Mental Health

Black Dried Salty Tears – A Poem

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

AI Image

Black Dried Salty Tears – Poem

Black

Poison, Night, Your Heart

Dried

Corpse, Riverbed, Winter Leaves

Salty

Soil, Bitterness, My Wounds

Tears

Of Sorrow, Of Regret, Of Lost Love

Writers Notes:

There are a lot of firsts in this post – It’s the first post after a long hiatus where I have been growing my YouTube Channel – The Rabyd Atheist, and trying to put my life together since discovering a lot of things about myself. I note some of the last writing I did was about my autism discovery and all that goes with it. It’s been a bit, but that part has opened more understanding of myself, and I deal with life more positively, and depression (referred to on this blog as ‘The Grey’) is much more manageable now. Not much has changed otherwise, but I am happier and my mental health is more manageable.

But I have missed writing. My favorite form of therapy is writing. Turning thoughts and feelings into poems, stories, and essays has been missing, and I feel now that on other fronts are better, maybe, just maybe, writing might take me to even better states of mind.

I also feel that I am expanding who I am on other fronts.

YouTuber – yes.

Influencer – Yes.

Writer -?

I feel it is time to genuinely add this one.

This poem, like all my poems, comes with a cost of writing. That throbbing of a wound made seven years ago by someone I loved very much, only to discover it was just a game to them. But she taught me to write better poems, and so I feel that was something positive that came out of the relationship. I just wish the scar she left on my heart would stop stinging when I write a poem.

This poem, in particular, was my recent exploration of how I now feel about this relationship after seven years of no contact. It was also my first use of a style of poem I haven’t used before. Single words followed by a list of others that the first word is a descriptor for, although I changed it up on the last one. Other than the form, I don’t think this one requires explanation.

Glad to be Back.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Pause, Reset, Re-Align, Restore

/ Ed Raby Sr / 2 Comments

Happy Freya’s Day!

My struggles have always been easier when I have routine and discipline. The problem is that my hypersensitivity can rob me of that when my nervous system gets overloaded and then depression and anxiety can set in.

For the last month, I have realized that the best time for me to establish routine and discipline is fall through spring. Summer is my challenge with all the sensory input. It really makes me turn into a vampire of sorts that avoids the light and heat whenever I can. Cold is actually very comforting to me in moderation. Too cold? Well, I am approaching 55 years of age so my joins feel that. I wish it could be Fall all the time.

So, time to pause things and hit the reset button. Tome to establish routines, so when summer returns, things move to an automatic level and don’t stress my nervous system out as much. So let’s take a basic look:

Main Routine:

  1. Get up and Make my bed.
  2. Full body Stretch (Shower on days off)
  3. Email Check / Personal Business
  4. Read 1 chapter of a book
  5. Write: 1000 words in my rotation.
  6. Youtube Video – 1 a day.
  7. Prepare for work the next day or if not working relax.

Before Work: – Workout/Shower

Discipline: Diet – Carnivore or Paleo – haven’t decided.

Time to reset this all and re-align it so that it makes me more productive. Time to restore a little bit more of myself.

My Goals are not a long list anymore:

  1. Become a successful Youtuber
  2. Become a published author
  3. Be as fit and healthy as I can be.
  4. Fall in Love again.
  5. Peace of Mind.
  6. Retire to a cabin in the woods as a Philosopher.

I crave a simple and Stoic life these days, full of love and peace.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

54 – My Birthday and My Goals for Healthy Next Year

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sif’s Day and Happy Birthday to Me!

I am Detroit Lions Fan so I in general have a respectful hatred for all things Chicago Bears. That said, when I was picking the number 54 to represent one of the best for the number of my age 54, Brian Urlacher went to the front of the class. Got to give the Devil his due. The man could Ball. Linebacker sized, fast as safety, and skilled. I was happy to see him retire so the Lions wouldn’t have to face him twice a year anymore.

So today I turn 54. I can’t lean into my early fifties anymore with that number, we are definitely middle fifties now. I have tried to turn my birthday back in but no one wants to take it. So I guess I will own it for as long as it gets mileage. My birthday has one redeeming feature, it works far better than New Year for changing my life’s course. This year My goal is to get healthy in a lot of areas.

  1. Physically I want to get back to pre-COVID. Muscled. leaned out with good strength, endurance, and flexibility. I was in the best shape of my life in March 2020 and then we all know what happened to take us all away from the gym which in retrospect was a bad thing overall. I want to look the part of the sexy over-50 man, so this is the year.
  2. Emotionally and Mentally I need to be in a better place. To that end, I want to work on getting back to being a creative educator. This may take some time. I also renewed my relationship with my therapist. I am hoping to be more disciplined and focused going forward in my life.
  3. Financial Health needs to be a focus this year. I need more income than working for the world’s largest brick-and-mortar retailer can provide. This involves creating some income streams outside the norm. As well as looking for better career choices.
  4. Family/Friends: I feel like communication needs to be a focus this year and given that I seem at times to be the source of my family’s anxiety. I want to change that if at all possible. I just tend to be reserved and quiet most of the time.
  5. Love: I would like if at all possible, to be in love by this time next year with a woman who makes me better. I am good being a bachelor, but I mess with having a confident, lover and partner in crime. Not going to force it, but I am looking harder for it.

Well, I have soem work to do. Hopefully tomorrow I will be starting my D&D series and then the rotation for this and a few other projects will be rolling. This year is about learning and implementing things for good personal health in a lot of areas.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

This Week’s Foci – Writing and Health

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

So I need to embrace my six foci over a three-week span, which I think is best. I don’t want to overload my routine with everything because that is a good way to not do it. For sake of repetition, my six foci are Writing, Media, Health, Lifestyle (formerly Money), Love, and Family. I chose writing and health for starters because I am already doing part of them already and it will be a lot simpler adjustment also if there are two things that help my overall feeling of well-being, they are writing (Mental Health) and Health (Physical Health.)

In looking at it a couple days ago, I realized that this combo would be the best way to start the first routine and last routine as well. In a sense, Writing is a natural First Routine thing and Health fits best with the Last Routine. So both these routines will have something in them right away. There is some Lifestyle stuff in all of this because it needs to be the glue that holds the Writing and Health stuff together. Lifestyle proper I will deal with Last as kind of a mortar to the brick of the whole system.

First Routine:

  1. Wake Up and Make the Bed
  2. Meditation – 3 minutes
  3. Blogging – 1 hour. One article a day plus work on fiction for the blog. This is my journal and daily artistic expression.
  4. Meal Time
  5. Personal Hygiene:
  6. Get Ready for Work
  7. Reading/Study Time – 30 minutes
  8. Novel Writing – Half Hour or 500 words – whichever comes last.

Last Routine:

  1. Get Out of Work
  2. Gym Time
  3. Walking – 30 minutes when weather permits.
  4. Bed Time

I am picturing the First Routine will be much more involved than the Last. Mostly because of my energy level but also because I do the best work right after I wake up. In Health I need two systems which are my workout log which is paper and my nutrition plan. I need to use soem time to lock these down this week.

Goals – a note would be that goals fall outside the routines so they involve time outside the routines as well. Because a third shifters day is not in one day, I am simply going to call these ‘today’s goals” and then give a report the next day on how I did. As a reminder, I only do 2-3 goals a day.

Today’s Goals:

  1. Fill out forms for the therapist
  2. Email the landlord about trash pickup

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Fatigue and Sleep Pattern Changes

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sol’s Day!!!

It was inevitable at some point that The Grey would make an appearance. This is what makes anyone who fights depression, win or lose, a little braver than most in my opinion. In my case the triggers are things like 1) returning to an old job and finding it feeling worse than it was before. 2) A nagging feeling of being a failure in teaching, even though I left for some very good reasons. 3) After visiting the apartment I had in mind, I now have some misgivings.

The misgivings about the apartment are the fact I will be dealing with some very religious folks who are the caretaker as they are a pastor and his wife. They were also people I knew by reputation when I was a pastor. The worst kind of fundamentalists in my opinion. Nice people but the world is one way to them to the point they can’t see other possibilities. The apartment is also bigger than I wanted. It could be a two bedroom with how big the living area is and with two big bay windows to cover heating is going to be murder. . If I have to pay the utilities for this, the expenses are going to be larger than I want. The real problem though is finding a place to live in this market. So I think this is the first feeling of a setback I have had since coming home to Michigan. That said, I might still take it because a lot of other plans depend on having my own space. It’s the weighing of options that is depressing me because I could live in a tent for a lot cheaper but it is too cold for that in Michigan right now.

Combine this with moving back to the third shift and the problems of switching to that sleep pattern and I am having some depression – yep. I am tired a lot more than I expected. I don’t need a lot of sleep but its shifting patterns mean sleep comes in short three-hour bursts at times. Not good.

So need to find new solutions and that means pulling my coat around myself a little tighter and pushing through and finding a way.

To-Do List 1-28-23:

  1. Visit to see my possible new apartment. – I have my misgivings if this is going to be a good solution.
  2. Generate novel ideas – brainstorm – only one novel idea comes to the surface and it involves a modern fantasy. It also involves being very adult. It also involves expressing feelings long buried, but I think it is time.
  3. List for YouTube Channel construction. – I have my list now it is time to execute. I have set my start date back because of my job to next weekend Feb 4th. Need to write an opening video outline at some point. I also need to find where I am going to record. The apartment thing had been my answer to this, but now I need something different.

To-Do List: 1-29-23:

  1. Go back to bed at 8am ( I am writing this at 5am) – this is the final effort to get some sleep at the right time.
  2. I need to write a workout plan for a five-day rotation. I really hope it gets warmer by March – I need to start walking again.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The Morning Routine: My Opening for Each New Day

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

A couple days ago I wrote about what I resolved to do this year and now I am starting to work on the nuts and bolts of things. January’s focus will be to get the morning routine down. I want to lay out the ten things in the morning routine and list some of the details and motivations for it. This is mostly for my benefit to give myself clarity of thought. But it doesn’t hurt to share what you are doing with others in order to give inspiration or even open yourself up to suggestions.

1 – Get Up Early and make the Bed: Sounds simple right but there is a significance to it. If all else fails that day: I got up early, on time, and made my bed. There is nothing better than climbing into a made bed at the end of a long day as well. My wakeup and bedtime become the bookends of the day and I want it to be good at both ends.

2. Meditation on the Nine Noble Virtues: I actually put in my contacts before this but it is necessary because the NNV re on a poster on my wall. In five minutes I can read through them about three times and sometimes I pause to think about something. The point here is to remind myself what values I hold, and what my real motivations are.

3. Full Body Stretch: I need to get some flexibility and strength back in my joints but also this tends to be a very meditative time for me as well. I suppose I should mention that all of this is done naked at this point. I go to bed naked and I fail to see the point in getting dressed until after I shower. For stretching, being nude is actually very liberating as it gives very good freedom of movement.

4. Weightlifting: I have gone to more of a routine that is only two sets with 15-25 reps from now until the end of summer. The goal is fat burning and to lean out as much as possible. I have a dumbbell set at home so I don’t even need to go to the gym for now.

5. Good Breakfast; My diet is shifting to low carb and low salt. This is for the above-mentioned fat burning but also my blood pressure was high at my last visit so I need to cut the salt for both that and wat retention. A good breakfast starts all of that.

6. Hygiene Routine: I would put this Shit, Shower, and Shave. Ultimately I am just getting the hygiene done so I am ready for the day.

7. Get Dressed: Pretty self-explanatory. On days I work, it’s getting dressed for work Otherwise it’s shorts and a T-Shirt for home or something else if I am going out that day.

8. Reading – I was going to do 3 chapters a day, but my Goodreads goal is only one book a month. So 1 chapter a day. With non-fiction, I am adding the read it again and take notes second run so this should make the 12 books a year make more sense.

9. Write for the blog: I am going with; 1) Write the rough draft one day and 2) Then edit and post the next. This is a conscious effort on my part to write every day but also to pay more attention to editing. Something that every writer needs to pay attention to more often.

10. Get Ready for Work (if needed): Self-Explainitory. Balance of time (if any) is spent resting.

The whole point is to get off to a good start personally each day with the daily goal of focusing on myself, and then keeping everything else that day in that context.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Transitions

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sif’s Day!

This past week has been one of transition. At its beginning, I was still teaching in Texas finishing up the school year. Road Trip on Wednesday and Thursday. Set up my tent on Thursday Afternoon and I now am camping out on my daughter’s lawn in Michigan this week.

But it isn’t just a location that has shifted, but a mindset. I am moving away from my job (not entirely as I have the stuff to do related to my career) and more to working on myself. Health and Other concern related to me are now at the forefront. I have some training to finish, some professional development to finish to be sure, and some education books to read, but the main focus is my own goals and habits.

The routine is shifting some senses as well but the main center is still intact. More on the summer routine tomorrow.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Routine Adjustments and Forming Habits

/ Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sol’s Day!

So what is the vision for myself I am trying to base my goals and thus what habits do I need to form on daily basis to achieve them? So we start with my vision of what I would like to see myself be. This has a few new elements seeing I am now single and working toward better things for me without consideration for a significant other. This has its own challenges because I am doing it with one income and without someone to run it through as a filter. I do consider that last part to be a bit of a weakness of being single.

My vision for myself has some specifics in that I value strength, masculinity, rationality, virtue, and quality of relationships over quantity. I also believe these work together and fortify each other. Thus the reason I used the quote from Henry Rollins for this post. One strength leads to another. So what habits do I need to achieve this?

The problem with this for me right now is that I recognize this as a process. Because of this habits may need to be added once I recognize the need for them, and others might need to be dropped. This is an evolving list and one that is going to change with time and further consideration. Thus the Daily Routine. Each item is designed to bring me day by day to some part of the vision. It’s interesting that this almost eliminates the idea of goals, now that I think of it, other than the goal is to create habits that create the vision of what I want to be.

The Grey Wayfarer’s Daily Routine (as of 5-15-22)

  1. Get up and Make the Bed: Goes to Mental Health. I can say at any time of the day I have made my bed. It’s also nice at the end of the day to climb into a made bed, even though the other side is empty right now. I miss cuddling the most. I usually get up 3am.
  2. Meditation on the Nine Noble Virtues: Goes to Virtue. Basically, I read through them three times out loud. This is my way of coming to a better understanding of the virtues and thinking about how to apply them.
  3. Full Body Stretch: Goes to Strength of Body and Masculinity. I also put on my headphones at this point to listen to Viking Wisdom and Warrior Wisdom.
  4. Weight Training: Goes to Strength and Masculinity. I am still usually listening to Wisdom and Motivational stuff on my headphones. This is Monday through Saturday Only.
  5. Breakfast and Supplements: Goes Strength and Masculinity. My Diet is Cave Man (Paleo).
  6. Shit, Shower and Shave: Physical Health: Part of the Viking Wisdom I listen to is the expression about not worrying about the simplicity of Dress but rather worrying about health and Hygiene. Being clean and hygienic of body is more important than what you wear on that body.
  7. Get Dressed for the Day: Mental Health: This is the first mental acknowledgment that I am going to have to go outdoors so I need to prepare. It should be noted that 1 through 6 are done in the nude. I sleep naked as it leads to a more restful night of sleep for me. When I get up I fail to see the point of getting dressed to just take it off again to take a shower. I am comfortable in my own skin and tend to be an at-home nudist anyway. I have also found this leads to a good mental state of “This is me in the raw, what I am stripped down – what am I capable of like this?”
  8. Get ready for work: This is Monday through Friday only. It leads to financial health but there is a mental shift going on as well. I have a separate work routine. I will probably go over that at some point.
  9. Record YouTube Video for The Rabyd Atheist. Edit and Post. Goes to being socially strong. Having a voice in the world. I used to do this later but a practical concern caused me to change it to earlier. That concern is that after school the kids in my apartment complex play loudly. So Yesterday I made the decision to record as soon as I am ready for work. Even if I have to go to work right after I record I can pick this up later. Usually, I have plenty of time, as my routine (the more I get used to it) goes faster and takes less time.
  10. Write Post for The Grey Wayfarer: Goes to Mental Health and Social. I also have a vision of myself as being a philosopher writing out his wisdom at the end of his life. I am the guy who played LIFE the board game and wondered why retiring and becoming a philosopher was a bad outcome.
  11. Study: 30 mInutes: Right now this comes before reading because I am trying to finish my training for my teacher certification and working on it for a half-hour a day seems reasonable
  12. Reading – 3 chapters. God for me as the scholar and it starts to mark me coming down from the day. I find reading both engaging and relaxing. Mental Health here as well.
  13. Cleaning: 30 mInutes. This is more of a mental thing as well. This is also more of the spot cleaning of a room or rooms as on Sunday I have a full reset cleaning I do. Keeping my environment clean and in line with my tastes goes a long way toward fighting my depression.
  14. Personal Business: Mail, email, paying bills. I am probably going to morph this into planning and budgeting as I have a financial goal of getting debt-free as soon as possible.
  15. End the day: Take off my clothes and climb into bed. My alarms are all set through Alexa so. Sleep and reset.

Over time this should start to shape me in a lot of ways into a strong person of mind, body, and social responsibility. The only thing I am trying to add is a routine about staying connected to my family but in many ways that are in their hands as all my kids are welcome to interrupt my routine to talk to me. One of the perks of being my children. They are far busier than me so they all have permission to interrupt my life to talk to me.

I suspect that some of this will be changed over time and added to and subtracted from. There are two other routines in my life – Work and Sunday Rest. More on those next weekend.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

Music and The Wayfarer

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!

If you know me you know that my musical taste is very eclectic. Mostly, I tend to listen to music that reflects my emotions. Some people, a very few, have been able to figure out that if you want to know what iI am going through emotionally in my head all you really have to do is listen to my playlist. If you are emotionally inclined you can read between the lines and find the connections between the songs I am listening to and what I am thinking and feeling.

I have always been impressed by people who can read me this way. Miss Salty was one of these and it was sometimes scary how accurate she was. My ex-wife was not. Often she would just pass judgment on what I was listening to. She had no desire to know me in this way. The point I am making here is that the woman who can read my music and thus read me has an advantage. It’s a weakness, maybe. Or it is just a safer way for me to express my emotions without verbalizing them. I guess I would rather look at it as an open door to understanding the man who is The Grey Wayfarer.

Because my emotions change, what I listen to changes with it. It is probably also why I look for new music all the time because I do run into emotions that have no expression and I look for something musical to express them. Sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. But the search can be some of the most rewarding I have done. Especially when something new turns out to be perfect.

It’s probably why I don’t hate on any genre, but there are some I just don’t resonate with. Probably because what they express just isn’t me or my emotions.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!

The Grey and the Wayfarer – Time to Take a Walk

/ Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Mani’s Day!!!

I have been away for a while and I can’t say that after looking at my excuses for not writing that they are good ones. I will only say that I have been keeping my life on the grindstone and The Grey is a motherfucker. This issue is that a lot of major changes were taking place and; to be blunt, my muse was running out of steam, and I didn’t have a new one.

The Changes in my life were that I pretty much started proclaiming that I am an atheist (a pagan one as far as ethics) but also after 32 years my wife and I decided to part ways. I am not going to go too much into it, but the result was me putting all my worldly possessions in my Jeep Patriot and riding away on July 30 to Texas to take a teaching job in a Houston Area high school teaching social studies. I have actually found a good replacement for what I lost as a pastor, but also I can now at the end of the day leave work at work and start enjoying life. My only real battles are usually homesickness, loneliness, and depression (The Grey).

My Muse for a long time was the grief of lost love over those people who have read this blog known as Miss Salty. It’s not so much that I don’t look at my heart in that pot and don’t find a scar and a little pain. Time heals but it doesn’t heal everything. That said, the fuel that grief gave me for my writing seems to have dried up. It always seems that I need the feminine to write and I’ve struggled to know what to write about.

A little while ago though I realized that one of my coping mechanisms against The Grey is writing. I don’t; cope well when my feelings are not being written down and No matter how I try to a journal offline, it doesn’t work. It’s the notion of public consumption that makes it feel like sharing with someone else. That’s the motivation.

I don’t know what the future holds other than I have made the commitment to start writing every day again. It might be a journal entry like this one, a short story, or a poem or something. The main thing is to write and thus start taking a walk again into my feelings and thoughts. I am also going to keep these short, so that’s all for today.

I remain.

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher.  The Grey Wayfarer.

Skal!!!