“Marriage Rights” – Freya’s Chambers – Equality

November 22, 2019November 22, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Discussion:

Disclaimer: The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues. If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss. Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some. I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Now, this is a pretty large umbrella and I first want to begin with the issue of what marriage is. While religious pundits would argue that it is an institution from God, I would argue that all religions seem to have it or something like it and some of these relationships predate some religions if archeology and scholarship are to be believed.

Marriage itself had always been a cultural l institution and it can be argued whether it is even a good one. As a libertarian, I question why it even needs to exist. There is nothing done in a marriage relationship that cannot be done without the marriage. In the end, it is about legal obligation and people want to put a romantic spin on it using either religion or calling it an expression of love. As if somehow by getting married you create some more love than already existed. I think there is a lot of nice touchy-feely to the idea of marriage that keeps wedding planners and officiants making money.

In any case, if we are going to have it I don’t know why the government is involved in the first place. Yes, it makes it legal but that could also be accomplished by two people going to a lawyer and hashing out a relationship contract. Does the marriage license simply do this in a faster convenient way? If so, I doubt the legalities would be considered equality from a sex point of view, particular in dower states where a woman basically gets half the guys stuff simply by saying ‘I do’ and not such condition exists the other way. The point is those that get married under a license, at least in the United States have conditions of that marriage that they would probably not like if they knew them.

Mostly though marriage survives because of shame and stigma when you are not in certain situations. The two biggest ones being that not being married is somehow odd and if a woman has a child out of wedlock. Practically, neither of these stigmas make any sense. As people recognize the bullshit of these stigmas, marriage is indeed taking a hit. I can speak from personal experience that no legal contract, rings or vows will keep you faithful and true nor does an increased level of love result from getting married.

But until marriage is seen for what it is we are going to have it and the state is going to get involved so how should they act when people who normally don’t get married want to do so. The secular answer is ‘equal protection’ not a restriction of rights. Justice is supposed to be blind, so she should not be able to judge through the lens of religious bias or social convention. She should not see that it is a couple of men or a couple of women or two men and one woman or one man and two women or any other relationship that people want to enter into. The issue is the protection of rights, not to control what marriage is defined as. That should be left to the people in that relationship; not the state, or even the church. Of course, if it were up to me, I would abolish marriage licenses and leave the definition of it to the people involved and if they want it to be a legal relationship – go see an attorney and draw up the contract. If you want a religious ceremony go see the officiant but the state in no way should be involved in the first place. In my mind, this is the only way to achieve equality. As long as the government is involved people can gain control and determine the definition of what marriage is. This is what causes inequality.

People will always try to control the government so they can control the agenda of marriage. The best way to avoid this is to give the government no power at all other than to enforce contracts, which it already has through the courts, and provide protection for the people who enter those relationships of their own free will in their own way.

My two cents.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Njord – God of Sea and Wind” (Asatru – Part 18) – The Pagan Pulpit

November 10, 2019November 10, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: Eivør Pálsdóttir: ‘Tròdlabùndin’

This live performance of this song is done in a fjord which is fitting given the god of the sea who was married to the goddess of the mountains – Skadi. Although they never really consummated their marriage.

Mediation:

This is still one of my favorite poems

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

As one would expect, the naval culture of the Vikings would have a god of the sea. Njord – god of wind, fire and the sea seems to be laking is stories but I imagine not in veneration in the old days of the Vikings. He is also one of Vanir hostages like Freya and Freyr who are his children. He was invoked probably regularly for fair weather and a fair journey and success every time the Vikings took to the sea for any reason.

The Geneology of the gods gets confusing sometimes but Njord’s first wife is either unnamed or Nerthus but she is only named in passing by a roman writer in the first century and doesn’t have any other source. We do know he did marry later Skadi from her choosing him by looking at his feet. The marriage was never happy or consummated however as the two are very different.

There really is a lack of worship in modern times of Njord. Probably due to ot the fact that far fewer people are people of the sea. Asatru gives him veneration but it seems almost casual even with our source Paxton. He is one of the gods, but his story is limited.

Of course, from a religious point of view, gods and goddesses tend to be popular when people live in their sphere of influence. Perhaps today you might see a pilot of a plane invoke Njord being the god of wind as well, but the sea-going sailors and raiders of old are long gone. There is really less reason to invoke him now. Unless you view him as a god of traveling in any other medium but land. Not a bad god, just not invoked as much because of the change in the world.

For me, Njord’s story is also light. The fact he was the guy with the most beautiful feet in Asgard says something and is reflected in his children as they are both considered young and beautiful. The marital problems are not anger based but the product of being two different people which I find interesting. Neither one could really get along in each other’s home so they part purely on practical grounds and remain good friends. A lesson that does spin around in my brain. Sometimes a match isn’t a good one and just needs to be recognized as such. Being a wayfarer myself, I would have little need myself to invoke him as I prefer my feet on solid ground.

At this point, I am leaving my consideration of the gods and goddesses in my continued learning about Asatru. There are many more I could do, but they are minor. I am now going to shift this series to Asatru practice and spiritual understanding.

Parting Thought:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Scattered Grey Showers” -The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 21

October 5, 2019October 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

Of course in the middle of the triumph of achieving a goal, The Grey would have to make an appearance and the problem is it is not one single thing causing the issue but several scattered showers of shit I would rather not deal with; but there it is. There have been all kinds of scattered Grey showers this week and I haven’t been able to control them all the time which has led to some sleepless nights and emotions that have been less than happy ones.

It actually started the day after I achieved my one-year blogging goal with the simple thought of – ‘yeah that’s great, but you still don’t have a better job yet.” I hate moments like that because they seem to take all the joy of succeeding at something away from me in a second. I shell up and just exist. I need a new job it’s true, but blogging every single day without fail is an achievement, I know and anyone who blogs knows it is. It’s just The Grey has a tendency to crop in after I have a high moment.

If this wasn’t enough, I am working one day and over the speakers, it becomes clear that they have at long last changed the loop of songs to something new. Cool right? Except that now twice a day it seems I hear the song I don’t want to hear. “All of Me” by John Legend. It’s not that I think it is a bad song, it’s damn skippy good. It is also connected emotionally to Miss Salty in a very strong way and then the whole memories shit of that relationship comes up and I want to cry. Yeah, 6’4″ 275 lbs. weightlifter crying at work. So The Grey kicks in as a protective measure and I try to ignore the song. But later catch me singing it and thinking about her. What the Fuck? This is why I avoid this song in the first place, and now I can’t avoid it at times.

So, I finally get a day off and I go to bed the night before and I have a dream. Yeah, it’s about The Dirty Pig. Nothing big or symbolic just him making fun of me and laughing. Him doing his thing of doing things for his own entertainment and throwing me under the bus to that end. I used to be able to control my dreams a little, but as I grow older that ability seems to be lost. I think I still have enough ability to keep the ‘night terrors’ I used to have a bay. If they come back, that will not be good.

I wake up and then I had to get up for a bit. Kind of alarmed my wife as it is unusual for me to let my insomnia get me out of bed. The whole extreme anger thing is high with him. Hard to control. But then there is my old friend/enemy – the Grey and I head back to bed and fall asleep.

My personality type makes me emotionally intelligent. Sometimes called ’empathic’ and it’s pretty high in me. The curse is that strong emotions in others or in songs or from my past experiences get supercharged because of it. The Grey has developed in me as a counter to that. When things get too negatively strong, it kicks in to keep me sane. Cool huh? But the downside is I don’t give a shit about anyone else in those moments. I have also noted that The Grey occurs more frequently when I am not taking care of myself as far as self-love. Loving myself keeps the emotional balance better, but I have to really work at that as it is much more natural to help other people than myself.

The other defense is introversion, but that isn’t good for me either. Part of self-love is receiving love and you can’t do that by yourself. This what led to the problems of last year. My wife was penciling me into her busy schedule and I wasn’t a priority. The church was taking a lot out of me and not giving much back in terms of emotional support and school wasn’t the outlet for my attention like it had been. Along comes Miss Salty who absolutely understood this and BAM – affair, breakup, getting fired, near divorce, life turned upside down.

The problem is I am absolutely terrified of letting someone else in right now. Miss Salty leaving me and The Dirty Pig betraying my trust and leading the other friends I had at the church to fire me have all given me current trust issues off the chart at times. I function all right with people, but let them into my life to love and be loved by them? – yeah, no thanks. Got my family, a couple close friends and that is it. My wife helps a lot, but we both have to work and she is extroverted so she has to get away from the apartment or she would go nuts. That leaves me alone.

The other downside is I get along better with women than men. Men are comrades in arms but it takes a self-confident guy to be a friend that I trust.. I always feel men are competing with me rather than trying to be a friend. If you are that insecure, yeah, I don’t like you; because I know you’re going to brag about shit in front of me and I don’t do that. I don’t need to because I am pretty secure in my masculinity. I don’t have to prove my manhood to anybody. Only one other guy on the planet gets that right now and that is why we are best friends. Most men can’t handle that so they shy away for me or our relationship is the joking sarcasm of guys doing the same job and dealing with the same shit.

So women are easier to get along with for me. You can imagine how this is a downside. Today in the western world, 1) showing a woman some attention, 2) understanding her emotions and 3) being self-confident in your own masculinity equals flirting. Like, it comes naturally to me and that has lead to being flirted with back in return more than once. Pre-affair this was just fun and a way to play around that broke up the monotony of life. Women made my life more bearable with this flirting with boundaries thing.

Post-affair? You draw your own conclusions but I have some women now that it is purely professional much like I act with guys. But my natural tendencies are still there and so subtle I don’t often realize I am doing it. Getting close to another woman as a friend is just difficult and undesirable given recent events.

So, I am left with my one friend who lives far away who thankfully calls me every few days to check on me and my wife. My wife and I get along and she now very much understands that you can’t just pencil me in to be my lover/friend. I have to be much higher on the priority list than that because I am high maintenance when it comes to internal emotions.

That’s the bitch about being INFJ. Perfect personality my ass. Yeah, from an external point of view, we function and don’t appear to need human interaction as much, we navigate emotional situations well outwardly and get along pretty much with anybody. The price tag of those positives is high internal emotional costs. We pay every part of that cost ourselves for the benefits others enjoy. No human is strong enough to take that all the time and so the trade-offs are: 1) We disappear for a while, 2) it gets to a point of overload, so we develop coping mechanisms (aka for me The Grey) or 3) Eventually we explode and do something tremendously stupid or risky. It’s a ticking time bomb that needs to have minutes added to the clock by #1 and 2 or #3 is inevitable.

On top of it all, today (October 5th, 2019) is the 25th anniversary of my father’s death. Yeah, that always is a grey shower no matter what I do. I still miss him.

But I keep walking. Ravens on my shoulder and wolves at my feet. My coat and cloak pulled tight against the storm. No rest for the weary or the wicked. The showers will eventually end and I will be that much stronger for walking through them.

Still Walking,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Frigg: Mother of Foresight”(Asatru – Part 12) – The Pagan Pulpit

September 29, 2019September 29, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “Prayer of Frigg” – Tjamtjala

Meditation:

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

Finally, we hit Frigg. Goddess of Love, Marriage, Fertility, Prosperity, Family, Civilization, Weavers, and Prophecy. Wife to Odin and mother of Baldur. Her appearances in the mythology are interesting in that she is an active player many times but her personality is never really developed leaving her with an air of mystery almost as mysterious as her husband. Frigg, however, is a powerful queen who acts when needed. Her loyalty and concern for her children – particularly Baldur is never questioned.

Of course, her lament for Baldur is more tragic because she foresaw his death but couldn’t stop it and then when the whole world wept for Baldur save, one so he remains in Helheim, becomes even sadder. Her ability to see the fates of each person does not help her and the tragedy of losing a child. It must have been a story to remind mere human mothers that even Frigg despite all her powers, lost a son and grieved for him.

To the followers of Asatru, Frigg is queen as much as Odin is king. She is venerated for many reasons but if one wants to understand Odin better one needs to understand Frigg and Frigg seems to be Odin’s center. His point zero, zero, zero if you will., It all starts and ends with her to him. They actually seem to love each other deeply although sexual fidelity is not required it seems, as both of them were known to have sex with others.

One of the cool things is that one ritual is mentioned, whether it is new or old I found it interesting. Of placing a large single candle central and then twelve candles in a circle around it. This is done to reflect Frigg’s twelve handmaidens or in some cases, as believed – her twelve different aspects. Either way, it demonstrates the complexity of a very mysterious and powerful goddess.

I find Frigg to be a puzzle that it is fun defining the edges of. I have used her in a story and made her a kind-hearted but powerful mother/wife figure. I find this female representation both appealing and powerful. The Nordic pantheon has a father figure in Odin that travels far and wide to protect what he cares for and a mother figure who protects hearth and home while he is away. They are never questioned when they sit together in their home. Definitely both strong feminine and masculine as a couple. She also has a strong story that emphasizes parental love.

Parting Thought:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Music – My Meaning Between Words (or How to Know the Real Me) ” – The Skald’s Lyre

September 21, 2019September 21, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

Discussion:

It has been a while since I have discussed music and its relationship to my life. I guess I would describe music as my meaning between words. I don’t actually perform music but have an uncanny ability to be listening to something and feeling what the artist is feeling very strongly. This also has to lead to sometimes shutting a song off and moving on because it is not what I actually feel, because it doesn’t resonate. When it does, then it becomes my meaning between words.

I guess the best way to show how important this is to tell you how you get to know the real me.

Firstly don’t expect me to jump up and down if you meet me. My trust level is pretty low of new people because of many painful experiences so I will speak in two languages to you at first – English and profanity (light). Over time you might graduate to harder profanity (fuck as a root word) and sarcasm. If this offends you were are done; if not then, this means I like you. It doesn’t mean we are friends, just I like you. If I add my fourth language – real shit, then you have become a 1st level friend. That’s it, don’t expect a huge fanfare about it.
If you want more than that, it is on you. Sorry, introverts have friends because someone came along and adopted them as friends. I am INFJ so understand my idealism about friendship is higher than the value I place on my relationship with my family. You want to know me better, it’s on you. I have to see you value friendship with me enough to make some sort of effort to reach out. Otherwise, as an introvert, I am happy to move along with my own company. I get along great with myself. This is the point where understanding me and friendship diverge. They become two different things. Friendship with me after this takes time and demonstration in action, not words. Getting to know me is actually easier and the more you do, the more it speeds up the friendship process.
To understand me completely as in my thoughts and feelings, don’t start with conversations with me, I am guarded as fuck in conversations and evasive as to my feelings and thoughts in that context. It takes a long time for me to open up to someone in conversation. First impressions of me are often off by quite a bit because I would just as soon move on from your presence as talk to you. If you meet me don’t think you know me. Observation and conversation will get you about 15-20 percent of the real me and only the parts I allow people to see.
Read what I write. INFJs pick an artistic outlet to express real thoughts and feelings and mine is writing. This blog is right now my main expression of thoughts and feelings and a person who reads this blog will get another 40-60% of me depending on whether or not you also know me where I live. I am pretty transparent here on The Grey Wayfarer so minimum if you live somewhere else in the world you would know about 40% of the real me by reading it. If you know me personally and read this blog you are going to get about 60-65% of me. The real me.
Ask what music I am listening to. This will give you an additional 10-15% because no matter what you learn from observing me and reading my writing, this fills a lot of the gaps. There are thoughts and feelings I cannot put into words but if you listen to the music I am listening to, you will get a little more of me. that will put you at 70-80% if you know me, read what I write and listen to the music I am listening to as well. At that point, you are on the fast track to becoming a member of my very small inner circle.
Getting to know the rest of me involves getting in that inner circle and that is where the friendship, and getting to know me, come back together. Inner circle people get to actually will hear more of the real me in conversations. That’s how you know you have arrived when how I talk to you starts to sounds more like this blog. At some point, you will be at about 90%.
The other ten percent requires a level of intimacy that few achieve. You have either known me for a very long time, are or were my lover at some level, or you are me. My personality is such that even with people I have considered friends all my life and even my wife I keep a few cards close to the vest. Very few get to see them. I would say only one person has gotten close to 100% and she is no longer part of my life except as a ghost.

People ask what about my wife at this point? My wife is a good woman and loves me very much. I love her but the struggle in our relationship is that she knows me pretty much by watching me, being my friend for a long period of time and being my lover. She is not a reader and our discussions of music involve musical taste not what we are listening to and why. This means two of the biggest avenues she could get to know me with better she does not utilize. My personality is such that because of this I get guarded even with her because of this. Note I am saying is mostly on me there, not her.

You would think after 30 years of marriage, I would be having open conversations with her about everything. Especially since we actually have on top of the length of the relationship, being lovers. But my INFJ guard is up with everyone including her and that is just how I am. Getting to know me requires effort, reading my writing and listening to my music. Otherwise, you could probably get to 80% otherwise at most, which is where sometimes I feel my relationship with my wife is most of the time. Recent events in the last couple of years still haunt my thoughts about our relationship making me still guarded. I may have had an affair, but that was symptomatic of many issues that existed in our marriage before that and we are still working through them.

So you can see where music fits as not the most important thing in my life but as something that is important and helpful in understanding me. Ity makes the difference between having a good understanding of me and a great one.

Playlist:

Wardruna and Aurora – ‘Helvegen’:

Disturbed – ‘Stricken’:

Five Finger Death Punch – ‘Wash It All Away’:

Three songs that resonate with me right now. Well, the first is representative of pagan music that I listen to and there are a lot of different groups and songs there. This is just the latest example.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Dealing with Ghosts” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 20

September 19, 2019September 19, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

I suppose it is a testimony to the effectiveness of the last four The Grey and The Wayfarer posts that I really have not had The Grey strong in my life for almost a month, until last week. The trigger is this poem I have been basically dismissing and setting aside for a month until this last week it started crystalizing fully in my mind and then it became a problem. It was bad enough for the last ten days or so for me to have a few minor moments with The Grey. Finally, last Sif’s Day I finalized the poem and published it and I do feel better. Below is the link:

“The Ghost of You” – Skald Tales and Poems – Poem

That said, the ghost of Miss Salty isn’t the only ghost I have been struggling with. I suppose when I look at what ghosts symbolize, it is unfinished business. I have a bit of that but also there is the aspect of someone dead to you either literally or figuratively. People who for whatever reason are no longer part of your life that still haunt you. Sometimes the haunting is good, sometimes bad.

Probably a good example of each is in order. The first is my father who died on October 5th, 1994. He was a great man and his funeral was one of the best attended I have ever seen in my life. Not a week goes by that I don’t think of him still. I have adapted to his absence but I have never gotten completely used to it. This time of year both mom and I are a little cranky because of it. The three musketeers (I was an only child) are still missing Porthos. His love of life was infectious and both mom and I have struggled with that ever since his death.

The other kind is best represented by the man known to me as The Dirty Pig. Probably because the real ghost of that is our friendship which, given all that has happened, was ultimately ghost-like the entire time. It was illusionary and only remained as long as there was some benefit in it for him. Real friends can’t be lost so what was revealed was a man who was a poser and a fraud. The Dirty Pig he is to me and will remain so until I am dead.

Sometimes things are also ghosts particularly relationships. My life as a pastor and my marriage before our almost divorce or both there to haunt me. The first becomes a ghost because I wasted a lot of time that I could have been enjoying life an building one. Doing something more useful than being a good storyteller, cut-rate counselor, and spiritual guru. I am now playing a colossal game of catchup when it comes to my finances being prepared for retirement. I counsel everyone who will listen to me to not go into the ministry. If you want to help people start a non-profit charity and run it yourself or go into counseling or some form of social work. Be a teacher. Do anything but a preacher or pastor.

My ‘former’ marriage and the combo of my wife and I being a pastor and pastor’s wife is also a ghost that haunts me. Mostly because inside my heart I am longing for something different now when it comes to my marriage and my wife wants to return to the way things were. If we stay together, neither of us is going to get what we want and that may still bring about our downfall. I don’t want that but I also don’t want to be miserable like before and so the tension between loving her and loving myself is very real. It is also not the only thing providing tension.

The other thing is this is now a mixed marriage as far as faith/spirituality and that is particularly stressful to both of us because our values are different now. They are also diverging more and more. I know if we had gotten divorced, my life would be different and the only thing holding me back with some of my desires is I chose to stay. I know what happened the last time I sacrificed my own happiness to make everyone else happy and it was pretty devastating to all involved. While I have no desire to have that happen again, I know this is kind of an Achilles’ Heal of mine and I don’t think it has been removed from how I function as a person. It is a ghost that hangs over me.

One other thing besides ghosts to talk about in this The Grey and The Wayfarer. That is the nature of The Grey itself which might be considered a large ghost if you look at it a certain way. A bit ago I asked myself the question of what exactly is The Grey? It is not raw depression that is for sure because I can shut off the negative emotions completely and I would still say I am in The Grey. Depression is a part of it but not the total of it. There is something else, and I am still thinking about it. I think though I would need counseling to get to the bottom of it completely. The one thing I am sure of is that the depressive elements are not the only thing going on here.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Behind Enemy Lines” – Rogue Wizard – The Fire of Fury – Part 11

September 4, 2019September 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Woden’s (Odin) Day

Rogue Wizard’s Journal: June 12, 2019

Wow, it has been a while since I have written in this journal. Mostly because it has been boring as shit. Sure there was an initial buzz after the Red Grove Tree was finally laid to rest in flames, but then the reports became dull. The fairie folk as predicted stopped fighting so hard for the salient that was trying to fight for the tree. The wizards for their part advanced into the grove only to find the tree burning in magical fire. It burned up quickly and a day later there was truly nothing left.

As far as the war went, the fae pulled back to a line they could defend better with fewer casualties. The wizards saw this and now that there was no strategic objective in the area, they sent many of their forces elsewhere. The line stabilized and then most of the fighting stopped in this area.

Lunette and I moved fully the House Venus Mansion. Lunette took the room next to mine, but mostly she just slept there. The rest of the time she was with me talking (yes, talking) or she would turn invisible, shrink down and fly out and do some recon work. For my part, I visited the Lioness when she was at the mansion or talked with Amber. I was keeping a very close eye on what was going on and my ‘allies’. I wasn’t going to be caught again unprepared.

Lunette’s recon trips brought back the information about how the lines had stabilized in the area. I also had committed a high crime in the faerie world, so there was a bounty on my head with them now. A rather large one. So I was behind enemy lines no matter where I was now. The search for me had all but disappeared because the mages had larger problems elsewhere.

I have spent the last few months doing one of the following. Reading and studying magical tomes and doing magical research. Talking with Lunette and Amber about the situation. Finishing up my political science degree. I received it in late May. Keeping up family appearances by visiting them once a week and calling them. They call me more than I call them.

Lunette didn’t just do recon trips all the time. She did set up a small alchemy station in my room. She did her own reading and research. She seems a little happier now. That kiss was the start of that but we haven’t done anything but hold hands since. She respects my mourning period for my wife and hasn’t pushed it. She seems very much interested in building our trust level.

Two days ago would have been my wife and I’s 30th anniversary. May 1st was the end of the six months, but I decided that it might be more appropriate for me to end this period of mourning on our anniversary itself. So two days ago. I opened a small chest that I have with stuff in it that reminds me of her. A few pictures of us, some jewelry, a negligee she used to wear. I laid it all out on the table in front of me. Tears were easy on this one.

I took off my wedding band and laid it in the negligee. I folded it around the band and then placed it back in the chest, I put the pictures and other jewelry on top, and closed the lid. I cast a protection spell on the chest. Only I or my immediate family could open it now. I set the chest near my reading chair. I cried myself to sleep that night and when I woke up I felt better. I felt at peace about the whole thing, my wife finally laid to rest in my heart.

Last night, Lunette was with me and she looked nervous. I asked her what was up and she said she wanted to respect that even though she knew I had laid my wife to rest, at last, she didn’t want to push our relationship. I asked her what kind of relationship she thought we could have and what kind of relationship did she want with me?

“I think I love you, Edward. For the first time, my lecherous pixie heart loves someone and I think it is you.”

“Love? I don’t know Lunette, is that even possible for your kind? Fidelity, particular sexual fidelity doesn’t seem to be your strong suit.”

“Would you demand sexual fidelity out of me? Do you still hold that morality?”

“Honestly, no. Fidelity has not much to do with sex if you ask me. It is far more important to be there for someone when they need you. To be in their corner even when they disappoint you. That’s real fidelity. Sex is a wonderful experience to be sure, but it is also just sex. I don’t want to sound like I am diminishing its importance, but fidelity is measured more when the chips are down and you need someone to watch your back, not on where you stick your dick or who you spread your legs too. I don’t think it is right to say you have some exclusive ownership to someone else’s sexuality, sounds kind of like a miniature form of slavery if you ask me now.”

“You maintained it with your wife, even after death.”

“Yes, but those were the vows I took, so I tried my level best to keep them. I never slept with any other females but you, Elpis and her. I loved Miss Salty too, but I never had sex with her although I can’t say the relationship didn’t have sexual elements to it, it certainly did. I came back to my wife so the vows we took were back in force. That said my dear, you might say I have come, in part, to the more fairy way of thinking about the subject of sex now. I am simply not a one-night stand kind of guy. I have to feel I have a relationship with a woman that is loving for me to make love to her. There is still a spiritual side to it to me, a magical side if you will, and it’s not just a physical humping in the dark thing to me.”

Lunette smiled and nodded.

“Edward, I know I have tricked you a couple times, do you trust me?”

“Hmm. I don’t know. You are a deceitful little spy these days. Good at it too. On what basis could you and I trust one another. I don’t know what side you are on right now. Like me, you are wanted by both sides.”

“There are three sides to this one Edward. There is also the side of peace and coexistence. Not just between fae and mage, but also with mundanes. ”

“You think the mundanes will be comfortable with creatures walking around that can kill them with a thought or spell or that are from their deepest nightmares?”

“No, not at first, but magic can be awakened in everyone. If that is so then, the idea of mundanes might be gone in time as well.”

She had a point, it was my turn to nod because this had been my working theory since high school.

“But to answer your question I am on the side of the survivors. I want you and me to survive. But if you need more proof of my loyalty to you: I swear by the memory of my mother and father and the Red Tree Grove, that I will guard and protect you Edward and I will be a supporter of you through all of your remaining life – My troth upon it.”

I sat in silence for a minute or two.

“Hmm, sounds like an oath. I guess I will say the same to you as it is only fair. My troth upon it.”

We sat and talked for a little while longer. Basically making sure we were on the same page and then both of us turned in for bed. Well, I thought that is what Lunette was doing. I was down to my underwear when a knock came at the door.

“Edward, it’s me again”

I threw my t-shirt back on and told her to come in. She was wearing a purple robe that was tied and went down to her mid-thigh.

“Edward isn’t it customary to seal oaths in some way?”

“Yes.”

Lunette pulled her robe back and let it fall to the floor, revealing her naked body.

“Once, a long time ago, I offered myself to you like this. You turned me down and told me to go home. I thought afterward that you were a strong man to do such a thing. Now, I offer myself to you again. Not as a star-struck teenage girl, but as a woman. A woman in love with you. A woman who wants to give her strength to you, and receive it in return.”

I stood dumb for a second. I remembered what she was talking about. I wasn’t ready for sex at the time so I turned her down. But now…

“Lunette, we were lovers once. It was about healing back then and lust, to be honest. But now, if you truly love me. Do what your heart says for you to do. I will do the same.”

This morning I have awoken to find myself lying next to a beautiful faerie woman. I can see her naked form laying sideways on the bed as she sleeps from my desk. Her wings are behind her and folded so I can’t see them. She is a vision of beauty and glowing in her own way. I feel the love I had for her once awakening in me again. Dormant but never gone. That’s just the way I am.

I don’t know what the future will bring, But, I know that Lunette will be back to back with me in the end. I can only hope we will remain survivors.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Taking A Few Deep Breaths” – The Rabyd Skald

August 31, 2019August 31, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

These last two weeks have been interesting and challenging. I was in the doctor’s office on Thursday and as always a little anxious. I was there for my routine checkup and consultation. But as I waited I did some thinking. I have had the following experiences this last couple of weeks.

I have had more denials from potential employers in the last ten days than in a couple months previously. It’s like all the applications I filed came back with nulls.
At my current employer, I was passed over for a job and it was given to someone with no experience whatsoever.
I have had another bout with The Grey and while it was not severe. The cause was known, however.
I have had a doctor’s appointment and while a lot of the news was good, there was some news that reminded me I am getting older. And that sucks by the way.
The End of August marks one year that my wife and I have been back together after our separation last summer and that has lead to some very reflective moments about my marriage.

This post is about taking a few deep breaths and looking at each of these a little reflectively and spiritually.

Deep Breath.

I guess I have to say the whole job situation has caused me to look at the basic fact that I have not really discovered what my new identity is. It is in-process both practically and spiritually and so there is that. Mostly though the practical concerns will start to become forefront issues in the next couple of months I don’t find something better. For now, though my meditations center on who am I?

Deep Breath.

The decision at work at first angered me and then I just felt disrespected. It was like really, could have slapped all of us from the department any harder, especially those of us that work hard over here and have management experience? Then I took a breath, realized that this is not my place, I am in my heart looking to move on to something better, so I might as well get about it.

Deep Breath.

My bought with The Grey recently was brought about by a song played on the radio at work. It was my song to Miss Salty and it triggered the whole mess of feelings involved in that. One thing they never seem to mention about being empathic is that emotions experienced in certain situations stay and lay dormant until something triggers them and then there you are all over again. Which triggers a whole lot of meditation on the problem. My most recent meditations have led me to a question: What exactly is The Grey?

Depression? It involves depression but there is that switch that goes off to protect me from the sadness so I feel nothing. In that state, am I depressed or something else entirely? I think I might have had an introspective moment because of this that might lead to an awakening. I hope so.

Deep Breath.

I took a lot of those deep breaths before I met my new doctor. I just passed 50 so the protocol becomes: ‘You need this test done, you need to start this medication as a diabetic.’ I am like – what is this malevolent magic that took place where all this was unnecessary at age 49 and 364 days but one day later, a whole list of evil fairies have comes and makes you vulnerable to a whole new crops of shit. I hope my new doctor is a good salesman and explains things well, because if you don’t sell me – Yeah, fuck that shit.

The problem is that all my health indicators indicate I am healthier than I was last year, but somehow my medicines need to be increased and new treatments engaged for possible problems down the road. I hate American medicine, they either engage in damage control after the fact or their definition of preventative medicine is purely put more pills in your body. Not my thoughts on how to approach my health.

Deep Breath.

I don’t take too much for granted when it regards my marriage. Our reconciliation is in truth a work in progress. I simply acknowledge here that It still might not work, something I started when we first decided to go down this path to my family and something I remind myself of right now. I want it very much to work, don’t get me wrong. But I also acknowledge the struggle in my heart between how much do I have to give up as far as my personal happiness to stay married? I shouldn’t be looking at it that way should I, but I am, and that is very troubling to me.

My wife and I have very different values now. That is basically because I ‘fuck it’ to my former faith and she has not. What is important to me is very different than what is important to her. And it is growing more divided.
Our goals are very different and trying to find common ground either involves a lot of compromises or straight up, from my perspective, me giving up a lot of my goals entirely. I am growing weary of having to give up what I desire simply to make my family and friends happy, and that is exactly the state of mind I was in that caused me to walk away a year ago. Not good.
I now know what aspects of a relationship with a woman I am missing and still desire. It creates a longing in my heart that I cannot seem to shake.

Deep Breath.

I think it is time to look within. Discover who I am again and out of that might flow a lot of answers. It is time to awaken and to take that first breath of who I am now. It is time to find that person and become them.

Deep Breath.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 3) – My Marriage – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 18

August 7, 2019August 8, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day.

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.

This is part three of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

Click Here for Part 2

An additional disclaimer might be necessary here – I am talking very openly about my feelings and struggles I have had and am having with my marriage. Two things: 1) My wife and I are in the process of rebuilding things and, given recent experience, are painfully aware of the weaknesses in our marriage. That said we are working on it but both of us are no longer naive enough to believe that things will always be cool without working on them. 2) I am not going to speak for my wife’s feelings on things currently. That would be rude and presumptuous on my part to do that, but I am going to be very open about mine. This is about sorting things out in my head, not looking for excuses or reason to call it quits. It is more an honest assessment of the situation, so I can move forward.

A little background. We have been married for 30 years now. It almost wasn’t 30 years. My wife and I have known each other since we were children, we dated on and off through middle school and high school. In early 1989, we got back together and in February of that same year, I proposed to her. We got married that June on the 10th. From that time on our life has been basically revolving around two things: 1) Our lives as a pastor and his wife and 2) Our children. We always talked early on about how we wanted a few kids early so later in life we could spend more time enjoying each other but life began and slowly these two things dominated our lives.

Through the years we were pastor and wife through four churches and we raised our kids. The last one graduated in 2011 and that is when the seeds of our troubles really began. Mostly, I guess my expectations that we would do more together felt a little short-changed. It was one of those moments when you are done focusing on the kids and you look at this person you have been with and go – who are you again? I would say to any couple that hits an empty nest stage, even if you think you are in good shape – go get a marriage check-up with a counselor. There are probably things that have been unsaid while you have been raising the kids that need to be said now as it turns back into the two of you.

For me, things started south at about the same time I started school in 2015. I know I wasn’t supported in that decision by my wife. It bothered me because I was facing the reality of the fact that the church was never going to support me so that retirement was an option. I was basically going to have to stay preaching until they put me in a box and to be honest, that image did not appeal to me. The thing is my wife and I had drifted by that point because even though the kids had grown up she kept injecting herself into their lives. At the time I felt that if I was a priority on my wife’s list it was down near the bottom and I didn’t feel at all supported as I tried to do something to make a better life for us now that the kids were gone.

Over the next three years, a gap began to develop between us. It became pretty much church, the kid’s life, and other small talk items. As someone who hates small talk, this began to drive me nuts. As early as 2016 I began to think about divorce because from my perspective it seemed our marriage worked great for her but it sucked for me. Throw in at that point a lost faith and frustration with the Dirty Pig and his control of the church and my mind is pretty much in a very dark place about the whole thing.

As I have said before in this series, my plan was to finish school, get a new job, resign from the church and file for divorce. I wasn’t going to provide a better life for someone who hadn’t been supportive and didn’t seem to care that from a financial point of view we were in the middle third quarter of our life and down by 35. Time to get off the bench and put up some financial offense. My view was if she wasn’t going help with that, I needed to either play on my own or find a new teammate.

My affair with Miss Salty accelerated my departure from the church and it also caused the troubles in our marriage to be brought to the forefront. My wife and I spent the next three months separated including our 29th anniversary. We had a couple conversations and the same problem presented itself from my end. I never fall out of love with a woman completely. That was true for my wife as well. I just didn’t feel at the time I had the right kind fo love. I felt also that my wife and I’s passive aggression had also hammered most of my love right out of me for her. I just could bring myself to love her the way a husband should love his wife. Plus all the practical concerns listed above.

I filed for divorce in middle June and given the 60-day waiting period before a hearing, we were slated lat August and that would have been that. It was an interesting test at times because when the severance was denied my letter written in response said that the main person they had hurt with that decision was not me but my wife who had to shoulder all the bills seeing I was not working. I had also wanted to give her some of the money to help her transition, but that was no longer an option. It demonstrates that I wasn’t out to hurt my wife in any way on this. I just wanted out of a relationship that at the time wasn’t very good for either of us.

Then Miss Salty left me for the last time and I found myself alone, again. People remarked later how quickly I made the decision to return to my wife. It was a 10 day or so wait. I remark back it only took Miss Salty about 3-5 days to get over dumping her fiance and moving on, so what is their point? My main concern was I knew that Miss Salty was no longer an option for me. My two choices: 1) go to something new or 2) try to fix things with my wife.

My decision to try to fix things with my wife was predicated on a few factors. 1) I would never be able to trust Miss Salty again with my heart, so that was done. 2) My children had remarked that I hadn’t really tried to fix things with their mother. True. (I want to give a shout out to my daughter if she reads this – a lot of your comments my dear were spot on – take a bow girl, you probably saved your parents’ marriage.) 3) There was that little bit of love for her left. That said, it was my wife’s reaction that ultimately made it work. For my kids’ sake, I contacted my wife and asked if we could try to work this out.

My wife listened to me and then she talked. She did something I didn’t expect. She forgave me. She also took responsibility for her part in all the crap that went on before. She didn’t tell me it was all my fault and she listened to my story and believed it. Long story short, we got back together, I canceled the divorce with like two days to spare and we took a mini-vacation where we spent a lot of time naked in bed talking and doing what married couples do when they’re naked in bed. We got counseling and moved into our own apartment on our own. It isn’t perfect, but we are working on it.

There is one element of church nonsense that happened during the whole thing I feel the need to address. When word got out one member of the church, Miss Salty’s aunt; she tried to contact my wife about what an evil person I was. How I had committed a felony, had a teenage girl problem, etc. My wife’s friend basically told my wife to tell her to shove off as a busybody and move along with the reconciliation. My wife was kinder than that but the basic advice was followed to tell people to mind their own business.

Later in counseling, our counselor made the simple observation that the affair was a typical one that had nothing to do with Miss Salty’s age, but our marriage being shitty. When a marriage doesn’t help the people in it, these things happen because you are vulnerable. For my part, I simply fell in love with someone who started to meet the needs I had that my wife was not meeting. That’s it. Anything else people want to think is Bull Shit.

If there is any possibility this still might not work, it lays with me and a few issues that are between us because of who we are:

I place a high value on my freedom to act as I see fit. I don’t like a constraint. I accept the few constraints that our marriage puts on us because it is a marriage, but outside that I want the freedom to do what I want and what is best for me. That could pull us in different directions.
Part of my problem related to this is that I tend to help others at the expense of myself. This leads to a building up of a deficit emotionally that eventually will blow up like a bomb. If someone doesn’t make a point to stop and ask me genuinely how I am, or as an INFJ I will go on my merry way on destruction. My wife has learned not to take my “I’m OKs” at face value which is good, but I still have to watch myself on this and on occasion do what is emotionally right for me even if it seems selfish to others.
My values are rapidly changing. My social mores are also changing. This means in our religiously mixed marriage, I a Deist/Pagan don’t see things as evil or sinful anymore. As a Christian she does and so compromise is definitely the order of the day. I measure things in terms of building virtue and benefit to each other, not avoiding what is wrong or bad. If our values get too far apart, our counselor said it could still be our marriage downfall.
Our compromises have to be genuine give and take. I call bullshit pretty quick if I don’t feel they are. Some things are still in tension because of this and it is going to take time to work them out. With our values, she and I have to really watch this because it is pretty significant if a couple values different things from one another. You can still love one another and the marriage can still fail because of this.
My Weaknesses are now pretty apparent. I miss certain things about another relationship that speaks to these weaknesses. I either have to go without or find alternatives. In some of these areas, there is no alternative so it becomes a major internal battle. I concede now that I could very well lose those battles. I’m am indeed vulnerable to these things.

I am not trying to create doubt here, but state the reality of where I am. I view marriage as a pagan would. In particular, the brand of paganism that renews vows every year. This forces you to be constantly working at it to make it mutually beneficial, rather than just taking it for granted as a lifetime commitment does. It is far more realistic in my opinion and the vows don’t set you up for failure.

That said, our vows are Chrisitan ones, so the basis for me is gone except for my commitment to the Asatru Virtue of Fidelity. I still honor the spirit of those vows for that alone and nothing else. That said, one aspect of Fidelity is loyalty to self. It is possible given our different faiths/values that loyalty to my marriage and loyalty to self might come into conflict. How I view the virtue of Fidelity is starting to solidify with self at the center and all my other relationships in a circle around it. If that circle is broken or weak in some spots, it needs to be addressed or changed but the center needs to always be strong.

One part to go and that will be me directly addressing some of the people I mentioned in this series so far. For now, know that my wife and I are good and we are working to be great.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Fantasy Hedge Nuptials” – The Skald’s Lyre

July 27, 2019July 27, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

Musical Journal:

I doubt anyone but a very few who have followed me for a long time would understand the meaning of both the image and the title of this post. Only one person, that I know of, knows the full meaning of what I am writing about and the songs I am about to select. Only one person knows why this is the day I choose to post them. Whether or not she even reads me anymore, I have no fucking clue. But if she does, here are my thoughts on a day that was supposed to be something but turned into nothing.

What I do know is that I have been either calm because I have been busy, but every time I have too much time to think about things, this comes up and the combination of sadness and rage begins. I handle it, of course, like I always do, but it means shutting down to the cold side. That is not the side I like very much. My other alternative is music. The problem is the songs I find in my memory or that I think revolve around this non-existent event that was supposed to be today. Only one-way then left to deal with it – write about it and get it out of my system.

Disclaimer: This is a raw one, so be advised. Although I might just post the songs and leave it at that. You know that is probably the best idea: Just a playlist this week. Make your own meaning out of it. Me – I am just trying to sing my way through The Grey. The one thing I will say is not every word of every song applies to how I feel about this whole thing, but there is some line in every song that does.

Playlist:

400LUX – Lorde:

All of Me – John Legend:

Familiar Taste of Poison – Halestorm:

Just Give Me a Reason – Pink:

Somebody That I Used to Know – Gotye:

Bonus Tracks:

Bad Romance – Lady Gaga:

Incomplete – Back Street Boys:

A toast then, to the fantasy hedge nuptials that never came to be. Too bad, because at least the music and poetry would have been epic.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

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