Perhaps I Still am The Grey Wayfarer after All.

Happy Mani’s Day!

I have been gone a while – again. But I guess, in some regards, success of a limited kind lulled me into a false sense of security. But Yesterday hit me with a lot of sudden anxiety and the depression that follows. It’s been building, but I have always, until now, been able to ignore it or put it on hold, so to speak. The Grey has long been my relabeling of a condition that I possess, which is this mixture of anxiety and depression that I seem always to be walking through and battling. Thus, the blog name: The Grey Wayfarer.

These last few months, I have felt really good in many ways. My YouTube Channel, The Rabyd Atheist, has actually developed into a supportive community and is doing well, but it could be doing better. I have almost given up on getting a promotion at work. And have, for the first time, explored my options for other employment, and it doesn’t look good. I really have put myself in a position, if I want to stay close to my family, of making writing and YouTube work along with my job. It is just that I feel a low level of anxiety about the whole thing.

Picture, if you will, a man clad in grey walking through a forest. He is accompanied by his wolves and ravens. The rain is pouring down in that way that creates gloom, and the forest shadows cause a lot of anxiety. Despite the ravens, some things still hide from view. The rain washes away the scent of danger, so the wolves cannot anticipate what’s next as the patter of the rain disguises sounds as well. The path gets flooded, and so at the various forks in the road, it is hard to see which is the best route. The Man is not lost, but conflicted. His lack of information and foresight is blinding his one eye. His own foresight sees only possibilities but not certainty.

Some of you may recognize the other part of The Grey Wayfarer – My identification in spirit with the wandering god, Odin the All-Father. But the analogy is fitting in many ways. Odin’s reputation is mixed. He is not always the good guy. Nor is he bad. Depending on who you talk to, I am a hero or a villain. I accept this; it is life. For the longest time, my wolves have been a reflection of my needs and desires and my hunger for them to be fulfilled. My ravens – reason and wisdom. My path – the Nine Noble Virtues. As a Wayfarer, minimalism is my habit. One’s pack cannot be too heavy. My one eye remains because I sacrificed my old life of religion, faith, and all the BS that comes with it, to find a truer sight in my mind and heart. The one eye I have left seeks love, wisdom, and justice. But confound it, the rain and gloom are making all of this hard.

I never know precisely what will trip me over back into this, and perhaps it has been long in coming. Autistic Masking has been my trouble, and I think I have been masking my own emotions from myself. Is that possible?

But yesterday, I found myself spending the day alone and hating every moment of it. I then tried to do laundry, and my car wouldn’t start. I think the battery has finally started to lose the battle of keeping a charge. My son jumped me, so it started, and for a while was fine. Until I had to go to work, then it did it again. So I had to call into work, and I really can’t afford to do that. And then, as I went back inside, planning to get a new battery somehow, I tripped. I fell into a state of anxiety I haven’t felt in a long time. My stoic philosophy was saying “control what you can control,” but the emotions of looking at my car troubles, being alone to face them, and looking at the financial issues of my life right now, and I tripped and fell, and when I got up, The Grey was there, and I stood there wondering what to do. Anxiety about the future mixed with that low, gloomy depression was a state I thought long forgotten.

As I write this, I look at the clock and realize I was there for roughly five hours – I took a nap (not the restful kind), tried unsuccessfully to be creative, sat staring at a screen, and doomscrolling. Then doing nothing at all. And then it hit me. I have been pretending that I finally got out of The Grey to the point that I have not been doing the things I need to do to walk successfully through it. I labelled it as something of my past and not the present. It’s a horrible mistake to think things are all right when they are not.

I forgot a simple truth – depression and anxiety are something you can manage but can never cure. I will always be The Grey Wayfarer. I have to remember this to survive.

Let’s picture our hero in his gloomy, rainy forest once again. He is standing. No progress is being made. Stagnation. But then he takes a step and then another. There is something I have learned in all the walking I have done. Something I need to get back to once the temperatures get regularly above freezing. There is a moment when you are motivated to keep walking and cannot, for the life of you, figure out where the motivation comes from. It’s raw humanity that is, in many ways, undescribable. I feel like I am at that moment.

So I take a step and another. I don’t really care what th path is, just that I am moving down it once again.

The one thing that is for sure is…

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

“Fearful Heart” – A Poem

Fearful Heart – A Poem by Ed Raby, Sr.

Was I ever loved?
Maybe I was—but I don’t know.
In the end, the feeling that I was loved
Seemed an illusion,
A magician’s sleight of hand.

The first time, I understood
The departed’s why.
I loved her—
She couldn’t find the lover’s sigh.

The second time was long,
Accompanied by wedding bells.
But I saw no concern for me
In my children’s mother’s eyes.

The third time was forbidden—
An affair of the heart, rare as flame.
But her playing with my soul
Left me afraid to love again.

My heart is wary,
Bruised by loving and not being loved.
I don’t know if I can stand
Another fall.

Scars whisper softly:
“Please… not again.”

Writer’s Notes:

This poem actually came to Mind as I was driving home today. I was feeling very alone. Sometimes, even when that is not true, it still hits me. I have been wondering why I have become more reclusive, and pouring myself into my second job of being a writer and creator of YouTube content, there seems to be little room anymore for romance or finding love. Then one phrase struck me: ‘You’re afraid still of getting hurt again.’ Then the rest poured out into this poem like black blood.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

The Grey Mage – Episode 1 – The Current State of Affairs

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Happy Woden’s (Odin’s) Day!

The Grey Mage’s Journal – June 18, 2025

It’s been a while since I have written in my journal, but I feel that things are getting interesting, to say the least. So, it may be time to start chronicling my life experiences again for the sake of posterity. But perhaps an update is in order, as my last entry was on the last day of 2019, between COVID and a few other things that have happened in my life, my life is very different from it was those many years ago.

The magical world, in North America at least, has had an uneasy peace between the creatures of Magic and the Mages. But there are still some who long for the good ole days when creatures were slaves of the mages and the noble mage houses ruled things, but it seems changes are becoming more permanent. Most of the Houses still survive, but all of them have lost some of their political pull. This is because the Council has Magical creatures on it now, and that definitely doesn’t sit well with many of the old guard.

This has led to some changes, such as the Death Angels (The Old Council’s Necromantic hit squad) being disbanded. Necromancy is truly outlawed, so even the Council cannot violate this without penalty. Under Pressure from the magical world, the council began to be more inclusive in who could be on it.

Over time, the makeup of the council has changed so that things are a little more balanced. Over the last six years, there are less mages and more magical creature types. The council still has nine members, and now North America and Europe are divided into nine districts from which anyone can be elected. Hell, I could run and have been asked to do so. I, however, have no desire to do so. Right now, there are four mages on the council, only three of whom belong to noble houses. The Houses of Mars, Venus, and Saturn have seats on the council. The fourth mage is an ‘unaffiliated’ mage like myself. The Fae have two of their dryad queens on the council. Add in a Centaur and an Ogre, and it is pretty balanced at that point.

The final member, and most recent member, was a half-elf girl of previous acquaintance by the name of Raven. A woman I had the ‘privilege’ of meeting in my apartment many years ago. She is a bridge in more ways than one. Mostly, she is both fae and human, being half-elf. She was also elected unanimously as the Chairperson. This move kind of shocked everyone, but it made sense, and she has, over the last few months, handled things quite well.

But this political move actually had consequences for me personally. One month after taking her seat as the Chair of the New Council, I opened the door and found her standing on the doorstep of my cabin in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. (I had moved after the war was over from the one I had in Wisconsin back to my home state.) She smiled that beautiful half-elven smile and asked to come in. Unlike last time, she wasn’t alone. She was flanked by two other figures I also knew from the past – Grumm the Troll and Alex, a mage from House Saturn. They both were in much more formal attire, and both of them looked at me with a frightened respect. I had after all kicked their asses when we fought last time. Grumm, for his part, shook my hand and said there were no hard feelings from me burning him all those years ago, and Alex simply brooded over Raven’s shoulder.

Raven, for her part, was still the diminutive half-elf with the sex appeal of a Playboy Playmate. But now she wore a sports suit with a knee-length skirt. Much more professional. The goth mercenary look was gone.

“If this meeting goes well, perhaps I can call you ‘Edward’?”

“That would require that we move our relationship to the more intimate level.”

“We will see.”

I laughed as I thought this was a joke, but I was to find out how wrong I was.

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We sat down and talked for a bit. In summary, she sought my assistance in addressing various situations that might require my services. In short, a troubleshooter. I objected because I was basically retired at this point and trying to keep a low profile. I still had many enemies. But I had also parlayed my magical expertise into a decent income as a consultant and researcher of magical things. I worked from home and earned a good income. What could possibly pull me away from this very peaceful life?

Raven offered me more money, but I think she knew I didn’t care. Then she offered me something I didn’t expect to appeal to me, but it did. She appealed to my sense of justice. Many of my enemies were still involved in various questionable activities and engaged in revolutionary activities to bring back the ‘good ole days.’ In short, I would be making my enemy list shorter while at the same time doing some good in the world. Plus I would be brining some justice for some because some of these scum were on the run from the magical law.

Then she pointed out the main reason she wanted me. I was the only known battle mage, and she felt the Council could use that kind of help with this problem. I balked at the thought of working for the Council; I had spent the majority of my life on the run from them. I told Raven that I wouldn’t be their puppet no matter how much they had changed. She said, I wouldn’t be working for them, but for her directly. Each councilperson has the right to enlist individuals to help them of their choosing. She had basically kept Grumm and Alex on as her bodyguards that way. But she didn’t want me to work for her, but with her.

In short, she was offering a partnership. Her, with her political connections and intelligence sources, and I, as investigator and battlemage when raw power was required. I could also enlist help if I needed it. My concerns still remained, but she assured me this Council was different than the others. It literally had only one member who was from the old days, and that person was someone who supported the revolution.

I then switched my thoughts to the nature of the job. What was I investigating, and who was involved? It was this point that I was sold. The old guard was up to some pretty nasty things. Fae slavery trafficking, Necromancy, illegal research, etc. The Fae slave trafficking caught my attention as I had an intimate relationship with one that had begun in childhood and continued up to the present day. I didn’t know right now what Lunnette was up to, but the last thing I would ever want for her would be to be enslaved to some mage as their magical boosting whore. Necromancy made sense as the dismissed Death Angels would be a problem there now that the legal caps are off for them. Illegal practice, but what do you care if you basically think the new Council doesn’t have any power over you?

SO I accepted the partnership with the condition that I could dissolve it at any time. Raven agreed, and then things got a little interesting. She dismissed Grumm and Alex, telling them to form a perimeter around the cabin. She wanted to speak to me alone. Once we were alone, I saw her mumble a spell, and my guard went up. But then I recognized what it was – a privacy spell. She was making sure whatever happened next was going to be known only to me and her.

“Sorry, I should have warned you about that.”

“No Problem. Apparently, there is something you want just between us?”

She then went on to explain that she genuinely wanted this partnership to work. Because it was more dire than she was letting on. The problem was that she felt that the whole of these activities were connected in some way. Some single effort to bring things back to the way things were. She wanted me out there doing something about it and figuring it out. She was interested in me as a battlemage to be sure, but she also wanted my better-than-average skill in divination and my experience being behind enemy lines.

“I also want you to absolutely trust me.”

“Not likely.”

She nodded, then added

“Have you ever heard of the elven ritual of ‘Estel Núte?”

“Trust Bond, as I recall in English”

“Yes, that’s the one.”

“Not much is known about it outside the Elven community. It is supposed to be something like sealing a contract, only much more sacred.”

“Yes, it is. I would like to perform this ritual with you to bond us together regarding this partnership of ours. Make it more of a sacred act between us. It has one actual magical effect – Enchantment magic will not work between us. I can’t enchant you, and you can’t enchant me.”

I thought on this for a bit and asked Raven for a moment. Raven was basically saying that she wanted to nullify her main form of magic toward me. I didn’t know what other magical schools she had skill in, but this would be a huge thing for her, and I was starting to see why it would mean so much to the elves. Enchanters are roughly 80% of their spell casters, and that would mean that between two of them doing this ritual, it would form a lot of trust. Magical manipulation becomes very difficult. In this case, Raven would be voluntarily giving up a lot of her options regarding trying to magically charm me. I, on the other hand, whose basic skill in Enchanting is almost non-existent, wasn’t giving up much. So she was desperate to have my aid.

“Seems one-sided. What does the ritual itself involve?”

“Ritual spell that involves shared blood and coitus”

She tried to say that like she was delivering a technical lecture, but some emotional excitement slipped through at the end.

“So we do the spell, exchange blood and fuck?”

She laughed, “Yes, that is in a very vulgar way of putting it, but technically correct. That’s why I said – I might be able to call you ‘Edward’ at last.”

I groaned inside. The problem was I hadn’t actually had sex in about six months. I missed it terribly both as a man and a mage. Lunette, Amber, and I had formed a Trois relationship during the war, and it has lasted quite a while into the peace period. The Trois was technically still a thing, but I hadn’t seen Lunette in well over a year or Amber in six months. We kept in touch minimally, and they had been gone for a while. But I knew for sure that if we got together again and were within walking distance of a bed, there would be passion of a physical kind.

Lunnette was feeling itchy feet, as many Pixies do, to be off and doing something exciting. She loved me and I her, but I could tell something was bothering her, and it was that she needed to get back out there. I could tell she was getting sexually bored as well. Pixies have the sexual morality of a goat and long for new experiences. There is just no way for any human to sexually satisfy a Pixie, even if that human is a mage.

I think the Trois lasted as long as it did because both Amber and I are mages, and our auras were an aphrodisiac that could not be equaled by a pixie. She was both in love with us and addicted to our auras. It kept her excited for a long time, but then it suddenly didn’t, at least not as much. Then she got offered a job with one of the Fae Queens in a Grove in Montana, and said she was going to take it. We made love that last night, cried a lot, then she packed and, after a goodbye kiss with both Amber and me, she walked out.

Amber and I tried to make a go of things as a couple, but it was problematic. I am 25 years her senior, and this made for interesting gossip in the local town. I will never understand how society has so many double standards. If I had been a fifty-something woman and she a twenty-something man, it would be: ‘You go, girl.” But the opposite, and somehow she is being manipulated into the relationship, and I am a creeper. It put a little social pressure on us in that very conservative part of the country.

But the point was that Amber and I had always been a thing in the context of the Trois. Lunnette is the one who had invited her into the whole thing. As a couple, we found out how much Lunnette had been the glue that held us together. It is not that we fought or anything. It just wasn’t the same. The nights still had passion, but they lacked something. One morning, I woke up and Amber was gone. She left a note on the table about how things had changed; she still loved me, but she had accepted a job out of state. She didn’t tell me where.

I cried for a while. I have to say I like having two sexy roommates, but the truth is, the feeling of being alone hit me hard at that moment. But I understood I didn’t own either of these women. Both had very free and at times fiery spirits. I did the best I could, and occasionally I would get a text or email from one of them. I would reply, but that was the end of it. It felt so sudden, and for me I threw myself into my magical research and reading. Not much else to do.

But at this moment, a half-elf woman was offering me ritual sex to seal a deal, and until that moment, I hadn’t realized how much I missed being touched and loved. I missed making love to someone. I had always been a little selective of who I had sex with; at that moment, my body count was four. But…

I nodded assent. Raven smiled and took my hand in hers. It isn’t very hard to find a bedroom in a cabin-sized structure. The Trois had used it often, and it still had the king-sized four-poster bed in it. Raven stood in front of it and disrobed. Suddenly, there was a beautiful naked half-elven woman in front of me. I suddenly realized how horny I was and it started to show. So, I followed suit and disrobed myself and stood a couple of feet in front of her.

She produced a small ritual dagger in her left hand and took my right. She made a cut across the palm, then cut her own right palm, and then clasped her bleeding hand in mine. She began to say some words in Elvish, and I could follow some of them. It was magic-laced words of binding and trust, and I could feel the magic between us arise as our blood mingled. When she was finished, she released my hand, and to my surprise, it wasn’t bleeding anymore, but there was a faint scar.

The next second, though, I had her pressing her body against mine with her arms wrapping around my neck. Our height difference was almost comical as she pulled herself up on her toes to kiss me with my 6-foot-4-inch height. For my part, my hands went to her waist and then down her butt slowly until they were mid thigh and then I grabbed her thighs and pulled her up. She wrapped her legs around me.

Now, normally I would not kiss (or fuck) and tell. I tend to keep that in my memories and not share. But there are some things I have to say about our lovemaking that might be pertinent later:

1) If Raven is a common example of elvish lovemaking, then they are all freaks. I had heard stories, of course, about how the Stoic domenor comes off when elves are alone with themselves or close friends, but I had no idea. Raven was ‘crazy bitch’ levels of enjoying the experience. I thought for sure Grumm and Alex would come running based on her screams and groans, but they didn’t.

2) During the actual act, I found myself thinking I was being dominated or at least there was an attempt to dominate me. Not spells per se, but just the sit back and let me ride you kind of vibes. Oddly, while I would normally accept a woman riding me as a good time, I turned it around. Let’s just say that when Raven put on her panties afterwards, they slipped over some red cheeks that had an impression resembling my handprints on them. She smiled and didn’t seem to mind, almost like she was impressed.

3) The magic works, and as best as I can tell, it is on the up and up. I tried casting some of the small Enchantment spells I know at Raven, and they simply didn’t materialize. I could feel the magic the whole time, and it just added to the experience. I also felt something else, like a bond between us. More than just the magic, but I somehow trusted her more. Like, she legitimately wanted this partnership, and she wanted it to work.

Once we were both dressed again. She came over and kissed me again.

“I would love to stay the night after that, but I have other matters to attend to.”

”Busy now, huh?”

“Yeah, this Councilwoman and Chairperson role is exhausting at times.”

“So, how is this going to work?”

“I will send you an encrypted email tomorrow. It will tell you what I would like you to do for your first mission. You can contact me if you need more details.”

“OK.”

She kissed me again. Deeply.

“Thank you, Edward. The council could really use your help, and thanks for the sex – I enjoyed it immensely.”

With that, she let go of my neck, and I walked her to the door. Grumm and Alex were waiting for her in their car about fifty yards off. I watched her walk to the car, keeping my eyes on that nice tight little, nicely curved ass of hers. Once she was inside and they had driven off, I went back inside my cabin. Activated my wards and made a note that she had called me ‘Edward’, and I didn’t mind.

Something else comes to mind now that I write about it. I am in a good mood for the first time since Amber Left. I never realized how much physical intimacy affects my moods. Right now, I could take on a pack of werewolves and be smiling about it. I have to keep that in mind. I miss the girls for a ton of reasons, but perhaps I should open myself up to other relationships just to add some joy to my life. It’s limited, but it beats the loneliness I have felt for half a year. For Odin’s Sake, how much am I becoming more Pixie-like in my attitude toward sex?

I guess I will see what this encrypted email brings for me tomorrow.

Writer’s Notes:

Sorry, it took so long to write again, but reworking The Hedge Wizard of Redberg / Rogue Wizard universe so that it is caught up both time-wise and puts my main character (my avatar basically) into a new situation took a bit. I do think this situation will get the desired result, which is that this series, ‘The Grey Wizard’, will be a never-ending story of sorts. It is a series that will keep going as long as I want to keep it going. There is no real ending in mind, just the idea of striving from one story to the next.

I wanted to get the Grey Wizard Edward out on his own, so to speak, and have a new motivation to get out there and do something in the world of magic. Getting Amber and Lunnette out of the picture was a part of that. As much as I liked writing battle scenes with all three involved, they were kind of overpowered when together.

I like the irony of Edward working for the Council that had hunted him for most of his life is interesting, but I knew the changes to the Council had to be significant to pull that off. Plus, add an old character that I never really did much with as the Chairperson, and a new situation is born.

We will see what happens in the coming episodes.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Black Dried Salty Tears – A Poem

Happy Sol’s Day!

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Black Dried Salty Tears – Poem

Black

Poison, Night, Your Heart

Dried

Corpse, Riverbed, Winter Leaves

Salty

Soil, Bitterness, My Wounds

Tears

Of Sorrow, Of Regret, Of Lost Love

Writers Notes:

There are a lot of firsts in this post – It’s the first post after a long hiatus where I have been growing my YouTube Channel – The Rabyd Atheist, and trying to put my life together since discovering a lot of things about myself. I note some of the last writing I did was about my autism discovery and all that goes with it. It’s been a bit, but that part has opened more understanding of myself, and I deal with life more positively, and depression (referred to on this blog as ‘The Grey’) is much more manageable now. Not much has changed otherwise, but I am happier and my mental health is more manageable.

But I have missed writing. My favorite form of therapy is writing. Turning thoughts and feelings into poems, stories, and essays has been missing, and I feel now that on other fronts are better, maybe, just maybe, writing might take me to even better states of mind.

I also feel that I am expanding who I am on other fronts.

YouTuber – yes.

Influencer – Yes.

Writer -?

I feel it is time to genuinely add this one.

This poem, like all my poems, comes with a cost of writing. That throbbing of a wound made seven years ago by someone I loved very much, only to discover it was just a game to them. But she taught me to write better poems, and so I feel that was something positive that came out of the relationship. I just wish the scar she left on my heart would stop stinging when I write a poem.

This poem, in particular, was my recent exploration of how I now feel about this relationship after seven years of no contact. It was also my first use of a style of poem I haven’t used before. Single words followed by a list of others that the first word is a descriptor for, although I changed it up on the last one. Other than the form, I don’t think this one requires explanation.

Glad to be Back.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Pause, Reset, Re-Align, Restore

Happy Freya’s Day!

My struggles have always been easier when I have routine and discipline. The problem is that my hypersensitivity can rob me of that when my nervous system gets overloaded and then depression and anxiety can set in.

For the last month, I have realized that the best time for me to establish routine and discipline is fall through spring. Summer is my challenge with all the sensory input. It really makes me turn into a vampire of sorts that avoids the light and heat whenever I can. Cold is actually very comforting to me in moderation. Too cold? Well, I am approaching 55 years of age so my joins feel that. I wish it could be Fall all the time.

So, time to pause things and hit the reset button. Tome to establish routines, so when summer returns, things move to an automatic level and don’t stress my nervous system out as much. So let’s take a basic look:

Main Routine:

  1. Get up and Make my bed.
  2. Full body Stretch (Shower on days off)
  3. Email Check / Personal Business
  4. Read 1 chapter of a book
  5. Write: 1000 words in my rotation.
  6. Youtube Video – 1 a day.
  7. Prepare for work the next day or if not working relax.

Before Work: – Workout/Shower

Discipline: Diet – Carnivore or Paleo – haven’t decided.

Time to reset this all and re-align it so that it makes me more productive. Time to restore a little bit more of myself.

My Goals are not a long list anymore:

  1. Become a successful Youtuber
  2. Become a published author
  3. Be as fit and healthy as I can be.
  4. Fall in Love again.
  5. Peace of Mind.
  6. Retire to a cabin in the woods as a Philosopher.

I crave a simple and Stoic life these days, full of love and peace.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

“Lone Wolf” – A Poem

Happy Freya’s Day!

“Like a Wolf

I am drawn to the pack

But I walk alone

Outside its embrace

I am and am not

Part of the pack

I watch over them

High on the hill

Safe in my sight they will be,

I stand alone to be stronger

Stronger than the pack

Stronger for the pack

Loneliness is the price I pay

So they can be free

So Lone Wolf

I stay and howl alone

in Luna’s face

Until THE She-wolf finds me.”

Writer’s Notes:

I wish Miss Salty had not taught me to touch my feelings with words at times. I have a love-and-hate relationship with my poetry. Every time, I write one, I think of her, and it makes me sad. I wonder if anyone will ever walk beside me again like that.

The lone wolf analogy fits me so well these days. I do watch over the people I love and care for. I am always ready to come to their aid at any moment. But I feel like I am outside too. Just to watch over and not to participate. I feel the loneliness of solitude, but also understand its strength. I am stronger than the pack. But they have nothing to fear from me.

I now understand more and more that this feeling of being the one wolf most of my life was a part of my autism. I have felt like the odd person out for a very long time. Very few get into my heart. Once they do I am very vulnerable to them as I have found out with so many pains. I just wish I could find love again. Some days I wonder if I ever will.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

‘Love and Smoke’ – A Poem

Happy ’s Sol’s Day!

Love and Smoke!

I had a Dream Last Night

You Were There

You Smiled at Me and walked Away

I ran after you my heart pounding

Fires of passion burning

I reached out to touch your hand

But poof, smoke

Then Nothing but ash.

My fire turning to smoke

Writer’s Notes:

I haven’t written in a Long time. I have been concetrating on my YouTube Channel and learning to cope with my hypersensitivity, which has been and interesting journey of discovery.

This poem is actually based on a dream I had. I found myself in the woods and there she was in front of me – my old love – Miss Salty. In the dream I ran after her trying to catch her and then I finally got close enough to grab her hand. At that moment she turned and laughed and then faded into wisping smoke.

My feelings in the dream went from blazing to nothing. Fire to smoke, smoke to ash.

I wonder if I will ever find love again. I am a half a year away from becoming 55 and I wonder if love is even possible for me anymore. I miss it. The inspiration. The cuddles. The conversations. The sex. But where is it for me? Right now all I seem to have is memories and ash.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

54 – My Birthday and My Goals for Healthy Next Year

Happy Sif’s Day and Happy Birthday to Me!

I am Detroit Lions Fan so I in general have a respectful hatred for all things Chicago Bears. That said, when I was picking the number 54 to represent one of the best for the number of my age 54, Brian Urlacher went to the front of the class. Got to give the Devil his due. The man could Ball. Linebacker sized, fast as safety, and skilled. I was happy to see him retire so the Lions wouldn’t have to face him twice a year anymore.

So today I turn 54. I can’t lean into my early fifties anymore with that number, we are definitely middle fifties now. I have tried to turn my birthday back in but no one wants to take it. So I guess I will own it for as long as it gets mileage. My birthday has one redeeming feature, it works far better than New Year for changing my life’s course. This year My goal is to get healthy in a lot of areas.

  1. Physically I want to get back to pre-COVID. Muscled. leaned out with good strength, endurance, and flexibility. I was in the best shape of my life in March 2020 and then we all know what happened to take us all away from the gym which in retrospect was a bad thing overall. I want to look the part of the sexy over-50 man, so this is the year.
  2. Emotionally and Mentally I need to be in a better place. To that end, I want to work on getting back to being a creative educator. This may take some time. I also renewed my relationship with my therapist. I am hoping to be more disciplined and focused going forward in my life.
  3. Financial Health needs to be a focus this year. I need more income than working for the world’s largest brick-and-mortar retailer can provide. This involves creating some income streams outside the norm. As well as looking for better career choices.
  4. Family/Friends: I feel like communication needs to be a focus this year and given that I seem at times to be the source of my family’s anxiety. I want to change that if at all possible. I just tend to be reserved and quiet most of the time.
  5. Love: I would like if at all possible, to be in love by this time next year with a woman who makes me better. I am good being a bachelor, but I mess with having a confident, lover and partner in crime. Not going to force it, but I am looking harder for it.

Well, I have soem work to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will be starting my D&D series and then the rotation for this and a few other projects will be rolling. This year is about learning and implementing things for good personal health in a lot of areas.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Valentine’s Day – Mixed Feelings

Happy Tyr’s Day!

Now that I am divorced and single, Valentine’s Day gives me a lot of mixed feelings.

Of course, I wish I could celebrate the love I have for someone on this day, but that isn’t going to happen so being the follower of Stoic philosophy that I am I am focusing on the positive.

  1. I don’t have to spend money on gifts and that means saving for me.
  2. I can focus on the possibilities of who I might get to be my new life partner.
  3. I also can smile at how feminine this holiday is.

Going to be blunt this is about romance and so is more of a female holiday. I have long been a supporter of a more masculine holiday in March My favorite is using March 14th as Beer, Steak, and a Blowjob Day. This lines up with more masculine wants. Valentine’s Day is not going to get you beer, or a steak spending your own money and while sexy time might happen on Valentine’s but it’s going to be romantic sex which is OK but sometimes as a man you just want the girl to do the work to show you how much she loves you.

Not to mention this is a Christian holiday, named after a Christian ‘saint’. Freya doesn’t mess too much around with Romance. She once was accused of fucking every god in Asgard. She never denied this, but she did say Loki had bad manners for accusing her in front of everyone. The fact she was sexually active with more than one partner was not considered a shame in that she did it. I tend to take this view about sex as well. It’s just that society frowns on this attitude, and I just don’t want the hassle.

Maybe that is why when I look at holidays that are supposedly secular and know the religious origins, I just have trouble getting into the ones based on Christian holidays. Most of the rest are pagan holidays that Christianity stole so you can convert them back.

Maybe next Valentine’s I will be with someone special and my feeling will be more on par with normal. But today, I am just mixed about the whole thing,

Goals for Today:

  1. Settling up my shelves when they arrive – hopefully. This is two shelves and represents a lot of time so it is my only goal for today

Yesterday’s goals were both achieved. Hoping to start therapy soon and waiting on on landlord.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Routines and Systems – Planning: First and Last Routines

Happy Sif’s Day!

Yesterday I determined my various foci for my life and this week is going to be all about figuring out which routines are needed and what systems need to be put in place. The real challenge is as a third shifter morning and evening are very relative for me. So the real issue is more of ‘what is the best time or most productive time for this. Coming up with names to describe it is a little more difficult. It’s not a morning /evening situation. It’s not a wake-up/go-to-sleep situation Eventually I went First and Last.

The First Routine is done right after I get up. So the focus is the best part of my day being used for things that are probably creative in nature I can see my writing/reading and YouTube Stuff falling in this slot. This also would involve anything that is about the philosophical application to life. It is also about Love, Family, and Lifestyle. So it involves relationships and cleaning for the most part. This is where I reset my apartment from a cleaning point of view and then get ready for work on a workday or move into the last routine if it is a day off. This is the big routine but once I get it going it will be pretty much automatic once I get out of bed.

The Last Routine is more about health and perhaps a few other things. But mostly health and doing it for the most part right after work or when off that day right after the First. I get off work and go to the gym, and talk a walk if the weather permits. Get something to eat and head to bed.

I change the focus name of Money to Lifestyle because then it is a little broader. That’s applying philosophy to various aspects of life, not just money although money is included.

I am going to try my best to put everything I can into these two routines. But what doe not fit usually becomes a system and systems are used for the routines. The issue is if I can get it into a routine I am more likely to do it and have it become a habit. Stacking habits together is important for this process.

What remains is that for the next six days, I will be taking the six areas of focus and figuring out what goes in each routine and where. I need to get this as close to right as possible but I know adjustments need to be made and I am starting this with a lot of knowledge of the past.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!