 2) focus on my writing.  In the end, the second one has led to this blog: The Grey Wayfarer. But, it also means that the memory of her haunts my steps every time I write.  I have lost something and I wander to find it and wonder if I ever will.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Industrious Like Volundr” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day

Journal Entry:

The Norse God of Smiths is a logical choice for Industriousness.  Known to the English as Wayland, this god was very popular with the entire northern European culture of old.  As smith god, he is credited with the forging of at least fourteen swords in the various literature and is known for his skill and industry.  He serves as a good example fo something to strive for as he is known for his focus, skill, and efficiency in working.

For myself, I strive to be a hard worker and enjoy the work I am doing.  My jobs over the years have not always been to my liking but work at least gives the purpose of making a life for yourself by providing the financial means to do so.  Volndr’s reputation though was a man who was committed to this but also he did what he loved to do – he truly was the smith of his own fortune.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual but also for the family, clan, tribe, and nation.”

Principle: To achieve and maintain personal independence and advocate for independence in my family, state and nation.

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by September 2019.

Bucket List: To own and run my own successful business or company by March 2029.

The job hunt continues.  The long term game plan is still to own my own shit.  Hard to get fired if you run the place.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published by March 2022.

The philosophical mindset is there.  I enjoy working for its own sake, but I am also thinking I need to apply this to the discipline of writing.  To enjoy the writing process as work rather than a hobby, I might be able to turn it into something that provides as well.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

I miss the guys that used to meet in my shop for game night.  Looking back on it, those times were some of the best.  I think I might need this again wherever I may land as far as a career and place of employment.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

Justice is about each action with other people being right and fair. The hard part of justice, the work of it, is to be just when the other person is not in return. That said, once you have experienced injustice back at you, you don’t have to deal with that person again, if you don’t have to do so. Some relationships are just failed projects and need to be discarded as such.

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Weightlifting: Gym time – 1 hour after work.
  5. Writing: Half-Hour on top of the blogging routine each day. Alternate between Non-Fiction Book and Novel.
  6. Language Study: A half-hour on Latin
  7. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, other actions, etc.
  8. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  9. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

Made the change so writing is every day for a half-hour. I mean I am blogging already might as well keep going for another half- hour.

Still walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Different Values” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and the Wayfarer – Part 15

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Tyr’s Day:

Yeah, I know.  It’s another week without “Of Wolves and Ravens”.  I need to get back to it for my own sake but right now the Grey is a ‘normal’ thing.  I knew July, in particular, would be difficult because of all that happened during this month last year and the reason is the memories are not necessarily bad ones.  It’s kind of like reading a story that has a lot of good things in it and happy times but you know a tragedy is going to hit at the end. Like following your favorite character in a story only to have them die suddenly.  It is that kind of emotion when you look at the story arc in retrospect.

The difference, of course, is the story is mine and I am the character so it is all too real and personal.

Another thing is I keep running into people from my past life as a pastor.  People I haven’t, in some cases, seen in over a year keep finding their way into my life. I play it cool but inside I would rather be far away. That journey is over and I want to leave the pain of it behind along with the people in the story as well.  They turned out to be characters that are not dynamic at all, just who reveal their true nature when someone doesn’t measure up to their expectations.

Of course, this leads to my real problem which is coming to terms in all aspects of my life with a different set of values I now possess.  What is important to me has changed and not in small ways but large ones. A loss of faith and a reevaluation of life will do that to you.  The questions that trouble my mind are ones that would make the writers of Babylon 5 proud: Who are you?  What do you want? Why are you here?

My oldest son recently observed I seem to be searching for something.  Something I haven’t found yet.  The young man has good insight.  I don’t call myself the Grey Wayfarer because it is just a fun persona. It is in many ways the philosophy of my life and one identity that seems to fit me with the expression as the motto of my life: “Not all who wander are lost”. It seems that my values involve a lot of searching and becoming something, but the one thing they do not involve is stagnancy or being unchanging.  For me change, and the chaos and joys that go with it, is becoming more of a desire than a fear.

The Grey is the thing that causes me to be stagnant at times, unchanging and that is the devil of it. The demon I understand.  It is why it is so important to force myself to change when I am depressed.  To keep doing something and keep walking through it is my therapy.

Perhaps that is why I write every single day.  Writing is a lot of things but I would never describe it as stagnant.  It is flowing and changing constantly. The creative process is like that. It is when I can’t write that I worry about me.

The point is also that the Nine Noble Virtues call one to improve and get better.  You can’t be a follower of the Nine without changing.  Every single one of them calls for change and so change is an essential part of my foundational philosophy.  The problem may be that some people in my life are too attached to where we are relationally, and to be in a relationship with me requires you to walk with me from time to time, and where I am is never the same.

I am sure there will be another The Grey and The Wayfarer post very soon.  Hopefully, it won’t fall on Tyr’s Day again.  But this week was some good insight into what makes me keep going because, as I will probably write next time, there are a lot of forces trying to compel me to quit and give up. The Grey is strong, but my desire for change is stronger so I keep walking and seeking what I am looking for.  I will know when I find it what it was.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Work Day/Rest Day Dichotomy” – A Skald’s Life – Business Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Wooden’s (Odin’s) Day

Journal Entry:

One significant change in my routines is the new work day/rest day dichotomy.  A work day is truly that – work from the beginning of the day to the end. A rest day routine truly leads to rest and recharge focus. that I need. Now that I have done it for a few weeks, I wish I had thought of this sooner.

The thing is I can work all day once I am in the mindset of working.  So it is much easier to carry that over into the rest of the day after I get out of work and do some work for myself like writing, personal business, and language study.

On the other hand, when I have a day off. I am in that mindset so activities that recharge my batteries and get me some rest work in that mindset.  The biggest change her is I am not trying to mix and match the day and it works much better.

Self-Reliance:

“Self-Reliance is the spirit of independence, which is achieved not only for the individual but also for the family, clan, tribe, and nation.”

Principle: To achieve and maintain personal independence and advocate for independence in my family, state and nation.

Goal:  Find a new, better paying job by September 2019.

Bucket List: To own and run my own successful business or company by March 2029.

The job search continues but at this point, I am expanding the search to where I am willing to work – anywhere in the United States.  I need to have something different before the summer is over.

The ultimate end is true self-reliance and I will be my own boss again.  If I ever fire myself at that point it will be because I have found someone to run the business that I trust or have enough money to sell it and actually ‘retire’.

Industriousness:

“Industriousness is the willingness to work hard, always striving for efficiency, as a joyous activity in itself”

Principle: Work with the enjoyment of work itself.

Goal: Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019 (achieved)

Bucket List: Write A Novel and Get it Published by March 2022.

Writing my novel is pretty regular these days. I have a The Rabyd Skald post coming up about it my writing so I will talk more about it then.

Hospitality:

“Hospitality is the willingness to share what one has with one’s fellows, especially when they are far from home.”

Principle: To share out of my abundance to help people where I can with their life’s journey.

Goal: By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.

Bucket List: To own my own home by March 2024.

I am not sure what type of group I want to be a part of but I know from a social interaction point of view I need it.  I just don’t feel comfortable doing that sort of thing where I live right now. Too many memories and people I no longer want to associate with.

Owning a home or at least be making payments in less than five years requires a new job so that comes first.

Higher Virtue – Justice:

I am trying to be just to myself these days.  It is something I work on.  I made my mistakes and some of them pretty big ones, but it’s in the past and I think I have paid the price for them so time to get moving.  The best way to be just to myself is to start treating myself to a little hospitality and working hard to be self-reliant.

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Blogging – Organize, revise, write a new post for the next day, 15 min. work on fiction.
  4. Weightlifting: Gym time – 1 hour after work.
  5. Writing: One Hour on top of the blogging routine each day. Alternate between Non-Fiction Book and Novel.
  6. Language Study: A half hour on Latin
  7. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, other actions, etc.
  8. Check Communications and Email after 2 pm but before 4 pm.
  9. Nutrition: Daily Carb Count – 2

It makes a day busy but also I feel productive which is a good honorable feeling at the end of the day.

Still walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Adjustments” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Starting next week I want to do what I did last week by taking each virtue and one of the Norse Pantheon to reflect that virtue and discuss more deeply the Virtue, its Principle, and the attached goal and bucket list item. I think this would be an interesting way to look at it for a period of three weeks.

For today though, and the rest of his week, I need to talk about a few things and mostly when it comes to the stuff below my journal entry it is a matter of adjustment.  Fine tuning things as I go into the July through September quarter of the year.  I think these things are going to go much better as my philosophy of life and spiritual viewpoint are starting to be clearer.  More solid.

Now, if I can just come up with a long term plan to deal with The Grey and all the triggers I have been running into these days, I might be a lot better off.  I still have seven of my nine goals for the year still on my plate and nine months to get them done.  Grey or No Grey, I need to move forward with my life.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

This is day 281 of this blog in a row.  I started it on October 1st, 2018.  To put this in perspective I have 84 days to go, less than three months and I will achieve the goal here.  It isn’t that far to go.

I want a job with enough disposable income to get my hiking gear and start gearing up to my hike in the UP during a vacation or something before 2024. A lot of my bucket list goals depend on something changing as far as my employment.   I need to focus on that from now until the end of September.  Hopefully, something will come up sooner than that.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

The bucket list is designed to be more long-term than the goals but one of the goals is to get one thing off that list each year. That way progress on my bucket list is ongoing. I am thinking the tattoo will be first.

There is only one major city in the world I have liked in my life when I was in it and that was Budapest, Hungary.  I want to go back.  So many of my bucket list items involve travel. Hmm. Wayfarer and travel, I wonder if there is a connection?

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I know what I am going to write and I know what the outline is because as a Chrisitan I used that outline several times.  Just now I am going at that same outline as a skeptic. The only thing I wrestle with regarding this book is so many of my friends and family are Christians and I know the contents of this book will upset them.

Latin in a couple years, the only thing is I feel sometimes a modern language might make me more employable, but I like the romance of learning Latin. Who knows maybe I will get this done quickly and move on to a Modern language after that.

Higher Virtue: Love:

It has been one of those weeks where the virtue of Love and I have had our struggles.  I am trying to figure out love these days more and more.  I am not having a lot of luck.  It is as a struggle because love has been both the best thing for me at times and also the worst.  It has to be one of the most dangerous things ever, if not properly handled.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Still a solid thing and now I do this routine a little less pressed for time by putting the blog post each day at 4 pm.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Blog Change I Have Been Meaning to Make” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

Hey, it’s been a while since I did a regular The Rabyd Skald post.  Unfortunately, the time of year is difficult so mostly it is The Grey and The Wayfarer when I do one of these.  But today if you are a regular you noticed that no post dropped at 9 am and that was no accident.  This a change I have been wanting to make which is to start dropping posts in the afternoon.

There many reasons for this:

  1. I often find myself rushing as I get ready to be at work and sometimes a post just needs a little more loving care before it drops, but I skip it so I can go to work and just let it drop. This will allow me time to do a little love editing on each of my children known as posts, and then they will be a little cleaner and better.
  2. Traffic for my posts is actually statistically better for posts I drop in the afternoon instead of the morning. I get more engagements at least.
  3. I would feel better if I gave every post one last look right before it drops which given my work schedule, the afternoon is the beat time to do this.

So starting today with this post, my posts will drop at 4 pm. The one exception is on Sun’s Day which will still be The Pagan Pulpit at 10 am.   The reason for that is personal – I used to start the service and preach in my former church at 10 am.  So I preach from a little different pulpit these days at the same time.  For you pagans out there that used to be Christians, it is probably better understood.  Kind of a middle finger to my former ‘friends’ of that church. Image may contain: 1 person, beard, text that says 'You don t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.' Fuck You Haters!!!

Other Writing Notes:

I know I have promised this before but more fiction posts are coming. The Rogue Wizard has been difficult to write at this moment for personal reasons as well. I am thinking it will be better after the summer is over or the next chapter is finished.  In that chapter I essentially destroying most of the visages of what was the past in that series idea and moving on.  It is hard to do from an emotional point of view.  Try destroying something you put a lot of love into so you can move on, and then tell me something about it.  Until then you don’t have a clue.

When I do start my short story writing I will probably be doing alternative and very adult versions of Grimm’s Fairy tales.  Poetry has been rough or the same reason as The Rogue Wizard.  Poems are very emotional for me and have an automatic connection with someone that I can no longer have contact with but the memories of them surface for me every time I write a poem. Fall I might be able to muster something.

I have another post I want to write about using Role Playing Games as an inspiration but I might do a series very similar or The Adventures of Ayn Jones.  Something I did a long time ago taking the character creation process of a Megatraveler Character and bringing it to life with a very complete backstory.  I might very well use Megatraveller again to do this because it is Science Fiction.

Well, that is all the writing notes for now.  Don’t be surprised if another The Grey and The Wayfarer drops soon.  When The Grey builds to a point I have to write about it to deal with it.

One last note, there will be no Odin’s Eye today.  I have a lot of refitting and resting to do before the next couple of weeks.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!