“Nine Shields – Part 1” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

In the next five weeks, I will be reconsidering the nine noble virtues, the principles that guild my practice of them. my goals, my bucket list, and my routines. This will all end at the end of March which then will be the restart for my 52nd. yar of life. March 18th is my birthday so at that point I will be looking at what is next.

I want to look at the Nine Noble Virtues as my nine shields that protect my life this time around.  Nine Virtues; Nine Shields. All of them protect various aspects of my life when exercised effectively. Once protected then I am free to move forward.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

Honor remains the most difficult virtue for me. I still struggle wot find some value in my life at times. So many things and people  I want in it are missing. I have struggles finding my way sometimes when it comes to honor. I suppose there are moments in life where I  feel honored.  I just wish that more times I felt that coming from within than without. I know that this would protect me from my most dangerous enemy – myself.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I can see the shield fo courage in the corner. I know what I need to do and it means taking that shield up and moving forward. I just struggle with getting up and going once more into the fight again. It’s a good shield but it means nothing unless I use it.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

Truth is my favorite shield but it is also a bugger to carry.  You want to put it down all the time because it can be so heavy. Yet nothing protects one better than the truth.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I wrote on love yesterday and used up most of my emotional capacity on it then.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

Solid.  I need to do it more.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Love Hurts” – Of Wolves and Ravens – Love

Happy Mani’s Day

Discussion:

The one thing when you are young they never really seem to tell you is how much love hurts.  It almost seems like everyone else who has felt this simply waits until you experience love hurting before they talk to you about it.  It’s like you simply can’t relate or understand until it happens. They are probably right.

I never have felt something so wonderful as love and at the same time so devastating as when it is gone as love. I should probably clarify, what is devastating is loving someone else but them not feeling the same in return. The lack of reciprocity of love is the hard part and what makes it hard is your love for the other person is still there.  Full strength kick in the balls doesn’t; begin to describe the emotional pain here.

So why do we do it?  Because on the flip side, there is nothing that will make you motivated to move mountains and try to conquer the world for someone like love. The moments I have felt the best in my life have been when I have been in love and knew the other person loved me. But I now recognize this is not enough.  Love without honor, courage, and truth will fail too.

To the Wolves and Ravens:

“Feed the Wolves, but Listen to the Ravens first.”

Needs (Geri):

My need is for love with all these qualities is pretty high.  I have very high expectations from love because it has taken me to great heights.  Perhaps I am being romantic about it but my need for love is the kind of love that is openly honest and takes risks because the reward for those risks is so high. The greatest risk I think at times is to love yourself but also the most needed.  It is the one need I feel is the most unmet in my life.

Wants (Freki):

I want to feel as good loving myself as I do when I love another. I don’t; recall this being a thing too often in my life. But when it has been there, I have been better than ever.  Add it to a time when I have loved another and those are the moments of my life so rare that count them as my greatest moments.

Reason (Huginn):

I suppose someone will call out the cold side of reason when it comes to love, but I don’t work that way. Considering love rationally, one needs to find those moments of a love of self and another to the point they happen more often.  Rationally these are the mountaintops of life.  I jsut have never been able to find them rationally.  I have to follow my instincts and my heart but I don’t trust people enough to do this.  I trust my instincts, it is just people who have a way of being unfaithful in the end that my instincts and empathy seem to miss.  I assume truth instead of lies.  I assume courage instead of cowardice. I assume honor instead of dishonor. It is these assumptions that have made me look like an ass more than once. No matter how rational I try to be, when I am in love and feel love, my brain takes a holiday and I assume the best and often get the worst.

Wisdom (Muninn):

I question my wisdom when it comes to love all the time. Give me a problem to solve and I am there in full force.  Give me a feeling like love to sort out and I find myself whimpering in the corner more often than not. Wisdom strives for balance and I can never seem to find it. io am all in or all out when it comes to love. There seem to be no in-between stages or degrees.  Love, therefore makes me a fool.  EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.

Conclusion:

I wish I had something more positive to say.  I love to be in love but the downside causes me to shy away. To play it safe.  But that doesn’t; help me and it certainly leads to a life that hurts in other ways. I want to break this cycle.  I am just unsure as to how to do it.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Religion, Sex, and Deconversion” – Freya’s Chambers – Sex

 

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

When I was a person of faith and religion, sex was an uncomfortable topic for me and those around me.  Mostly because there is this whole notion of sin that is injected into the picture. Plus there was a lot of shame associated with being found to have a sexual attitude that differed from the acceptable norm.  Certainly, my sexual education really didn’t have a chance to get anything factual unless it was by accident. Being the rebel I have always been when it comes to social mores, I found myself at odd on the subject of sex and nudity in the Christian context more than once. The real issue for Christians is keeping the desire for sex inside their so-called god-given boundaries. That being one man, one woman in marriage for life. This avoids the deadly sin of Lust.

When I realized that the whole sin thing was made up, this caused me to change my attitudes about sexuality quite a bit.  Mostly things get really basic as I think that the whole ideas of faith and religion actually complicate the matter of sex quite a bit. In religion, everyone argues nuances to see how far they can push their own sexual proclivities. The discussion, if it is had at all, is one of arguing small details of ‘how far is too far’.  I mean it really comes down to looking at each sexual issue and asking does the Bible or the religion allow it?  In my own faith, the issues of masturbation and whether in marriage oral sex, anal sex and BDSM were allowed. The one thing for sure was no one is allowed to think for themselves on the subject.

See the source image

This leads to all kinds of secret behavior that in many ways is far more erotic, unsafe and in many ways weirder than outside the church when it comes to sex. The most common being that religious teens are often told little about birth control if at all, but sooner or later the young couple gets alone and things happen. Unwanted teenage pregnancies anyone?  Not to mention that while abortions are opposed by Christians, the people who actually get them the most, probably because of the unwanted pregnancies, are Christians.

See the source image

If only birth control were taught in a proper manner, then fewer of these abortions would take place.  But that is the kind of logic that religion causes you to not even consider.  Sex before marriage is a sin and so is abortion.  You don’t need birth control because its a sin to have sex before your married and you will thus never need an abortion.  If only human behavior conformed so nicely into such black and white terms.

See the source image

This, of course, leads to the hypocrisy of the public maintenance of certain standards while at the same time privately not even at times being remotely close to those standards.  Divorce, infidelity, and abortion are higher among the religious than the irreligious and I understand now why.  There is an incredible power to guilt to keep control but at the same time, such guilt produces curiosity.

See the source image

I experienced this over and over myself as people would tell me such and such behavior was harmful and then I would start thinking about the behavior and why it was harmful.  Sooner or later I would engage the behavior and then discover it wasn’t that harmful – let’s just say if masturbation makes you blind, I should have been sightless a long time ago. If there is some physical malady that arises from watching or looking at porn, yeah, I would have that too.  So far all I could say was I developed a lot of guilt for nothing.

See the source image

Since deconverting, I have no hell to worry about, no wrath of a god that doesn’t exist.  The guilt aspect has diminished quite a bit.  Sex has become a part of life, nothing more or less.  Much more rationally approached.  I enjoy making love to my wife; we have a good time.  but, I don’t get guilty about it when I find myself sexually attracted to other females though – it’s normal.  What I do consider is consent, safety, and maturity which includes societal consequences.  In the case of my wife – fidelity as a virtue is actually much more important than it was as a believer.  Because I don’t assume it anymore and look at it as something to strengthen and improve because that is what you do with virtues.

See the source image

I personally am much more open to a polyamorous relationship, but my wife is not, so I honor that and respect it as long as we continue to choose to be together.  Because all those vows made before God, don’t mean shit to me anymore.  My religion was discarded a long time ago and with it the attitudes it has concerning sex and marriage.   What matters is fidelity and honor. For those, I stay true but rationally realistic about my own sexual desires.  I see religion colors the lenses so badly, it leads to more trouble than it is worth.

My Two Cents,

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Last Week of Open Discussion – Part 1” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

Wow. Amazing sometimes how an image will trigger shit.  This microphone image, for instance, triggers a time where one of my old now-deleted blogs was my forum and it was probably my most popular blog, mostly because it was so raw. The Rabyd Microphone will live in my memory as a time where I was hurting very badly and let everyone know it. I seem better now, but at the same time, I have toned it down a bit which means I keep some things in, which is not good. Something I am going to write on for tomorrow’s Odin’s Eye.

Looking at the calendar, I want to time my routine discussion for the last full week of March before I launch some new goals and change some of my bucket lists. Because of this, I have this week as more of an open discussion on what the changes might be before I begin the more detailed ones starting next week.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I see no need to change the virtue or its principle here.  That has never been the struggle with honor.  Honor itself is a struggle of high difficulty all its own. it is having that feeling of value in yourself and recognizing it in others that is the challenge.  This has always been about being honorable by habit.

My goal here was to blog each day for a whole year with the desire that the blog would be an honorable expression of my life and goal achieved but now I continue the streak and we passed 500 days a long time ago. Now, I look for a goal that allows me to start honoring my commitments to myself. So now the issue is moving from being a blogger to a committed writer.  This is a commitment I want to honor to myself. What that goal will specifically be I don’t know quite yet, but it will involve honoring myself by being committed to being what I want to be.

The bucket list item will remain as it is.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

Honestly, I don’t see any changes here at all.  I want to keep the crossing one thing off my bucket list every year thing anyway and it is a goal that reflects courage.  The only question I have for next year is whether to up the stakes and make it crossing off two things instead of one.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

Once again the Virtue and the Principle are solid.  The goal is probably the one that will not happen because I really need to change this to reflect more of a writing habit than a specific end goal.  Or that the end goal is to have a habit of writing.  if I focus both my goals in Honor and Truth to this end I might see better results.  The bucket list item is already behind by a few books because I have trouble with my routines.  Not that they are bad routines or take a long time.  It is just right now my battle with my depression triggers is a losing one.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I know what I need to do right now, my depression is keeping me from doing it because I am once again in this battle between doing what is best for myself and what will not hurt others. I don’t like hurting others because it depresses me, but if I don’t act soon in love toward myself, that will continue to depress me.  The solution is to make the decision to love me and then walk through the emotions of others because that is the quickest and easiest way to feeling better overall.  I just hesitate every goddam time. I don’t like making others uncomfortable. I feel that shit and I don’t want to feel it.  But I also don’t like feeling like shit because I am not doing what I want to do either. One of these has to give or the problem will continue.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

Like I said – this routine is good and would help me battle my depression. I just need more of the Virtue of Discipline in my life. right now and get past my feeling on it.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Happy Valentine’s Day” – Freya’s Chambers – Sex

Happy Frigg and Freya’s Day!

Disclaimer:  The topics covered in Freya’s Chambers include serious discussions of sex, sexuality and related issues.  If it isn’t your thing; you can move along, otherwise enjoy and feel free to discuss.  Given the nature of some subjects be prepared for nude images as there may be some.  I avoid genitalia as a general rule but is not always possible.

Discussion:

See the source image

Just a short post here on Valentine’s Day wishing you and your significant other(s) a happy Valentine’s Day.  Have a romantic and sexy time. May your breath be taken away in more ways than one. 🙂

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Looking Forward” – A Skald’s Life – Foundational Virtues

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

Before I get back into the cycle of Virtues, Principles. Goals, Bucket List and Routines that I do, I must address a few sundry issues.  the most notable of these is that the purpose of all this is to keep myself grounded in the now, learning from the past and looking to the horizon. Mostly I am now aware that my 51st year of life is drawing to a close and the goals need to be set for 52. This process starts now with a lot of meditation and thinking about what is best for me.

Like an ancient sailor, one can set a goal for a certain place, but the wind and sea require one to be flexible about the execution of how exactly that is achieved.  Life does not always cooperate with ones’ goals. Mostly the next year will be about the following:

  1. Developing the habits of a writer
  2. Launching a better supporting career
  3. To start crossing off more and more bucket list items.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

As I look at what is crossed off here this was about taking stock of myself to maintain a progress toward honor. I am thinking that next year’s goals will involve blogging as well – maintain the habit.  but also coming to terms with my new YouTube channel being a new pulpit for myself.  Being an honorable social media personality might be the issue here.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

My goal here will be much the same I think.  But might raise the stakes and require two things to be crossed off my bucket list instead of just one.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

This is the most likely goal to fail this year so I might simply renew it with some changes.  Like, make it more basic – Write a full book this year instead. I want to learn from my struggles as a writer this year in order not to struggle next year as much.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I think I am about to make a decision that will be a major victory for me learning to love myself. The downside is there is no way to not to probably get some pushback from others who love me but won’t like what I have decided.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

The changes here reflect what will happen when I am at the 6-3 schedule.  This week and next I am going back and forth from 4-1 and 6-3 so this becomes more negotiable between the old routines and the new.   Good thing, as I am working on a lot of changes.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Good, The Bad and The Grey” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 28

Happy Mani’s Day!

Introduction:

Yes, I know this is another week without a proper “Of Wolves and Ravens” post Yes, I also know this is two weeks in a row of “The Grey and The Wayfarer” after like a month and a half of nothing before that. Just imagine me like Odin sitting on my throne and brooding at the things that trigger my depression and realize that there are about three things right now that are doing it. My Ravens are tired of cawing in my ears and my wolves are hungry for relief which makes them irritable and aggressive, and that leads me to a situation where despite good things happening and bad things happening, I don’t give a shit either way.  That my friends is what ‘The Grey’ is in a nutshell and what it does to my life.

The Good:

A lot of good things have been happening:

  1. I got promoted at work and that translates into more responsibility, more hours and a pay raise which translates into more money.
  2. I am expecting my fifth grandchild and my second grandson and the first grandson with the Raby last name. Lucas Edward Raby will add another fine strong name to the family tree.
  3. Speaking of family trees, mine on ancestory.com is growing and I am getting it more and more fleshed out.  My roots are a tangled mess at times but I can’t say they are not strong ones.
  4. I have made a more final decision about my career long term and I think it is a solid and good one.

The Bad:

  1. My wife’s best friend was involved in a car accident that nearly killed her and has left her in a very critical state.  So much so this weekend my wife headed own to see her in the hospital. I didn’t have to work this weekend except for one day, but it meant I was home alone for a couple days with nothing really to do.
  2. Right now social media is risky, I keep seeing Miss Salty’s name not only in reactions to memories Facebook gives me, but also she is in the comments a lot. This, of course, gets me to thinking about her a lot more.
  3. The weather has turned grey with snow and cold.  I am so over it.  Ice in my veins and all, my joints don’t take the cold as well as they used to and the lack of sunshine depresses me.

The Grey:

  1. The temptation level to alleviate the stress of all this has not overwhelmed me but it has caused me to shell up.  I have to shut down my emotions right now a lot or my empathy and desires will get the best of me. My wolves don’t like this.  My ravens see it as a necessary evil.
  2. I miss having a person in my life who understands this as part fo who I am and my way of thinking/feeling and who could get through it and make me feel human again. I had that a couple years ago with Miss Salty and that thought bothers me too.  What was it about that trainwreck of a relationship that made The Grey seem so weak and distant?

Conclusion:

Whatever it was, it is gone now.  I am left like a brooding god sitting on his throne wishing he didn’t have the gift of foresight and could enjoy the good things that are happening more and could empathize about the bad.  I just can’t do either.  It hurts too much either way so I walk The Grey instead.  I can only hope this storm passes soon.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Revising My Routines” – A Skald’s Life – Self Virtues

Happy Sif’s Day. 

Journal Entry:

Sometimes life forces change and with my routines, a new job with a new schedule is going to force some changes in my routines.  Other changes were already being thought about because if I put things in front of other things that are more habit then I tend to do that and the thing that is a habit as well.  The idea is that in particular by putting my daily reading before writing on for my Blog, the reading will get done as will the blog.  It’s an experiment that happens to work for me.

The other change is now the daily word count for writing will be 1000 words until I get consistent with that and then I will raise the word count upwards as things get easier. I need to jsut be doing it every day and then expanding it to the point fo maximizing the word count without exhausting myself as a writer or person.  Blogging itself has to actually be done in such a way that I am two days ahead fo myself.  revising the psot for the next day and writing the one for the day after that.

The Morning. Work and Rest Routines have worked far better than any other method I have used.  The difference now is creating an option on the morning routine for exercise at the gym on workdays and taking a morning walk on rest days.  Moving from 3/4 time to full time means five workdays and 2 rest days on average per week.  My daily schedule as a department manager also changes from 4am to 1pm to 6 am to 3 pm.

After consideration of all these factors, the routines I have been following are revised as follows:

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  3. Meditation – 5 min.
  4. Check Communications and Email.
  5. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  6. Work Days: Dress in Gym Clothes: Go to Gym – Weightlifting / Exercise
  7. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Get Dressed for the Day
  8. Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  9. Rest Days – Morning Walk (weather permitting)

Work Day Routine:

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Writing: 1000 words/day.
  6. Personal Business: record financial transactions, savings plan actions, budgeting, appointments, job search, other actions, etc.
  7. Check Communications and Email after 4 pm but before 6 pm.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

Discipline:

“Discipline is the willingness to be hard on oneself first and then if needed help with the development with others, so that greater purposes may be achieved.”

Principle: Apply discipline to every aspect of life that it can be applied.

Goal: To be following a full Paleo Diet by March 31, 2020.

Bucket List: Do a rebellious act on April 30th, 2020 – Beltane.

Discipline and Routine go hand in hand,  Most of the whole issue of my routines is about living the Virtue of Discipline.

Perseverance:

“Perseverance is the ability to stand up and return from defeat and failure”

Principle: Keep getting up after every defeat or failure.

Goal: To engage in an exercise program that involves weightlifting, hiking/walking, and stretching/ yoga an average of three days a week from April 1st, 2019 to March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: To get at least one tattoo by March 18th, 2020.

The real trick at this point it to persevere in my routines. That every failure in them; not only do I get up from, but that learn from those failures so I have them less often.

Fidelity:

“Fidelity is the will to be loyal to one’s moral philosophy, to one’s family, one’s friends, and most important to one’s self, and loyalty to one’s friends is valued as highly as loyalty to one’s family.”

Principle: Be loyal to those who have been loyal to me.

Goal: Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation (achieved)

Bucket List: Discover all the countries of origin from my genetics and visit them all by March 18th, 2029.

I need to perceive of following these routines as being faithful to myself.  Being Loyal to myself involves achieving my goals and seeing items checked off the bucket list.  Routine and Fidelity to myself need to be a part of my mediation for a while until it becomes a constant thought and later a habit.

Higher Virtue – Wisdom:

Wisdom is always an application thing.  In this case, I have a lot of experience now in revising my routines as the situation calls for it.  This was not catastrophic change and I think they might actually help out much better. Long term it might reveal the wisdom of making exercise a part of my morning routine regardless of schedule.  24-hour access gyms are good for that.

Rest Day Routine: 

  1. Morning Routine
  2. Wife: Communication / Cuddle Time
  3. Reading – 1/7th of a book
  4. Blogging – Organize, revise, post for the next day.  Write a new post for two days out.
  5. Cleaning – varies but one room of the apartment at least.
  6. Writing – 1000 Words

New and revised, like all the rest – next week will be a good test for all of them.

Goals and Bucket List Items Achieved (Since Summer 2018):

Goals Achieved: 6

  1. Graduated College with a BS in Political Science and minors in Economics and International Business – December 2018
  2. Finalize last requirements for my degree – Internship by May 2019 – May 2019
  3. Celebrate my wife and I’s 30th anniversary (June 10th, 2019) with a mini-vacation – June 2019
  4. Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).
  5. By March 31st of 2020, to be the leader/participant in a group of some kind.
  6. Find a new, better paying job by March 2020.

Bucket List Items Achieved: 0

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Everyday Discipline” – A Skald’s Life- Foundational Virtues

Happy Tyr’s Day

Journal Entry:

This week I am both talking about my Routines and trying to get back on track with them starting with my Morning Routine which represents the daily discipline of my life.  The every day self-discipline of taking control of some basic things including my thoughts and feelings is what I am doing here.

What you see mostly with my morning routine is taking control of my thoughts and feelings and learning to control what I  feel and think.  There is also the basic physical discipline of stretching to wake up my body.  It’s organizing my day in my head and then beginning to execute that plan in my life.

Honor:

Honor is the feeling of inner value and worth from which one knows that one is noble of being, and the desire to show respect for this quality when it is found in the world”

Principle – To possess a feeling of inner value about myself and my future with a desire to find the same in others.

Goal: Maintain a daily blog streak of one post per day for an entire year (365 days).  (achieved)

Bucket List: Hike the Northern Lakeshore Trail along the Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan by March 2024.

I have a real love-hate relationship with honor these days, there are places where honor is present in my life and others where I would just soon challenge certain people to a good old fashion Viking duel to settle the question.

Courage:

“Courage is the bravery to do what is right always.”

Principle – Act with Courage at the right time.

Goal: Cross one thing off bucket list every year. Deadline March 31st.

Bucket List: Go Back to Budapest, Hungary for a vacation by March 2029.

I would say that the most likely candidate for my bucket list item here remains to get my tattoo which crosses off a goal and a bucket list item at the same time.  recently I engaged my courage with work and I think it paid off.  I will probably know for sure by the next ‘A Skald’s Life’ post.

Truth:

“Truth is the willingness, to be honest, and to say what one knows to be true and right. It is often better to not say anything at all if one cannot be honest.”

Principle – To Honestly Pursue, Accept and Speak Truth to All who will Listen.

Goal: To Write a Non-Fiction Book by March 31st, 2020

Bucket List: Read 52 books (one per week) in the year 2020.

I need to catch up on my reading of books and probably this means a few novels because they go faster for me. non-ficiton books take longer because I try to think through them while I read them. Writing the non-fiction book is going to require some work as I keep shifting from one idea to another. I think my Youtube channel has become the living expression of the principle here.

Higher Virtue: Love:

I hate it when to love means you have to make choices of priority in that love.  I have to love myself first.  This has become clear if I want to be happy. This means other relationships do have a priority order but at the top is me and it has to be me.

Morning Routine:

  1. Stretching / Yoga
  2. Shower, Personal Hygiene, Breakfast, Morning Meds.
  3. Review Nine Noble Virtues (NNV), Principles, Goals and Bucket List
  4. Meditation – 5 min.
  5. Check Communications and Email.
  6. Paper Journal: Update To-Do List.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day

The routine works when it is done.  I have a problem being consistent with it and I am thinking that tomorrow I will start working on it and it alone for a couple days until the next A Skald’s  Life.  The issue is I want this to be a habit.  The habit of being my thoughts under my mastery.  This is going to take some months of being consistent to do this. This needs to be the focus in the coming year.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Heritage, The Grey, and Dried Salt” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 27

Happy Mani’s Day:

I should be happy with my life right now, but I struggle with it.  Things are getting better for my life all the time, but I feel something is missing in my life. Now those of you of faith need to understand this has been going on for a while and it isn’t the result of losing my faith as it precedes this.  Jesus never filled this supposed hole in my heart as much as I preached it was so.  Before I lost my faith in Christianity, it was this thing known as The Grey that was like clouds over who I was that indicated to me that I was missing something.

Heritage:

I have been studying my family history to see if there is anything in it that might indicate why this is so. I mean there are signs you can see in people by where they lived when they got married, the number of children, divorce, and death in a lineage that can tell you if things were rough or smooth for that person.  My continued use of Ancestory has proven to me that stories can be written and my lineage is varied but readable.

Some highlights:

  1. My father’s biological parents were people who eventually abandoned him.  His father because he was a drunk and his mother who knew she couldn’t afford him and his siblings.  The Bauman and Hole families are those legacies. The first family stretches back to Germany; the second is Dutch and Irish. I only know all this now because I discovered my biological grandmother’s (who I did meet while she was alive) maiden name and that opened the door to who she was married to and their parents. My grandfather was a drunk by all accounts and my grandmother found herself alone and on the streets.  She gave up my father for adoption.  She would go on to divorce two husbands and finally find a man who treated her well.
  2. This biological lineage has highlights but is noted most for its many marriages, divorces, and remarriages even at times when divorce was only allowed for infidelity indicating that infidelity was present. But also some of these remarriages are because a woman or man would watch their spouse die of some disease. There is a lot of sorrow on this side of the tree inflicted by the world and by self. I can see it and I don’t even know many details.
  3. My mother’s side of the family is far easier and better documented. It is a story of successful farmers, pioneers, and colonists. Most notably the Ackley’s who came from England to settle in the British Connecticut Colonies in the 1600s.  Many of them originally from Weymouth England and London.  They ended up coming further and further west until they settled in the Kalamazoo and Portage area of Michigan.
  4. Of course, my mother’s mom is even simpler and shorter.  The came from the Netherlands.  Like the whole family just picked up and left the Groningen area of the northern Netherlands.  My great grandparents and their parents all at the same time just got on a boat and came to America in the 1890s. They settled in Michigan and the rest is a short but powerful history of a family of Dutch Reformed people doing well in their new land.

So does heritage being this split have an effect on me? I guess I will wait for the DNA test results, to clear up the few loose ends that remain.  But right now the fact all of this is clearer should be something I am enjoying but other things seem to be pulling me into the Grey.

Depression: 

I believe part of it is where I live.  It has been mostly overcast and dreary this winter and that is never good for anyone with depression. I have been getting more concerned about my finances but it looks like a new job in my current company might help alleviate that short term for a bit anyway. My car and I went into the ditch and it is developing mechanical problems since.  I may need a ‘new’ one.  Life is intruding a lot right now and that triggers depression even if it is good.

Family trigger warning: Reading further might be a little too troubling for family members.  I am simply trying to get some things clearer in my mind and I find writing them and posting them does this, so hang on from here down. 

My marriage has definitely improved, but for me, there is still a lot missing and no matter how I try to fight it, I am becoming more restless every single day. The one thing for sure is whatever is missing, this improvement hasn’t fixed it, at least for me. I feel very much like I am giving up what I want to make my family happy at this point. I know what I want to do but I am fairly sure there will be a lot of pushback. This struggle, of course, causes The Grey.  That and thoughts returning from a lost love.

Dried Salt:

Miss Salty returned to mind due to posting a Facebook memory only to find her reaction to it with her name attached.  I guess feelings about her have solidified to a point.  I miss her; I care about her still, but I still wouldn’t trust her.  I know that sounds stupid probably, but the pain of this is still not gone.  I was looking at some old poems about her on this blog and the feelings are still there when I read them.  Although. I did manage to get through John Legend’s – ‘All of Me’ without crying once or shutting it off to avoid crying. She still haunts me like a ghost.

I avoid any sort of news about her, I haven’t even looked at her social media pages since June of 2019. I intentionally try to not think of her at times but she seems to come back in my thoughts more than I would like. WTF?  I should be a lot wiser from this whole situation but I miss that feeling I had and wonder if I can get it back. It is not happening with my marriage, improved though it is.

I guess I cling to this because, for a few months in 2018, I didn’t feel like something was missing.  This bothers me.  What was it that made me feel like I wasn’t missing something, because this relationship with Miss Salty, in the final analysis, was a shitshow?  How did this rollercoaster of an affair make me feel whole for once? For the first time, there was light in The Grey and I want to know what was it about this relationship that did that?  Can I get it back some other way?  All these questions are just made to order triggers for The Grey. I guess I have something to talk about with my therapist.

Walking the Grey:

True to form, Perseverance kicks in and no matter how I feel, I keep walking. I remain The Grey Wayfarer. Ravens of reason and wisdom overhead while following the wolves of what I need and want.  I search for the missing thing that will make me whole once again. Finding this wholeness is a large driving force and motivation in my life right now.  I walk the Grey because this is so worth it to me, I will walk in sadness for the rest of my life to find it.  Succeed or fail, it is worth that much to me.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!