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“Meditations – Primary Identity: Writer” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / 2 Comments

Happy Mani’s Day

In the Last Rabyd Skald, I basically stated that I needed to probably do some meditations on who I am.  It is a question I have not been avoiding but struggling with since my departure from my former role as minister and Christian.  I would say the Chrisitan part being replaced by “Deistic Humanistic Pagan” has been pretty solid and that identity has not been hard to grab ahold of so much as the implications of that change are still something I am coming to terms with on a daily basis.  The real problem is my role as minister being replaced by what?

For a while, I have had this idea of being a business person of some sort and being a writer on the side.  It is a practical choice because money is a real thing that you need to live life. I also have to deal with the fact the ministry has left me broke and without any retirement to speak of, so there is a need to make some money to make up for that. But that is a rational decision and to be blunt only listens to one of my ravens – Reason.  What about Wisdom? It also brings up the question of will my wolves be satisfied with such a role? Will I truly be getting what I need or want?

So my meditations have turned inward.  What is the call of my heart and what is the course that is wisest as far as encompassing my whole being?

I have to give a shout out to a fellow blogger from the other side of the world (the internet is an amazing place isn’t it) who on my last post on this issue wrote that perhaps I should simply ask the universe and wait to see what happens. You can check her out at Myst Nokomis.  I know I have found her observations interesting and at times inspiring. She is actually a blogger that I read regularly.

My conception of what she said in my mind is a little different but I get what she means and so I said to myself.  “Perhaps it is time to just silence myself in meditation and listen.”

Oddly enough the first thought that struck me is one word “Writer”.  Now the trick to being open in meditation is not to recoil at the thoughts that come to mind.  I have often said I am a writer but I have always placed it secondary to what other things I am pursuing.  The thought I had in that meditation session was that perhaps I have this backward.  That ultimately I am a writer first and something else second to pay the bills.  That what I should be focusing on is my writing and then focussing on an occupation that is complementary to that. Something that harmonizes with being a writer, not making my writing harmonize with something else.  Writing becoming the melody of my life and what other things I do becoming harmony to use a musical analogy.

I think I might be on to something as this feeds my wolves and it seems a wiser course of action.  It still has rationality to it, because if end up doing something I hate, I will not make progress in it. Writing has always been a love and something I do to express myself fully.  People who meet me personally, never get the full story as I pull back into myself.  I have trust issues born from painful experiences.  When I write, that inhibition leaves. Like all INFJs it is my artistic/non-verbal way of expressing myself that is true.

The main issue then is to be about the business of being a writer and that involves a few things but most notably setting aside times to write above and beyond the blogging that are substantial  Like at least an hour or two a day. I guess what I should start to get in my mind is writing on this blog is kind of my writing warm-up.  Then its time to be working on some projects for publication.

I have long mentioned I am a big fan of the science fiction author Robert A. Heinlein.  In the book Grumbles from the Grave, a letter where he answered the question of why he wrote is preserved.  His three-fold answer was:

  1. Make Money
  2. Entertain Readers
  3. Make People Think

As I have meditated on this over the years in think he had the right of it.  The first priority of a writer is how to support himself and his family by writing, the other two are means to that because if no one likes what you write then they won’t buy it.  If they buy what you write you won’t really be impactful unless you throw something in that makes people think, it leads to long-term success.  This is the right priority, any other way is just high minded idealism that won’t amount to much in all three categories.

This change will require more meditation, but I think I am on the right path, it certain resonates with my wolves and ravens philosophy; better than some career, then a writing career as secondary.  I think this needs to be switched and then I can look at my identity from the proper perspective.

Just a blog note to end things: there will be a post later today for my serial: Space Tramp, but I might be doing these meditation posts in place of journal posts this week.  My identity has become an important issue and I want to make sure I get this right.  So you might see two posts today, Odin’s Day and Frigg and Freya’s Day.  One a post like this at 10 am and the other some fiction writing at 4 pm. At least for this week.  

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Happy Sif’s Day and Some Personal and Writing Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day

Sif: Gold-Haired Earth Goddess

After a week’s deliberation, I decided that from henceforth, Saturn’s Day will now be Sif’s Day.  I juggled Eostre and Idun in this spot but in the end, I think Thor’s wife, goddess of the land, earth, and harvest takes Saturn’s Place the best.  Her story in Norse mythology is the one where her hair is shaved off, presumably by Loki as a prank.  Thor threatens to hurt Loki repeatedly unless he fixes the problem.  Through a complex, multilayered scheme, Loki convinces the Dwarves to create living gold hair that when Sif places it on her head attaches itself and becomes her hair.

Other than that, Sif represents the fertility of the earth.  Something that is missing from the week with the current gods and goddesses.  As Thor’s wife, the rain – earth duo is in the days now.  I rejected Idun and Eostre in the end because they already have their time of the year all to themselves in many respects.  Sif represents the constant and continual bounty of the earth in all seasons.  With Sol, we have the bright sun goddess who is a beacon of life and truth.  With Frigg, we have hearth and home.  Freya gives us a passionate woman both in love and war.   The addition of Sif gives us the hard-working woman in the field. A welcome addition.

So. Happy Sif’s Day.

Personal Notes: 

This is not a The Grey and The Wayfarer post. But after writing my four-part series of getting things off my chest so to speak, I have felt much better.  I have thought of some of these things far less and seem to be moving on better. Perhaps the Storm is breaking and some sun is shining through at last.  Time to get moving.

My job search can be a little frustrating at times. I learned recently that most Human Resources jobs want certification.  No problem accept its another few months of time and a couple thousand dollars. So crossing that off at least for now, I have focused on Business, Education, and Government.

Business – I am moving my focus from human resources to retail as I actually not only have some education there as far as management but also experience both in retail and management but never at the same time. Mostly, business is attractive because I have 15-20 years left before age and retirement will start to kick my ass and I need to make as much money and put it aside as possible in that frame of time.  At the same time, the physical labor thing is going to be less and less of an option. Retail Business Management fits given experience and education.

Education – I could go to another state and teach.  Texas would let me start and then learn the education stuff as I go.  Mostly though I would be using it as a springboard for a masters’ degree and eventual doctorate. I would want to teach at the university level.

Government – Like it or not, I am adding this to the list because my Political Science degree gives me the most qualifications for government jobs. It is what the degree is actually designed for, so it is time to add it to the list.

One of the things I have done is to rewrite my Resume again. I eliminated, as much as possible, any references to my ministry career and my education for it. They are irrelevant to the jobs listed above.  I also have been removing anything that might give away my age. My experience listed will still make me older, but I want it to be, without lying, a little nebulous.

Writing Notes:

There is, of course, my other ‘career’ as a writer which I need to get more serious about.  So here is that list:

Blog: This personal blog needs to be kept up because it is simply good practice.

Blog Fiction: Last time I wrote about some fiction ideas I had floating, but there is some other fiction on this blog already that I need to address and make the previously mentioned ideas a little more concrete.

  1. The Grey Wayfarer (Serial) – I wrote this series when I first started this blog  It was a work of fantasy fiction with the same name as the blog.  That was confusing I am sure, but the reason I stopped writing it here was a realized it had potential to be one helluva novel.  So, I leave the five parts that exist as a teaser to a someday maybe finished work. I just felt the writing was that good and so was the concept.
  2. Rogue Wizard: The Fire of Fury –  There is a large part of me that senses the whole Hedge Wizard of Redberg / Rogue Wizard universe and storyline needs come to a complete end. I originally started the whole thing as a labor of love for Miss Salty and now she is gone out of my life.  The continuation based on it in this blog is difficult emotionally at best to write. Spoiler: It might be time for the whole thing to die. But it will die by my own hand and not just fade away unfinished. I have been sitting on Part 10 for months because emotionally it might be the last difficult thing to write with the whole saga. After that, it is simply a matter of killing off the main character. Me.
  3. ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ (adult version) – I have toyed with the idea of taking fairy tales and giving them a modern spin many times.  It would fit my short story or short fiction series niche.  Red Riding Hood, if you know the actual origin and symbolism is already a pretty adult tale, but I want to give it an urban fantasy truly adult feel.  Little Red wouldn’t be the only one but it is my favorite fairy tale and a good place to start.
  4. Tales of a Viking Muse (working title) – I mentioned this a couple days ago.  This will be my Viking Shieldmaiden Skald Muse.  I am using Dungeons and Dragons to flesh out the character and to create the backdrop world to an extent.  She will be a combination of a fighter/bard.
  5. ‘Space Tramp’ – Basically I am taking the advanced character generation system from MegaTraveller and doing a year by year full flesh out of the background of a character.  The challenge, of course, is the random nature of the generation process which will force me to in one year explain a near-death and another year take a pretty boring admin assignment and make an interesting story of it.  The character will be a free trader crewman of the merchant branch, so it should give him the freedom to move about as he sees fit.  It should be fun.

Non-Fiction Book: My book here is basically Life of Christ, but form a skeptics’ point of view. I taught the life of Christ as a pastor and instructor in the faith probably ten times. I am simply writing what would amount to a harmony of the gospels with a twist.  I am going to show even with four accounts, the gospels still are not compelling evidence to believe that the Life of Christ as presented in the Bible is a genuine story of any more historical value than Homer’s Illiad or the Tales of Gilgamesh.

Novel: Over the last few years the successful fantasy stories have been the epic ones from Game of Thrones, to Lord of the Rings, to Wheel of Time and Sword of Truth.  I don’t mind these but I enjoy more the stories that are a little more down to earth.  Five friends from a small village heading out into the unknown and finding an adventure.  No saving the world or correcting the imbalances in the powers of magic for the universe.  Just some friends finding themselves in a tough spot and fighting to get out of it.  That’s my novel. I am thinking of using National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) to fast forward its content by 50,000 words in November.

This is a lot of writing, but good writers write a lot and I want to be a good writer. So, raise a drinking horn to the challenge of making some changes in my writing with the goal of publication and making it my second and hopefully also paying career.  What you may see over the next couple of weeks is me trying to make progress on all of this. Hopefully, my muse will come alive and something will not only click but take off.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Purpose of Journal Posts” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day

Journal Entry:

As I return to my journal posts this week I am redefining their purpose ever so slightly. Mostly I want to write a little more broadly on this blog and there is only so much time in the week to do so.  So I think the best course of action at this time is to journal every other week.  This will also avoid a lot of repetitious writing but at the same time, I will also still be able to keep tabs on my progress on this journey we call life.  The purpose of these journal entries is for my benefit although I have had people say my thoughts reflect their own or benefit them in some way.

Basically now one week I will engage the Overall Virtue and Principle and the alternate week I will be looking at the Bucket List and Goals.  I will, of course, make a note of a goal or bucket list item when it gets crossed off. Weeks I am not journaling I will be writing on various topics or injecting a piece of fiction or poetry. The pattern is as follows.

Week 1 – Journal Posts (Virtue and Principle Focus)

Week 2 – Open Posts

Week 3 – Journal Posts (Bucket List and Goals Focus)

Week 4 – Open Posts

Repeat. Roughly then every month, things ill get covered and I feel that will be more than adequate.

I have changed my comment settings so that if you have a previously approved comment, you no longer have to wait for approval, so comment away if you have already done so.  I don’t know I may have to approve your next comment to do so.  This opens up the comment section quite a bit and that possibility gives me a little trepidation. Just a little note, all comments that WordPress filters as Spam will be disapproved.  No, I am not interested in what you are selling or promoting.  I am interested in real people who want to truly interact.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I must say after last week’s series of The Grey and The Wayfarer, I feel much better. It was good to get some things off my chest but also down for the record. My senes of honor is definitely a little higher as I seek to move on.  Lately, I have also kind of make it a point to tell people I appreciate them when I think of it as well.

Today will be Day 316 of my blog streak for the year.  That leaves 49 more days.  I now a new pair of hiking boots so My training walks can resume.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I am making every effort to do the right thing at the right time.  Currently, I am still looking for the job I want, but I decided to take an opportunity at my current job to improve my current situation while I continue to search.  It’s been a year and just getting back to maintaining life has been good, but now it is time to improve.

I had some unexpected expenses so my tattoo fund got emptied so we are back to square one, but with the new opportunity should come the ability to get that fund back up and build it faster.  It is the easiest thing on my bucket list to cross off – getting the tattoos.  So I will continue to focus on it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2021 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

Well, last week was definitely a week of being honest with myself.  Progress in that area was good and I feel that I am in a position to move forward.

This last 10 days or so have been a mess so getting back to discipline and routine is the first priority and with that comes the book writing and learning Latin.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Loving myself is a real challenge.  My last two addresses on Frigg and Freya’s Day were to the old me and the new. A lot of that was me transitioning from being a person who loves others to the expensive of himself into a person that loves themselves to the point they can love others effectively. It has been a hard lesson this past year of the consequences can be for me and others if I do not do this.  It has become imperative that I maintain love toward myself to keep walking.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create a Daily Log and To-Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

Yeah, I need to get on this again. The past ten days have been shit.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Finding a New Muse – Blog Notes” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Saturn’s Day

I know, right.  It’s a Rabyd Skald Post that isn’t The Grey and The Wayfarer and thus isn’t my soul bleeding all over the place. I had to write the most recent series, emotional baggage and all of it; but it has been an emotional roller coaster, and quite frankly I need to move on and this is me taking the first steps in that. Whenever I have turned a new corner, I have turned to writing to help me guide me on the path, and this time will be no exception.  This post is a discussion of an issue and some notes on the future of this blog and what you can expect to see.

The issue is the loss of my muse and the search for a new one.  I have had several muses over the years. All of them female. The first one was my first love. The second was a love for writing that I developed with my first blogs.  I kind of imagined her as a loving teacher standing over my shoulder. More recently I imagined her as one of my friends who argued with my internal editor a lot. My last one was Miss Salty and as you know she is now more of a ghost that haunts me rather than a muse these days. My wife has never acted as a muse for me because that is not the nature of our relationship. She inspires a lot of virtues in me, but not creativity. So I search for a new one.

This may actually be my first attempt at looking at spirituality from a pagan point of view to find a new muse. To find some inspiration in a spiritual idea to form into a lovely woman who will inspire me.  Why female? Because when all else has failed, when I think of the women who have inspired me over the years as a man, they all have that one quality that inspires my creativity – femininity itself.  The problem is all of them have had the weakness of being more of stay at home women who were never warriors and I think that is part of the issue. My muse needs to be a combination of a strong female warrior and a passionate creative lover. Freya personified but not Freya.  A shieldmaiden but also a skald in her own right. Femininity personified but Viking femininity.

See the source image

I think the first steps to this will be to make this blog take the Viking and Norse mythology theme it has more complete. One of the things I can do right away is the greeting is for each post.  You know, ‘Happy Saturn’s Day’ – except Saturn is a Roman god and actually presents the only real problem in this change. Sun’s Day becomes Sol’s Day and Moon’s Day becomes Mani’s Day.  But who to pick for Saturn’s replacement?  Well, let’s see. 1) all of these are Norse gods or goddesses. There are four Norse gods represented: Mani, Tyr, Odin, and Thor, each with their own day. There are three goddesses represented: Sol, Frigg, and Freya with Frigg and Freya sharing a day.  So I think it should be a goddess with her own day to balance things out.  But who to chose?  I guess I would accept suggestions, so let me know in the comments.  But in any case, I will make a decision by next week.

See the source image

Speaking of comments, I am going to do something brave.  I have decided to open up the comments to where if you are approved once then you don’t have to be approved again.  I am going to still monitor this closely because of past problems, but I think most of the people ho write comments can be trusted. Starting Sol’s Day you will be able to do this.  Don’t abuse the privilege, be kind to one another.

The other thing is the post-rotation and the one thing this last mini-series has taught me is that I could do the journal Posts every other week.  Thus I could open up every other week to write on other things. To do other series either fiction or non-fiction which does represent my style a little bit from All Things Rabyd.  In addition, Weekends have always been a bugaboo of what to do but a rotation where I post stuff on Saturday and the extra slot on Sol’s Day would be nice places for creative writing.

Ultimately, what I want is more flexibility in my weekly agenda, but at the same time some solid rotation that keeps me writing on different subjects and in different forms.  I will drop another The Rabyd Skald once I have made some final decisions.

I am looking at this as moving on. I need to move this blog from dealing with the past so much and talk more about my journey through life. My Pilgrimage. I hope some changes will help me do that.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

 

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 1) – The Breakup” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 16

/ Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Saturn’s Day

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised.  Mostly I feel the need to write this one and the three that will follow for therapeutic reasons.  This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time. 

Year Ago Retrospect will thave three parts:  The Breakup, The Church Nonsense, and Marriage.  I will also write a conclusion post on Frigg and Freya’s Day that is a message to a few people who I no longer have any other avenue to say something to if they read this series and hopefully some final direction for myself.  I am hoping these posts and writing about the events in them will give me some clarity of what to do now that it has been a year.  I knew The Grey would be strong this week, but so far it has been almost overwhelming so…

These will take the place of my normal journal posts this week because in a very real sense they are me journaling my feelings.  Today –  The Breakup.  Moon’s Day – The Church Nonsense.  Wooden’s Day – My Marriage. Frigg and Freya’s Day – Conclusion.  I apologize for any hard or difficult feelings this may cause. I have no doubt that this will cause some.

That said, I feel if I don’t do this, I am going to lose it with memories so strong right now.  The feelings they are causing are so difficult it is hard to keep it together. I need to write about this.  Why? Because it is time to get this out of my system because it is affecting me negatively.  Writing as therapy.  One other thing – please wait to read all the posts before passing complete judgment on me.  Here we go.

A year ago yesterday, my affair with Miss Salty ended with her breaking up with me and then pretty much blocking me on every social media avenue leaving me pretty much alone, lonely and bleeding from my soul. It has now been a year since I have had any sort of contact with her. Life in the Grey has been very difficult ever since.

To understand why this was so, I have to go back a some months before that, so today as a matter of therapeutic writing and to set my side of the story straight as far as I see it, I am going to recount the events of this relationship from roughy January of 2018 to the breakup and a little beyond.  I want to then end with the implications for me today, now that it is a year later.

It is hard to think of this but in January 2018 I was a respected minister of a small church.  That said I was struggling with my faith and had been in that state for several years.  My theological objections to Christianity were there and I was finding no answers and the fact that I was making a living doing something that was based on a faith I no longer had didn’t help my psyche. It was causing quite a crisis of conscience.  I was trying to preach my way back to faith, and it wasn’t working. Then my organist died.

This was significant because it marked the end of an era for my church.  Our pianist had died a couple years before and my main singer had died just a few months before the organist. With my long-time organist dead, there was nothing left in the music realm that I had started with nine years before.  We were also fairly good friends. I liked Jim and understood him and respected him.  I was grieving about it but no one was asking me how I was.

That is the peril of the modern ministry, you look after everyone else but no one looks after you. Into my grief walked Miss Salty. She had been a part of my church since October of 2017 when she left her home because it was an abusive environment. I had befriended her and was trying to counsel her through some issues.  When she saw my grief and depression she recognized it right away and asked me several times how I was doing.  It was honest and genuine and she really wanted to know. She was the only one asking me this genuinely.

At this time, it kind of took our friendship up a notch.  We began to talk a lot and I soon was very amazed at how open I was with her.  The more I got to know her, and she got to know me, the easier it was to talk to her.  I have never had a person get me so quickly and understand me so well that I have been that transparent.  Not even my wife.

I never believed in a soul mate before.  I always looked at relationships with people as something you had to work at because none of them were perfect. But my relationship with Miss Salty began to challenge that notion.  My own marriage at the time was hostile with that kind of passive aggression that makes things mostly unbearable. I had been going to school for three years by this time and my basic plan was to finish my degree, find a new job and then very seriously consider divorcing my wife because it wasn’t working.  If Miss Salty had not come along, I would probably have continued at the church and be finishing the divorce part of the plan right now.

I started to see Miss Salty not just as a friend but a confidant. She kept my secrets and me hers. Looking back my feelings of romantic love started in about late February 2018, a month after her 18th birthday.  I know what people think at this point, so let me stress this, her age didn’t factor in other than had she been under age my responses to some of the events that followed would have been different. I have far too much desire to keep my own freedom to break the law.

She was from the time my feelings started until the end of our affair a legal adult and I am very certain she had the capacity to understand what she was doing. She is smart and has enough life experience to know what people understand is right and wrong.  Our relationship started as a friendship and a damn good one.  The circumstances and our choices that followed led to what happened.  Two people in pain, drawing comfort from one another is how this started. Nothing more and nothing less.

I want to shorten this part of the story, but suffice it to say from February until late May my feelings of love grew for her.  I kept them to myself. I have never been good at starting romantic relationships.  According to her, she started feeling the same in late March.  She was going through a tough time then and I reached out to her and then as April and May went along we grew very close.  I went to her graduation and the day after she flat out asked me if I loved her. I wish she had never asked because I have this thing with telling the truth.

I said yes because it was true. It lasted a week before it came unglued in that neither one of us could take the pressure of trying to keep up the lies to cover this up. She told her aunt and I told my wife. My wife left and we separated. Two days later I was feeling I was going to go down hard, so I deliberately pushed her away to protect her from the fallout. She was smart enough to figure it out and a week later reached out to me saying she wanted to try again.

That week had some other shenanigans I need to talk about because they factor into the breakup later.  On that Monday I handed my original resignation to the church moderator (from now on referred to in these posts as The Dirty Pig) for him to read to the church. The Dirty Pig tried to lecture me; which rubbed me wrong, but he had been a friend for a long time, so I trusted him and handed him my church-key.  The day after Miss Salty and I split the first time he called me and asked me to change my resignation by removing the one sentence that confessed what I had done.

His reasons were that he didn’t want to start gossip in the church at that time and that he didn’t want to drag Miss Salty into this. In retrospect, he read me pretty well.  He knew I still genuinely loved my congregation and Miss Salty and he used both those things. He knew I trusted him and he used that against me as well.  I turned my revised resignation into him on Friday and probably within a half-hour, based on something Miss Salty told me, but she didn’t realize it was a clue to me figuring this out, the Dirty Pig calls her up and asks permission to tell the story. Miss Salty and I were not talking at the time because we had broken up, or The Dirty Pig would have never been able to pull what he did next off.

He reads my resignation and then tells the whole story. My revised resignation didn’t have a confession line anymore, so the whole thing made it look like I was hiding something.  I had planned on showing up the next Sunday to explain the situation myself,  but as I got the report of what happened, I knew that was no longer possible without causing the congregation some major pain.

I am going to stay with Miss Salty here and talk about the church thing in more detail later in my second post.  I have three things that cause The Grey Storm from this time period. The other two besides the breakup are the church issue and my marriage.  But the foremost is the breakup with Miss Salty.

We would date two more times. The second time was truly “let’s try this out”.  She broke up with me on the day I was returning from my friend’s house in Houston, TX in late June. She never gave me a reason that time, but I wrote about it on my blog at the time, because this time I wasn’t going to just suffer in silence.  She cut me off, but not completely as she kept one social media avenue open.

It was through this avenue that we restarted our friendship because both of us missed that.  The problem was staying just friends.  It was soon friends with benefits. Not the actual physical kind as this entire time we were separated by about 40 miles of distance with neither one of us having a transportation method to see each other.  Things might have turned out very differently if we had possessed this.  The one thing I expressed early on is that I loved her and I knew I couldn’t remain just friends. After a couple days she sends me a short video expressing that she still loved me too.

In late July, she did something I didn’t expect.  She asked me to marry her.  I haven’t mentioned this to anyone but my wife and our counselor until now. At least I don’t think I have, but it is probably time to do so. I said yes. A little untraditional but I was happy to accept because I was very much in love with her.  For the days leading up to the last breakup, I was never happier.  I have never felt like that before or since.  I finally got a job interview and things were looking up.

August 2nd, 2018 is a day I will not probably ever forget.   I got up and everything was normal in the sense that Miss Salty and I were loving and she even gave me a pep talk for my interview. I borrowed my mom’s car feeling on top of the world and I nailed the interview and got offered a job.  I felt great, better than I had in years.  I was finally taking the first steps to all that I wanted at the time.  On the way home, she texts me that we need to talk.  I knew something was wrong because the usual “I love you” was missing.

I had written on the subject of the Dirty Pig’s involvement in my firing and what I had ultimately discovered above a week before this on The Rabyd Microphone.  Miss Salty finally got to read it that day and she was upset.  I think she thought I was lying about some of it, but I wasn’t.  The hammer dropped.  We had talked the day before about her drama class and how she was a good actress, and I mentioned I would have liked to see that. That moment she told me that I already had seen her act.  That some of the things she had been doing with me were an act.  I told her I didn’t believe her and started to cry.  The conversation was one of me asking ‘why?’ through my tears and her going through a lot of reasons that didn’t make sense to me and still don’t.  I guess in retrospect I am just a stupid old man that fell in love with the wrong woman.

The problem for me now is I still have more questions than answers.  I don’t know whether she was genuine or not.  I know the next day she got high and drunk.  That is the actions of someone in love trying to forget it.  I know I cried for the next few days and felt very close to losing it. Like my sanity.  I suppose the spirit that would become The Grey Wayfarer was born at this time, and it kept me sane.  It also probably helped that a few days later on Facebook she had posted a picture of her holding hands with someone else.

The questions remain: 1) Did she love me or was it truly an act? 2) Is it possible that I loved her but she didn’t love me back?  She sure fooled me if that is the case.  3) What does this say about me now? 4) Will this scar in my heart ever heal?  Probably not completely.

It has been a year; I still struggle with this.  I suppose it is a testimony to the fact my love was genuine toward her and that makes me feel somewhat decent about the whole thing. I wasn’t acting or lying that was for sure.  I wrote once that maybe she was the smart one and did what needed to be done so neither of us would face the ire of our respective families. It would have been a hard relationship for those we love. But to be with one’s soul mate?  Maybe she was to me, but I wasn’t to her. I don’t know and it is this ignorance that haunts my thoughts.

All I know is my personality is such that I never truly fall out of love with any woman I have loved.  I just don’t seem to have the capacity to completely kill that love or even be angry at that woman.  Even with my wife, I never wished her ill or was angry enough to harm her.  It was this love for my wife, as small as it was that lead me to reach out to try to reconcile. But that is the story for another The Grey and The Wayfarer.  Until then maybe some of you that have taken the time to read all this can offer me some wisdom as to how to deal with my pain over this. I don’t believe time heals everything, I think this is one thing that will remain with me for the rest of my life.  But is there a better way to cope?

Yes. I know I am an idiot. But it is something I struggle with.  Miss Salty gave me a couple final instructions: 1) To try to find someone else and 2) focus on my writing.  In the end, the second one has led to this blog: The Grey Wayfarer. But, it also means that the memory of her haunts my steps every time I write.  I have lost something and I wander to find it and wonder if I ever will.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“April-June 2019 Assessment (Part One) ” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

I divide the years into quarters.  I don’t start with January but April because my birthday is in March and that month basically marks the end of the yearly cycle for me.  The issues are at present 1) a quarterly review of progress to see how I am progressing toward each goal I have and 2) developing and adjusting my routines to achieve them. This week will be about the assessment and next week would be about making changes.

Overall I have been doing OK.  I have completed 2 out of the nine yearly goals so far this year which is on pace to have all but one of them done by March of 2020.  Mostly to achieve these I have to have something either in my daily or weekly routines to make this work. That way there is something going on regularly to achieve said goals.

In the area of changes, I want to do the following after almost three months of doing things the way I am doing them currently.

  1. I want to make sure that my Goals are yearly things and my Bucket List Items are more long term.
  2. I want to move as many things from the Weekly Routine to the Daily as Possible.
  3. I want to also introduce a simple concept – days off are different than days I work. I want days off to still be restful but productive in certain ways.

I am going to evaluate my progress here with each goal or bucket list item as far as the last three months and suggest some changes for thought that I will make next week.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

My goal of writing on this blog every day for a year is going very well.  This post, in particular, will be posting day number 260.  This is a case of if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

I need to set a time stamp on the Hiking Pictured Rocks.  I am thinking perhaps in the next three years. So it would be by March 2022.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.

This goal of crossing something off my bucket list is coming along it won’t take long so another one that will happen this year.  It’s just a matter of time and I still have nine months.

I am thinking I can place my trip to Europe to retrace my ancestor’s steps under Fidelity with this goal and give them both the same time frame which would be by March 2029.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2020 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I need to make my writing time as regular as my blogging so I might just add it to right after my blogging time or maybe something like learning Latin in between as a break.  I need to move my writing from Weekly to daily. regardless of whether it is my non-fiction book or my novel.  I need to take my daily discipline of writing on this blog to writing in general.  If writing is going to be my second career, I need to make it a daily thing.

Latin is a bucket list goal with a year time limit, but I am thinking learning a language for the first time might take two years to be proficient. I struggle with this because learning a current spoken language would be more beneficial from a career standpoint but the bucket list is not about career.  It is about what I enjoy and want to do, so Latin it is.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Goals are about loving life. Enjoying it when you can.  So most of my goals here reflect that and I like all of them I just need to find better ways of achieving them.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

No changes here are proposed.  It is the one constant in my life right now.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Always Prepared” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

In my mind, one should always be prepared for a fight, but at the same time, hope one does not actually have to fight.  It is this be prepared for war, but enjoy the peace attitude that resonates in my soul when I see the sayings of warriors.  It is about being in a position of strength or power over the situation so you can steer it toward a peaceful end.  No matter what chaos may be around you; you are calm and prepared for the fight, but also work so that a fight never comes.

For me, this preparation starts with mindset. It here that all the virtues shine pretty brightly, but none brighter than Honor, Courage and Truth.  Honor, because without self-worth and a sense of inner value one does not have the basic foundation from which to fight.  Courage is the will to fight.  Truth is the reason to fight. The three of them represent my axe, my sword, and my spear.

This week I will be using my journal posts to check in on goals and my bucket list.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

When this post drops today, it will be day number 246 for The Grey Wayfarer. There are 119 left for the year cycle to be complete.  Next week I am going on a mini vacation with the wife for our anniversary so I need to use this week to write ahead a little bit so I don’t have to do very much writing on my vacation.

My hike remains a goal.  If I end up moving to another state, I will still have the goal of returning to the Upper Peninsula and doing the hike.  I really haven’t set a deadline on this and probably won’t until I have a better job from a financial point of view so I have some additional income to set aside for the hiking equipment I need.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.

I have a few bucket list items in sight and so one should meet this requirement goal requirement very soon. Budapest still remains as a bucket list item.  One of those long term things that I know will probably mark a different point in my life.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2020 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I started my non-fiction book but the basic way I write is that I focus on what I feel the inspiration to write on at the time.  So my novel has been getting the majority of the time but I do poke at this book a little. I need to probably put a little more effort into it.  Probably the best way to approach the non-fiction book and the novel is to make sure of the three days a week dedicated to writing at least one day gets dedicated to each and then have one flex day to work on what I feel inspired to work on.

Latin has been on the table a bit lately. I am trying to finish some other work first.

Higher Virtue: Love:

Love is at times far to complicated a virtue for me and other times it is clear and simple.  I simply don’t want to be without it in my life.  I draw a lot of strength from it and motivation.  I just wish it didn’t make you so vulnerable and thus hurt so much when it is cut off from you.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Stretching / Yoga
  6. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  7. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  8. Get Dressed for the Day

This week is all about the Routine. The morning routine is pretty solid but I want it all seven days complete this week.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Grey Wayfarer’s Creative Writing Rotation” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day

In this post, I want to lay out more specifically the rotation for my fiction writing regarding this blog in particular. My current work on my novel is something I will keep quiet and separate for obvious reasons, but this stuff is public and more about practice in writing than anything else.  I also have found some inspiration for other things.

The reason I write fiction is basically, it is far more therapeutic that even journaling. I tend to daydream a lot and writing fiction is what brings those dreams to life to a certain extent.  It is the first step in seeing what is my head becoming tangible.  In this process, I find a lot of peace and joy.  It has long been one of my main defenses against the Grey.

This blog has two canonized Serials: Rogue Wizard and The Grey Wayfarer Serial. I am not sure about the second, but the first is experiencing a renaissance in my mind.  It might take a bit to get this pattern rolling but Rogue Wizard will definitely be a part of it.  As for the Grey Wayfayer, I feel this is good but it is very hard to write because I focus on the quality of it so much. I probably just need to stop overthinking it.

There is a place for both short stories and poems her as well, I just have never really put much thought into what to write.  There are four canonized poems here so far and I have a few others floating in my head. Short stories are a little hard for me as I like details and longer story arcs but one thing I think would be a good exercise is to take fairy tales of old and give them a modern feel and perhaps take their lessons and modernize them.  Making children’s stories into adult stories is a fascination for me.

My daily blogging routine goes something like this.

  1. Review and place yesterday’s post(s) on a page
  2. Review today’s post(s) and give it a final edit
  3. Write and edit tomorrows post(s)
  4. Create the ‘bones’ for the post or posts to appear in two days – basically, outline and hunt down the featured image for it.
  5. Give 30 minutes to writing extras like The Rabyd Skald posts or creative writing

People ask me how long it takes to do this and it really depends on the writing and editing of tomorrow post. But I get up a 1 am usually for work and fit it all in before I leave for work at 2:45 am. This includes my morning routine first before blogging. Sometimes I have to spend the half-hour creative writing after I get home from work but for the most part, the regular blogging gets done in a little more than an hour.

I have been blogging so long I have learned the value of set form and rotation. I have also learned the value of keeping a notebook so I write thoughts and ideas down when I have them.  The outline of each post has been running in my head for a while before I actually sit down to write so they often write themselves.

What I need is a rotation of creative writing for the blog so that half hour stays on point and starts accomplishing something.  Firstly I think what should happen is that Rogue Wizard will be every other creative writing post.  I like this series and my ideas already have my alter ego well into spring. So what remains is the other stuff.

Proposed Rotation:

  1. Rogue Wizard
  2. A Poem
  3. Rogue Wizard
  4. The Grey Wayfarer (serial)
  5. Rogue Wizard
  6. Short Story
  7. Rogue Wizard
  8. Other series

Yes, I do have in mind another series, I am just not sure what yet.  Perhaps a Retelling of fairy tales with my style and adult viewpoint.  I have some time to think about it. That is the other thing.  I am setting a time limit for these creative writing posts to 2 or 3 days.  Two days for the poem and short story ones and three days for Rogue and the other two series.  This should keep me moving.

Don’t worry about my novel or my other book. I find myself using the extra time I have to work on both of them far more than scheduled at times. I am enjoying the novel in particular as right now it is all about world and character development. I just want to have some sense of order here so I get some creative writing practice with this stuff. Who knows, maybe it will become something that is more than that.

One more thing, I am moving Crossing Bifrost to Sunday afternoon.  I want The Skald’s Lyre to be my Saturn’s Day thing from now on.  Basically a double post on Sun’s Day with the occasional double of creative writing every two or three weekdays.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Writing Notes – Format Change, Plans, Etc.” – The Rabyd Skald

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Tyr’s Day

This post is one of those Rabyd Skald’s that is information about some format changes to the blog, a discussion of writing plans and a few other matters.

Blog Changes:

  1. The first thing I want to note is the format change for the posts. I have decided to move the specific title for the post to the front so you can see it first.  My hope is that you can see what the post is about and then you the reader will know better if you are interested in the topic or not. I think the problem is all the titles look alike in many ways so people just skip them.  Even the journal posts usually have some content in them that might be helpful to others.  I am just trying to set what that might be right up front so you as a reader can see it quickly.  Normally, for instance, this pot would have been the title:  The Rabyd Skald – “Writing Notes – Format Change, Plans, Etc.”.  I have simply changed that so it is flipped.
  2. I also am probably going to change the way I tag posts.  There are two issues here “Catagories’ and ‘Tags’. In the case of categories, I have always been of the philosophy to categorize a post as much as possible. That way if a post addresses a topic, it is covered; or if I want to look at the history I have with a topic I can find all posts relating to it quickly. Categories are my filing system along with pages and subpages. I haven’t really how to consider Tagging posts by contrast and I think I am going to start heading in the direction of getting to the core of what a post is about.  That way when a search engine looks for a topic it finds my post based on the core issue it addresses.  There will thus be far fewer tags than categories.
  3. I am considering breaking up the Pagan Pulpit a bit. Mostly I miss talking about music exclusively. I have other posts to talk about poetry and such so I might take out the poetry and music parts from the pulpit and create a separate post for them each week.  This would leave the meditations, text/sermon, parting thought and a few announcements for the pulpit and maybe one song to be a theme setter.  I am thinking a post series called The Skald’s Lyre might be good to discuss music. For poetry I have my own for my poems, I also want to discuss other people’s poems that enjoy so a new post title might be needed there too.  You might see this as early as this coming weekend.
  4. I am working on the next edition of the Rogue Wizard and given that school is over this might be more frequent so you might see it more along with some other fiction.  At least for the summer, this should be true.
  5. One other note on this blog.  I heading in the direction that this blog will be rated ‘older teen’ to ‘young adult’ as far as content.  That is not to say that all the posts will have such content, just that it is a possibility. This means basically there might be few posts about adult subjects and images that contain what would be considered violent or with partial nudity in the theatre. My purpose is not to set up a porn site or anything, just be very real at times when it comes to the subjects of violence, nudity, sexuality, etc. If you’re offended by images of violence and/or nude images of women’s boobs and men and women’s backsides; I am just warning you that you might run into one from time to time.  You have been warned.

Writing Plans:

I have picked the topic for my first non-fiction book and my novel has its basic outline and theme.  The only thing left is to start writing. I want to use this summer to get off to a good start with both. The non-fiction book is heading in the direction of a book about The Bible. I am looking at a subject from my new frame of mind and I think it has the potential to make people think and maybe make some money using my expertise in Bible and Theology.  The novel is going to be the kind of story I want to read.  A sword and sorcery tale at the low to medium power level.  It should be fun to write this novel.

Summer Plans:

My other plans for summer are to do some enjoyable research into Norse Mythology and Viking Culture, look and find a better job using my new degree and consider where I want to go with my education next.  I want to to do some walking and maybe a short day hike or two as well. Just solidifying my routines and moving forward with my life.

Final Note:

With school done for the most part and me being allowed to take a deep breath, I am feeling fairly positive about my future at this point. I still struggle with some things but who doesn’t.  Mostly I just want a fresh start at this point.  A new path to wander and explore.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues – The Scholarly Warrior

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Moon’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

My foundational image of myself remains the warrior scholar or the scholarly warrior.  I don’t fight actual physical battles but I understand the connection between courage and fighting for one’s ideals.  To be honorable, courageous and truthful requires a mindset of war and intelligence.

These virtues along with Love the Higher Virtue provide the core of my being of which the other virtues endeavor to express in other ways,  This role of being the man who fights for what he believes in has never really left me despite my inner struggles and personal failures.

The real question these days is approaching the subject of what to fight for as my mindset and world view has changed quite a bit.  It is something I still search for and hopefully, the answers will be forthcoming very soon.  In the meantime, I am the searching wandering warrior looking for truth.

Honor:

“Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

The blog streak will be 218 straight days with this post.  I also know with this being the last day of school I might get back to writing more fiction as I look for a better job. My hiking will also start in earnest pretty soon,  All preparation for the future with my Hike in the north.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation.

Every payday and my tattoo gets closer to being a reality.  If that happens bucket list item achieved. It does not mean I won’t continue to work toward more bucket list items, it is just a goal that will be set and then reset. Budapest still is on my mind.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness to be honest and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Be Honest, and Speak Truth to Myself and Others.  To Be Silent in the presence of Fools.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Learn Latin by March 31st, 2020 to the point I can take a test and show my self proficient.

I have my subject and working title for my non-fiction book.  I am just waiting for school to end to really get started. The same goes for Latin as I have the tools and the need is more to set up a lesson plan for myself and start working it.

Higher Virtue: Love:

It comes down to what I love and am passionate about.  That said sometimes you have to do the hard work of love and keep at it despite a lack of feelings. Discipline is as much a part of love as Courage.

Morning Routine:

  1. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  2. Meditation – 3 min.
  3. Check Communications and Email.
  4. Paper Journal: Create Daily Log and To Do List.
  5. Breakfast, Medications, and Supplements.
  6. Shower and Personal Hygiene
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

Getting better.  I am just going to be glad when the internship and school are fully done so I can concentrate on getting fully on track.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!