“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 3) – My Marriage – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 18

August 7, 2019August 8, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Wooden’s (Odin) Day.

Warning: To my family and friends, this one is going to be as truthful as the old Rabyd Microphone so be advised. Mostly I feel the need to write this series for therapeutic reasons. This also a long post so be prepared to give it some time.

This is part three of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

Click Here for Part 2

An additional disclaimer might be necessary here – I am talking very openly about my feelings and struggles I have had and am having with my marriage. Two things: 1) My wife and I are in the process of rebuilding things and, given recent experience, are painfully aware of the weaknesses in our marriage. That said we are working on it but both of us are no longer naive enough to believe that things will always be cool without working on them. 2) I am not going to speak for my wife’s feelings on things currently. That would be rude and presumptuous on my part to do that, but I am going to be very open about mine. This is about sorting things out in my head, not looking for excuses or reason to call it quits. It is more an honest assessment of the situation, so I can move forward.

A little background. We have been married for 30 years now. It almost wasn’t 30 years. My wife and I have known each other since we were children, we dated on and off through middle school and high school. In early 1989, we got back together and in February of that same year, I proposed to her. We got married that June on the 10th. From that time on our life has been basically revolving around two things: 1) Our lives as a pastor and his wife and 2) Our children. We always talked early on about how we wanted a few kids early so later in life we could spend more time enjoying each other but life began and slowly these two things dominated our lives.

Through the years we were pastor and wife through four churches and we raised our kids. The last one graduated in 2011 and that is when the seeds of our troubles really began. Mostly, I guess my expectations that we would do more together felt a little short-changed. It was one of those moments when you are done focusing on the kids and you look at this person you have been with and go – who are you again? I would say to any couple that hits an empty nest stage, even if you think you are in good shape – go get a marriage check-up with a counselor. There are probably things that have been unsaid while you have been raising the kids that need to be said now as it turns back into the two of you.

For me, things started south at about the same time I started school in 2015. I know I wasn’t supported in that decision by my wife. It bothered me because I was facing the reality of the fact that the church was never going to support me so that retirement was an option. I was basically going to have to stay preaching until they put me in a box and to be honest, that image did not appeal to me. The thing is my wife and I had drifted by that point because even though the kids had grown up she kept injecting herself into their lives. At the time I felt that if I was a priority on my wife’s list it was down near the bottom and I didn’t feel at all supported as I tried to do something to make a better life for us now that the kids were gone.

Over the next three years, a gap began to develop between us. It became pretty much church, the kid’s life, and other small talk items. As someone who hates small talk, this began to drive me nuts. As early as 2016 I began to think about divorce because from my perspective it seemed our marriage worked great for her but it sucked for me. Throw in at that point a lost faith and frustration with the Dirty Pig and his control of the church and my mind is pretty much in a very dark place about the whole thing.

As I have said before in this series, my plan was to finish school, get a new job, resign from the church and file for divorce. I wasn’t going to provide a better life for someone who hadn’t been supportive and didn’t seem to care that from a financial point of view we were in the middle third quarter of our life and down by 35. Time to get off the bench and put up some financial offense. My view was if she wasn’t going help with that, I needed to either play on my own or find a new teammate.

My affair with Miss Salty accelerated my departure from the church and it also caused the troubles in our marriage to be brought to the forefront. My wife and I spent the next three months separated including our 29th anniversary. We had a couple conversations and the same problem presented itself from my end. I never fall out of love with a woman completely. That was true for my wife as well. I just didn’t feel at the time I had the right kind fo love. I felt also that my wife and I’s passive aggression had also hammered most of my love right out of me for her. I just could bring myself to love her the way a husband should love his wife. Plus all the practical concerns listed above.

I filed for divorce in middle June and given the 60-day waiting period before a hearing, we were slated lat August and that would have been that. It was an interesting test at times because when the severance was denied my letter written in response said that the main person they had hurt with that decision was not me but my wife who had to shoulder all the bills seeing I was not working. I had also wanted to give her some of the money to help her transition, but that was no longer an option. It demonstrates that I wasn’t out to hurt my wife in any way on this. I just wanted out of a relationship that at the time wasn’t very good for either of us.

Then Miss Salty left me for the last time and I found myself alone, again. People remarked later how quickly I made the decision to return to my wife. It was a 10 day or so wait. I remark back it only took Miss Salty about 3-5 days to get over dumping her fiance and moving on, so what is their point? My main concern was I knew that Miss Salty was no longer an option for me. My two choices: 1) go to something new or 2) try to fix things with my wife.

My decision to try to fix things with my wife was predicated on a few factors. 1) I would never be able to trust Miss Salty again with my heart, so that was done. 2) My children had remarked that I hadn’t really tried to fix things with their mother. True. (I want to give a shout out to my daughter if she reads this – a lot of your comments my dear were spot on – take a bow girl, you probably saved your parents’ marriage.) 3) There was that little bit of love for her left. That said, it was my wife’s reaction that ultimately made it work. For my kids’ sake, I contacted my wife and asked if we could try to work this out.

My wife listened to me and then she talked. She did something I didn’t expect. She forgave me. She also took responsibility for her part in all the crap that went on before. She didn’t tell me it was all my fault and she listened to my story and believed it. Long story short, we got back together, I canceled the divorce with like two days to spare and we took a mini-vacation where we spent a lot of time naked in bed talking and doing what married couples do when they’re naked in bed. We got counseling and moved into our own apartment on our own. It isn’t perfect, but we are working on it.

There is one element of church nonsense that happened during the whole thing I feel the need to address. When word got out one member of the church, Miss Salty’s aunt; she tried to contact my wife about what an evil person I was. How I had committed a felony, had a teenage girl problem, etc. My wife’s friend basically told my wife to tell her to shove off as a busybody and move along with the reconciliation. My wife was kinder than that but the basic advice was followed to tell people to mind their own business.

Later in counseling, our counselor made the simple observation that the affair was a typical one that had nothing to do with Miss Salty’s age, but our marriage being shitty. When a marriage doesn’t help the people in it, these things happen because you are vulnerable. For my part, I simply fell in love with someone who started to meet the needs I had that my wife was not meeting. That’s it. Anything else people want to think is Bull Shit.

If there is any possibility this still might not work, it lays with me and a few issues that are between us because of who we are:

I place a high value on my freedom to act as I see fit. I don’t like a constraint. I accept the few constraints that our marriage puts on us because it is a marriage, but outside that I want the freedom to do what I want and what is best for me. That could pull us in different directions.
Part of my problem related to this is that I tend to help others at the expense of myself. This leads to a building up of a deficit emotionally that eventually will blow up like a bomb. If someone doesn’t make a point to stop and ask me genuinely how I am, or as an INFJ I will go on my merry way on destruction. My wife has learned not to take my “I’m OKs” at face value which is good, but I still have to watch myself on this and on occasion do what is emotionally right for me even if it seems selfish to others.
My values are rapidly changing. My social mores are also changing. This means in our religiously mixed marriage, I a Deist/Pagan don’t see things as evil or sinful anymore. As a Christian she does and so compromise is definitely the order of the day. I measure things in terms of building virtue and benefit to each other, not avoiding what is wrong or bad. If our values get too far apart, our counselor said it could still be our marriage downfall.
Our compromises have to be genuine give and take. I call bullshit pretty quick if I don’t feel they are. Some things are still in tension because of this and it is going to take time to work them out. With our values, she and I have to really watch this because it is pretty significant if a couple values different things from one another. You can still love one another and the marriage can still fail because of this.
My Weaknesses are now pretty apparent. I miss certain things about another relationship that speaks to these weaknesses. I either have to go without or find alternatives. In some of these areas, there is no alternative so it becomes a major internal battle. I concede now that I could very well lose those battles. I’m am indeed vulnerable to these things.

I am not trying to create doubt here, but state the reality of where I am. I view marriage as a pagan would. In particular, the brand of paganism that renews vows every year. This forces you to be constantly working at it to make it mutually beneficial, rather than just taking it for granted as a lifetime commitment does. It is far more realistic in my opinion and the vows don’t set you up for failure.

That said, our vows are Chrisitan ones, so the basis for me is gone except for my commitment to the Asatru Virtue of Fidelity. I still honor the spirit of those vows for that alone and nothing else. That said, one aspect of Fidelity is loyalty to self. It is possible given our different faiths/values that loyalty to my marriage and loyalty to self might come into conflict. How I view the virtue of Fidelity is starting to solidify with self at the center and all my other relationships in a circle around it. If that circle is broken or weak in some spots, it needs to be addressed or changed but the center needs to always be strong.

One part to go and that will be me directly addressing some of the people I mentioned in this series so far. For now, know that my wife and I are good and we are working to be great.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Year Ago Retrospect (Part 2) – Church Nonsense” – The Rabyd Skald – The Grey and The Wayfarer – Part 17

August 5, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 3 Comments

Happy Moon’s Day

This is part two of a Year Ago Retrospect. These are going to take the place of my normal journal posts this week in a mini-series:

Click Here for Part 1

In Part 2 of “Year Ago Retrospect,” I am going o deal with my other break up – with my faith and my last church. The major trouble with the church started the moment I let certain people know I was having an affair with Miss Salty, Most notably The Dirty Pig. But I need to do a little background on my relationship with him first so you know why his betrayal was so painful. It is this relationship that is central to the Church Nonsense so bear with me.

When I first came to my last church, the two of us hit it off. He made the observation that I was going to be myself and that people would just have to deal with that and from then on I considered him a friend. A lot of people think they know this guy so when I talk about this stuff, they think I am lying about his character and actions. You need to understand that I knew him a lot longer than any of them. We were friends, we did the same small group together for over nine years, I did him a lot of favors over the years and while I never asked him for anything he would on occasion give me something or help me out. I know the Dirty Pig from long experience and only after he betrayed me and I looked back did I see the painful truth that I suspected, but could never prove and didn’t want to believe was true.

Our friendship was good; not best friends but solid and he was a part of my circle. Note that for me, an INFJ personality type to say that is significant. But also I knew the emotions of the man as an empath and sometimes what he felt was troubling. It was contradictory to what I felt he should be feeling at times. Amusement when something was pretty tragic. Over time I would say it was like a cat looking at mice as far as his emotions. Given that he had been a cop all most of his career, somewhat understandable although a little uncomfortable. There was always this element of ‘my viewpoint on life is superior and people better respect that’ with him. He also was highly competitive and I never saw him happy when he came in second in anything.

We got along fine for a long while but our friendship got strained more and more as time went by. I am very accepting of people’s flaws and other viewpoints and he is not. The first real issue I noticed there was a problem here was when I was trying to get a modern worship team started. It was going OK, but he would make comments like ‘that hippie music’ and such. He said he didn’t mean much by it, but it had a negative effect. I went away for vacation and when I came back he basically tells me that the worship team is no more. Funny, as the pastor I was constitutionally in charge of ministry – the spiritual head of the church.

I had dealt with powerful influencers in the church before. If thy are for the most part benevolent then the best course of action is to make them allies if possible. The problem with the Dirty Pig is I would classify him as a traditional obstructionist. That is the preferred a very traditional view of what a church service and function were. If he didn’t like something along these lines, he would pretty much not support it or even actively block it.

His basic tactic was to control the agenda of the church by using his position as the moderator to channel what was talked about and what was not. I am now firmly convinced in that church, in particular, the moderator is the most powerful position because of this and should have term limits because of it. He also added the fact he maintained a good relationship with enough people to vote both on the council and in the congregation to get what decision he wanted. If the church grew or added people who did not share his view, something would be said by him that would cause them to either backdown or stop attending. The church could never really grow too big because that gets harder to control and the people in it were his supporters with only a few people that were detractors.

One thing that really bothered me about his attitude, but I could never do much about, is his belief that by being cop he could also be a good pastor. I would probably tell him now there is no direct correlation and he has no fucking clue what he is doing when it comes to building a church and ministry. But it is all irrelevant to me now.

In the summer of 2016, I took a sabbatical of one month. I had two issues at the time 1) my faith was starting to crumble, and 2) the church was not going to be able to support me long term unless changes were made and there was no way effective change was going to be made as long as the Dirty Pig kept interfering in everything new I proposed that he didn’t like. When I got back I wrote a letter to the church board outlining my problems and what needed to be done. A good chunk of it was directed at the Dirty Pig and his church political control, and he knew it.

There were only two responses: 1) One guy who understood I was right said so privately but also didn’t want to fight any more about it. He stayed on the council long enough to got something for his departed wife done as a memorial and left the church. 2) A second guy who was not on the council challenged the business dealings of the church and was basically silenced through the Dirty Pig’s moderator power. Everyone else stayed in line and stayed quiet.

After that, I basically said to myself: “This church is going nowhere as long as the Dirty Pig runs it.” I am just going to come, preach and help people where I can. I had a couple years of education to do and then I was out. I could do the job and then walk.

Then, of course, Miss Salty came along and kind of upset all that. One day in April of 2018, at a prayer meeting, she bounces in and announces that the Dirty Pig is no longer her favorite person, but I am. I could see his face. That “I don’t like to finish in second’ look all over it. I am not saying there was anything romantic in his intentions toward Miss Salty, but like all people who came into his life with problems he always wanted to be the one that ‘fixed’ them, so he could pat himself on the back. The sides were set at that point.

The following events are as best I can reconstruct them in order and true as I know:

Miss Salty and I announced our affair to her aunt and my wife on Sunday evening. Monday, the Dirty Pig got the news from the aunt and I headed over to his place of business to talk.
I had written my resignation and gave it to him. He argued four things: 1) That I shouldn’t resign, 2) That I was going to ruin my pastor career, 3) That I was going to not have a future career in anything else. and 4) That I needed to dump is Salty because she was ‘a deranged little girl’ that is never going to amount to much and be an embarrassment to me. My responses: 1) No, I am going to resign. Inside my head, I knew he would use this against me to control me. 2) Didn’t give a shit anymore. 3) Maybe. But as my one friend would say later, people don’t really care why a pastor leaves the ministry when they switch to something else. He is right. 4) That’s an interesting opinion of a woman who has a very high opinion of you Mr. Dirty Pig. I told him I didn’t know where this relationship was going but I knew I loved her and wanted it to be mutual.
One might argue that at this point I should have known the Dirty Pig was dirty, but he told me he would do as I asked and read my resignation and would handle things as my friend. Given all I had done for him over the years pretty much because he was my friend, I was grateful. I trusted him to do the right thing in this regard because of our friendship, and it is what I would have done for him. I had not seen him be dishonorable in that regard and that was my downfall with him.
On Tuesday, Miss Salty and I broke up the first time.
Wednesday, The Dirty Pig calls me up and asks me to revise my resignation to not have the confession line. His reasons: not wanting to start gossip in the church and not wanting to drag Miss Salty into this. I felt the reasons were sound and because I was planning to tell the story myself the next Sunday after, I agreed and told him I would get it to him in the next couple days.
On Friday, I handed him the revised resignation, no confession line in it.
From a conversation I had later in July with Miss Salty, I was made aware that it was also Friday and about the same time that he called her asking her permission to tell the story.
Sunday The Dirty Pig reads my resignation and then tells the story. This information got back to me as well as the information that the congregation had been whipped into a lynch mob for all practical purposes. I knew then I could not go back and talk to them now as from their perception I was hiding something, which was never my intention. The Dirty Pig absolute dragged Miss Salty into it and used her, and had every intention of starting gossip in the church to use for his own purposes.
I was also told there was a plan in place to vote for my resignation or to fire me. They already even had the ballots from one report I got. That speaks to a lot of intentional planning for a certain result long before the announcement was even made. Hmmm.
Second Monday, I texted the Dirty Pig as to what was going on? He never responded and still never has said one thing to me since.
Miss Salty and I began our second dating cycle on Tuesday, In retrospect, my need for someone to talk to given the whole weight of this made me open once again for this relationship. I was hurting and she was there.

I was fired and then denied any kind fo severance. They even made it retroactive to May 27th, 2018. I could probably just walk away from it if it had been fairly treated but I wasn’t. The deck was stacked against me and I didn’t know it until it was too late. A person I love was used against me and a congregation I loved turned against me by the Dirty Pig.

Later on August 2nd, as a related in part 1, all this came to the attention of Miss Salty who couldn’t believe The Dirty pig would do that to her..probably. Through my sources, I learned she called him up when she read my post on August 2nd about this and asked him to refute it. He wouldn’t talk to her or give her an answer. I guess that was right after she hung up on me for the last time. After that, she gets high and drunk all the way to the end of the 3rd probably. She found out the hard way what I knew from early June – I was no longer relevant to the Dirty Pig and now she knew neither was she.

The fact is I now know one thing about him. If you are no longer of use or you are going to tarnish his precious reputation, he has no problem discarding you. His view of friendship is purely utilitarian. I would have given him love enough to squash all the rumors and I certainly would have at least have given him time to think about things. I would have also made sure both sides were represented fairly. I would take heat for him as a friend too.

There was a ton of rumors at the time and 95% of them were nonsense. Some of them affect my reuniting with my wife so I will deal with them in part three. But I want to set the record straight about my relationship with Miss Salty from May 21st, 2018, to the time of my resignation.

We never had any physical contact beyond holding hands once, hugs and a kiss on the forehead from me to her. There was no sex or sexual conduct.
Our relationship was a lot of ‘I love you’s’ and genuine concern for each other’s happiness and welfare. At least for me, I can’t speak for her.
There were no other women, girls or whatever. Just Miss Salty.
Miss Salty was a legal and functional adult at the time of this, the entire time. No crime was committed.

The other things that burn me:

That I was never informed at any time of what was happening by any official channel of the church. I was also fired without once being asked if I could come and defend myself in any way. If it hadn’t been for a few friends, I wouldn’t have known shit.
I currently make more money where I am now and have more benefits than the entire almost decade I served that church. It seems one mistake costs you a lot of years where I was there for people, held their hands in tragedy and backed and encouraged them. Severance isn’t just about the money.
Very few from the church have come to me to talk to me about this.
They actually sent Miss Salty a voting ballot about my fate. I love the dual accountability. Hammer for me; free pass for her. After all the time they said I was being too soft on her and not treating her like an adult, what they do? Treat her like a child, and actually make her decide something about someone she loved. I applaud her for throwing the thing in the trash.
Because I was fired, I can’t even list anyone from the church a reference because primarily I don’t trust any of them. But it would be impractical and counterproductive too.
I preached for nine and a half years on grace and forgiveness. I gave people a lot of grace and we as a church even forgave a couple that actually stole from the church and welcomed them back in. Me – throw me to the wolves.

Some of the rest of the church nonsense comes into play in my marriage discussion, so I will leave it until then.

One last thing, some argue this is the reason for my leaving the faith. Not true, it is more the final crash from a falling faith that started falling back in 2015-2016. My objections to Christianity are theological and philosophical and I will be rewriting them soon in Odin’s Eye for the next month or so. All this really does is make me thankful I left the world of church politics and hypocritical Christianity behind. I haven’t been in a church for a service since May 27th, 2018 and I feel so much better for it. The only justification for a pagan for being hypocritical is making it right or conflict through fire and steel for honor sake. I will have a message for my church and the Dirty Pig in my last post in this series on Frigg and Freya’s Day.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“The Christian Invasion – Asatru (Part 4)” – The Pagan Pulpit

August 4, 2019August 5, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

We don’t pray here – we figure God, the gods, goddesses, or whatever powers that be either know already, don’t give a fuck, or are busy with more important matters than our petty stuff. We also kind of assume that they expect us to do stuff that we can do for ourselves and that we will do them ourselves and not be lazy. We also believe in being good friends, so we don’t presume on our friendship with the powers that be by asking them all the time for stuff while giving them nothing in return.

We also don’t take an offering here. We figure the powers that be probably don’t need it. Let’s be honest, offerings are not given to the divine powers, they are given to an organization to support it. Just being honest. God, the gods or whatever never sees a dime, farthing or peso of that money; it all goes to the church, mosque or shrine.

Theme Song: “Viking War Song – Fehu” – Wardruna

Meditation:

There have been a lot of really shitty things that were legal for people to do. Legal is no metric for right and wrong. Truth and Justice are not about what is legal.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

It is at this point, that I hope that why I am going through the history of the Germanic/Scandinavian religion that it will be clear why the modern movement of Asatru is necessary as a reconstructionist effort. The main cause is that the Christians were very good a wiping out paganism for the most part. It certainly made sure that whatever aspects of paganism that survived had to 1) go underground or 2) hide in the midst of Christian tradition.

As a former Christian pastor, I lived with a couple very terrible bits of historical revelation. 1) That the spread of Christianity was due in large part to missionary efforts that involved bribery, diplomacy and violence more than the truth of the religion as it stands on its own, and 2) That these tactics have continued to the present day. There is what Jesus taught and what Christianity does to spread the faith, and they are miles apart. Light years really.

Paganism in the middle ages started to face a new invasion from a religion that was relentless in its missionary zeal. The basic tactic of Christians was to approach a ruler and offer them salvation in the church. The offer was often sweetened by the fact if that ruler was facing an opponent that was difficult or wanted some sort of help in a conflict they were having with a neighbor, conversion to Christianity brought church financial support as well as the support of Chrisitan allies as they went after those ‘unwashed’ heathens.

Inside each new ruler’s country then the process would start of identifying pagan practices, making them illegal and then purging the pagan practices and if necessary the pagans themselves. There are stories that survive of the slaughter of heathens on a grand scale, destruction of pagan sacred sites and the seizing of pagan property which found its way either into the church’s hands or the ruler of the country. There came a tipping point in Europe where it was either join the church or die and many chose to join the church. A few brave souls chose to die with honor along with their countrymen.

The problem for those who now follow Asatru with all this is that Christianity was very effective in wiping out a lot of the old ways to the point that much has been lost. Asatru is a reconstructionist movement at its heart trying to search out and find things that were lost and then restore them.

It is only recently in the history of the world that some countries have added the Norse/Germanic religions to their list of accepted state religions and thus opening up even the ability to try. For the most part up until then, pagan practices survived by bastardizing their practices by combining them with Christian ones. See Easter’s bunny and Christmas’ trees and lights. Or they went underground passed secretly from one generation to the next. Some things survived in ancient writings and mythology. This is why Asatru is necessary as it is trying to put back into place what has long been lost.

For myself, I knew all these things as a Christian for many years about what my faith had done but justified it. Now, I call it out for what it is – gross hypocrisy. I would also say that Christianity has acted in greed, malice, and lust but called it manifest destiny, the divine right of kings (government), and missionary zeal. They really should be ashamed of their history, but they go on merrily talking about how loving and humble they are and a force for ‘civilization’. There is nothing very civilized about running a sword through someone simply because they have a different faith than you.

The problem for me is I live with a Chrisitan and my family is mostly Christian. They are good people and for the most part ignorant of their religion’s history. That said, I know that their faith has blood on its hands going back quite a bit and in some contexts, they would, because of their faith, do some pretty shitty things to others. For Me, Asatru is about getting back to my spiritual roots before Christianity came into my ancestors’ lives and changed things. It is about finding that which is lost and restoring it back to my weary soul.

Parting Thought:

An obvious note in Asatru. Loyalty is, but not obedience. That belong to the religions that expect blind loyalty and servitude. We are free people and respect and allegiance are earned.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Naked Before Who?” – Odin’s Eye – The Grey Wayfarer’s Spiritual Side

August 1, 2019August 1, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.

Discussion:

On May 17, 2013, I wrote this post: Naked Before God – Part 1 – The Positive Spiritual Side of Nakedness. It was the first post in a series of posts called Naked Before God. At the time, I was trying to reconcile some findings I had found in my biblical study of nakedness and current Christian practice and its perception of nudity. At the end of that post, I reflected on six positive spiritual aspects of nudity. Vulnerability, Openness, Intimacy, Genuineness, Wholeness, and Equality.

Those qualities are very spiritual when you think about them as they go to the core of who we are and how we perceive ourselves in relationship to others and the world. Of course, the problem with this series of posts now; for me personally, is what do I mean about the word ‘God’?

I personally still find being an at-home nudist beneficial. I am actually quite private about it with no real exhibitionist tendencies being introverted as I am. That said, I am as comfortable in my own skin as I am in clothes. Actually sometimes more comfortable because of the spiritual qualities I outlined so long ago still remain true despite my change in faith/religion/spirituality. My issue is redefining how this means to me spiritually. The change is not the spiritual qualities of nudity so much as the notion that the Christian god is the one I am naked before is no longer true to me.

I suppose this is going to take some time and meditation to redefine, but the problem seems to be that some of these spiritual qualities are dependent on there being some divine force to be naked in front of in the first place. There is also the issue of whether such a divine force ~~gives as shit~~ cares about it. Yet, I feel at these times that I have spiritual peace or at least a better possibility of spiritual peace than at others.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Faith:

I know it sounds strange, but I feel that my faith in myself grows in my times of spiritual meditation and part of that is connected to the fact I meditate in the nude. All the spiritual qualities combine at the time. I am open to the universe around me and vulnerable to it. I can see myself for who I truly am (genuineness) – equal to every other man and woman. There is a non-sexual feeling of intimacy with myself and the world I don’t experience otherwise. I am the whole and true me and me alone. This faith or whatever you want to call it has lead to a lot of inner healing for me. To those of you out there who practice ‘magic’, is this magic?

Religion:

Of course, I have to from time to time shuck off the shackles of my former religion which trains people to be ashamed of being naked. I now believe this is what leads to a lot of body image problems and poor self-image problems for people. There was a fear developed in me from an early age by my past religion that if I was naked I should be ashamed of it, my body and being naked automatically lead to sexual sinful thoughts. None of this is objectively true, but if you are going to dominate and manipulate a person, engaging in shaming people for who they are in truth is a good start. Nudity and sex are great targets for this. I don’t buy any of it anymore but the indoctrination still has a few things that cause irrational fear that I have to throw off.

Theology:

It is interesting that in pagan theology, there seem to be a lot less moral codes about nakedness. If anything, there is at worst neutrality about the subject, or at best blatant positivity about its benefits. The naked pagan walking in the woods is probably a common and an accepted image. We are human and come into this world naked. It is our most natural state and foundational spiritual state, and so it is considered beneficial by most. Whatever power that be that made/evolved us, doesn’t seem to mind our nakedness, so why should we.

Spirituality:

If there is a spiritual challenge to nudity for me now it is twofold. 1) The dumping of artificial man-made social mores that no longer apply to me. 2) Coming to terms with the fact there is a call in my heart to more social nudism. The first I find it easier every day I spend in the buff doing normal and everyday things. The second is the simple fact that much of the spiritual qualities I have outlined that nudity possesses are incomplete without others to experience them with you. It is a value shift for me that is probably been long in coming, considering how long I have been addressing the subject of spiritual nudity. It isn’t a question of spiritual negativity anymore for me, but a practical question.

Conclusion:

The main question of this post still remains as to who I am naked in front of anymore. If not god, then who.? Do such powers even care? Mostly I think I am naked with myself and coming to terms with the fact that I am very comfortable with it and becoming more so every day. It is a part of my daily at-home activities particularly when I am alone. Only time will tell if I gain a more spiritual understanding of myself and the people and world around me as a result. There is a part of my journey that now involves walking this path.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Viking/Germanic Paganism – Asatru (Part 3)” – The Pagan Pulpit

July 28, 2019July 28, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “Song of Odin (A Cappella)” by Alchemical Poetry

Damn son, this kid can sing and all the parts too. Salute.

Meditation:

It depends very much on what you value: power at the cost of freedom or freedom which has a power all its own.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

My purpose for going through the history of paganism in regards to Asatru is to assess whether it is possible that the current practitioners of Asatru have as a genuine foundation the beliefs fo old. It is also to point out that once we hit the Christian invasion that for the most part religion was not a cause for people to fight so much as needs and wants That would change with Christianity’s arrival.

It can be simply stated that as the area entered the Viking era, religion had become far more sophisticated. The pantheon much more developed and regional differences smoothed over. To the area’s credit, it seems that any religious differences were actually swallowed up by the mythology itself where the Vanir and Aesir both made peace and one pantheon formed. Rituals evolve and the priesthood of the pagans established.

With the fall of the Roman Empire, the areas did gain some distinction as the Scandinavians pretty much became separated and developed their own lines of religious thought while the Germanic peoples on the continent continued to be influenced by the Empire’s final gasps.

What the Viking people became was a culture based on the old gods, fishing, herding, and some farming. They became very adept at either trading for the other things they needed and raiding for the rest. Their gods evolved to reflect their culture and became integral parts of it with festivals, rituals, and calendar. The population grew and the Viking leaders began to adopt the style of government on the continent known as feudalism. This caused migration and that lead to the Vikings doing their raiding more and more frequently not just for loot but for land.

The one thing religion did id create a ‘professional’ clergy for the gods. The hof was a place where the gods were worshiped and the idea of being a friend of the gods or a particular god is born. Being ‘Thorsman’ of “Maiden of Freya” is reflected in this time and some Scandinavian names still reflect this. The idea of worship in one place – the hof while the rulers were in their ‘hall’ was in some respects the first ideas of religion and state being separate but integrated.

For my part, I like this part of history because everything is unspoiled by Christianity. If I had lived then, I would be an Odin’s Man and perhaps a teller of tales – A Skald. It would have been my desired profession to keep the stories alive. It makes me wonder if one of my ancestors was a skald or bard.

This, of course, would all change as the pagans and Christians would begin to clash. But it should be noted that modern practitioners of Asatru look a lot to this time for their inspiration. More on these things in the coming weeks.

Parting Thought:

There will always be someone better than you at something. The quest we should be on is self-improvement. The only competition we should have is what we were yesterday.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Early Pagan Culture – Asatru (Part 2)” – The Pagan Pulpit

July 21, 2019July 21, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “Ancestors” – Lila Lilly

youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWcMO8020X4&w=1072&h=603%5D

Meditation:

People’s time has value. Learn to respect that and you will go a long way to understanding how to properly influence people without manipulation or coercion. Also by making people respect your time you will go a long way to learning to respect yourself.

Text:

If you want more details about Asatru, I can’t recommend this book enough.

Sermon:

My focus as I read the book in this first section on Asatru’s ‘history’ was to note at what spiritual concepts were being developed. As the people migrated but as agriculture also became more prominent. People began to settle but some continued to move around and engage in trade. Governments began to form as a way to deal with human interactions and threats. In all of this spirituality and religion began to develop.

In all of this certain spiritual concepts and ideas were started and began:

The hearth or fire becomes sacred both to spirituality and religion at this time. The fire was life and progress but also dangerous so it had that mysterious quality to our ancestors that they began to see as spiritual. Home and hearth develop at this time as more than just nice feelings but as the center of belief in the gods.
Various pantheons began to spring up all over Northern Europe and the idea of being spiritually inspired becomes common. It is the nature of many of the words that mean inspire that also correspond to the god Odin as his name and the root of ‘inspire’ are the same.
The number three becomes sacred.
There is some evidence that by the bronze age, a trained priesthood existed.
Magic as a concept begins and is practiced.

In the Norse lands, you begin to see the development of rituals involving ships, wagons, phallic men with weapons. There is a golden-haired goddess. You see carved representations and pictures that probably represent the earliest forms of Odin, Thor and Freya worship. Marriage rituals are started here.

The point of all this is to point out that Norse ancestors were developing a fairly sophisticated form of religion and spirituality long before Christ and Christianity. Long before any of the invasions by the Abrahamic religions. The people that would become the Vikings, were very much about the hearth, home, fertility, and being courageous in battle. What we need to understand is that no one was forced into this, it is simply what happened as these people looked at the world around them and tried to find answers to the things they didn’t understand.

Pagans respect each individual own spiritual walk. They don’t impose their views on others because that is not how their religion developed. Each person participated as much as they wished in the way they wished. You actually see this very early on. It is a deep understanding of these ancestors that Asatru takes as its roots.

Parting Thought:

What you are is apparent to everyone. Live your life and the accolades will come to you as you deserve them and who you are will be apparent. No need to brag about it. Those that do are often lying.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Christians vs. Pagans” – Odin’s Eye – Problems with Christianity.

July 11, 2019July 11, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day.

Discussion:

Now I am not trying to stir anything up, but I know this post probably will. I find it interesting that Christians decry Islam for some of its more violent and politically aggressive tactics. It seems to easy to forget that not too long ago, Christians were doing the same shit. I would say you can still see Christians doing their level best to use at a minimal level the power of government to force their faith and morality on others.

But I have lived long enough to remember Serbia being a place where Christians killed Muslims in the 1990s. I would also say the continued bombing of Middle Eastern countries is certainly construed as (whether this is the case or not is irrelevant) as Christians killing Muslims. So perhaps Christians should not be too hard judging Islam considering our current actions and a long bloody history of killing. coercing, defrauding and raping those who were not Christians for hundreds of years.

The practical problem for me is that I also know the history of paganism and Christianity and it is equally as bloody. I am not going to say the pagans were completely innocent, because they weren’t. But it could be argued no one need have died at all if it wasn’t for Christina missionaries converting rulers and then convincing those rulers to do the above killing and coercion of those that didn’t follow suit in their realms. If a ruler did not convert, then those around him that had would suddenly cut off trade and go to war with him. The church pulling the strings to make it all happen like a puppet master. The church may have split on a lot of things but they still do much the same only they are far more subtle

Why is this a practical problem for me? Because my return to paganism is much about my returning to the faith of my ancestors as it is anything else. Christianity to those of us of European descent is an imposition, not something that we started as. We started as pagans deriving our faith by reaching put ith the spirituality we had developed to make sense of things. For me having pagan tendencies is returning to my roots and throwing off the chains of an oppressor.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

“To see the truth, change one eye for another”

Faith:

Faith forced is no faith at all. Faith is internal and based on personal free spiritual choices. If you force certain choices, that isn’t faith, it is a religious imposition.

Religion:

I think the conclusion that all the Abrahamic religions are bloody is pretty fair. The fact that they use their faith to justify violence and oppression is well documented. More practically is what I have seen over the years:

Families that split over faith because those that believe won’t associate with those that don’t.
Moral judgment on those outside the faith leading to feelings of superiority (all disguised as humility, of course) for themselves and a viewpoint of looking at others who don’t believe as less than themselves in need of conversion from their ‘sinful ways’.
Political actions that force laws on others that enforce a moral code that others who don’t believe do not accept. Or else.

Quite frankly, compassion is not the word I would use to describe this – arrogance and pride are better words. I figure most of the wars in the western world might have not taken place if not for Christianity. Now, most of it is because of Christianity and Islam.

Theology:

As a deist for the most part who enjoys the culture of his real ancestral faith, I see how much I was spending time convincing good people to do some pretty questionable things, including myself. My theology was one of death for those who did not believe one way or the other. I no longer see how that can be justified as no matter how hard you dance around it, a god who just kills arbitrarily or simply because people didn’t accept his message is a pretty fucked up god. My guess, people whole like to control others, love such a god though. The amount of fear you can impose on someone with such a god is quite high; and in such fear, people are easier to control. I figure the real divine is far more thorough in his judgment of each individual human than that if he or she or whatever is really concerned about justice.

Spirituality:

Oddly enough, despite all this bloody history, I feel the pagan response is genuine tolerance until such time as they seek to impose themselves again. Then resistance is allowed. As a pagan, I don’t go looking for a fight, but I will gladly fight and finish one to protect my right to freely choose which god myself or others choose to follow if at all. Let the followers of Abrahamic religions once again demonstrate their irrational emotionalism and hatred. I plan to stand on higher ground than that and defend myself and others.

Conclusion:

I live in a house divided. I am a pagan, most of my family are Christians with a few notable exceptions. My response to most of it is tolerance, and so far no one is yelling at me or whatever. But I know the past and I know where I stand. I stand with my true ancestors.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“A Blog Change I Have Been Meaning to Make” – The Rabyd Skald

June 27, 2019June 27, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day

Hey, it’s been a while since I did a regular The Rabyd Skald post. Unfortunately, the time of year is difficult so mostly it is The Grey and The Wayfarer when I do one of these. But today if you are a regular you noticed that no post dropped at 9 am and that was no accident. This a change I have been wanting to make which is to start dropping posts in the afternoon.

There many reasons for this:

I often find myself rushing as I get ready to be at work and sometimes a post just needs a little more loving care before it drops, but I skip it so I can go to work and just let it drop. This will allow me time to do a little love editing on each of my children known as posts, and then they will be a little cleaner and better.
Traffic for my posts is actually statistically better for posts I drop in the afternoon instead of the morning. I get more engagements at least.
I would feel better if I gave every post one last look right before it drops which given my work schedule, the afternoon is the beat time to do this.

So starting today with this post, my posts will drop at 4 pm. The one exception is on Sun’s Day which will still be The Pagan Pulpit at 10 am. The reason for that is personal – I used to start the service and preach in my former church at 10 am. So I preach from a little different pulpit these days at the same time. For you pagans out there that used to be Christians, it is probably better understood. Kind of a middle finger to my former ‘friends’ of that church. ~~Fuck You Haters!!!~~

Other Writing Notes:

I know I have promised this before but more fiction posts are coming. The Rogue Wizard has been difficult to write at this moment for personal reasons as well. I am thinking it will be better after the summer is over or the next chapter is finished. In that chapter I essentially destroying most of the visages of what was the past in that series idea and moving on. It is hard to do from an emotional point of view. Try destroying something you put a lot of love into so you can move on, and then tell me something about it. Until then you don’t have a clue.

When I do start my short story writing I will probably be doing alternative and very adult versions of Grimm’s Fairy tales. Poetry has been rough or the same reason as The Rogue Wizard. Poems are very emotional for me and have an automatic connection with someone that I can no longer have contact with but the memories of them surface for me every time I write a poem. Fall I might be able to muster something.

I have another post I want to write about using Role Playing Games as an inspiration but I might do a series very similar or The Adventures of Ayn Jones. Something I did a long time ago taking the character creation process of a Megatraveler Character and bringing it to life with a very complete backstory. I might very well use Megatraveller again to do this because it is Science Fiction.

Well, that is all the writing notes for now. Don’t be surprised if another The Grey and The Wayfarer drops soon. When The Grey builds to a point I have to write about it to deal with it.

One last note, there will be no Odin’s Eye today. I have a lot of refitting and resting to do before the next couple of weeks.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Midsummer Blot (June 20-21)” – Odin’s Eye – Pagan Holidays

June 20, 2019June 20, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / Leave a comment

Happy Thor’s Day. Happy Midsummer.

Discussion:

Blot is actually, as I understand it, pronounced as ‘bloat’. But this is a pagan holiday celebrated by nearly every European pagan tradition. It has many names and none of them are purely pagan in origin as Christianity has gotten ahold of a lot of it. But mostly it is a celebration of the longest day of the year. The high day of summer and then it begins to decline back into darkness.

There are a lot of god and goddesses celebrated and having a part in this festival. Balder as the god of light who was killed by Loki’s treachery. Freya and Freyr are both honored as nature and fertility gods on this day. Sif for her golden hair remembering the golden grain of wheat. Njord for fishing. Etc. In short, all the wondrous activities of summer are represented and are honored. For the Vikings, this is the time of raiding too. For all pagans, it is the second most honored day of the year second only to the 12th day of Yuletide.

Lots of things happen on this holiday from feasting and rituals to honor the gods this day. Lots of fruits, vegetables, and beer are consumed. Flowers are used everywhere and the maypole makes another appearance reminding us that this is a fertility festival – so sex is also an undoubtedly part of this too. Think life and living it fully and you got the spirit of this festival.

Time to Look Through the Eye:

Faith:

This festival has a lot of ways to celebrate it. From a faith standpoint, the seasons are one thing that seems to always be there for us in the northern climates. They would definitely be something to trust in and this celebration reminds me of that a lot. Faith in the planet to provide is something that is most sure but also a little bit of belief at times.

Religion:

It is these holidays that push paganism to the edge of being a religion. Asatru is a recognized religion in certain countries. For me, it is not the religious aspects of Asatru that draw me to it but the virtues. That said, I know the power of having a community around you as you work out your faith to both support you and your life. Every holiday reminds me how much I am alone in this at least in my immediate family and other folks. Once I have more certainty about where I am going to live and work it might be time to seek out a community for both learning purposes and that sense of community.

Theology:

I don’t know if the natural forces of this world are guided by nothing or some divine force keeps them balanced and going forward. What I do know is that there is something to be said for stopping and smelling the flowers and enjoying the moment’s life gives you and Midsummer Blot is a good time to do that and pause and meditate on how good life can be at times like this. That as dark and cold as winter can be, summer is bright and warm.

Spirituality:

There is a lot of spirituality to be drawn from life and Midsummer Blot is a festival that focuses on that. It is a time to reflect on life and living it fully. It is a nice reminder of the life part of the cycle of life and death. The fragile nature of life doesn’t seem as fragile on this one. I can resonate in my soul the nice wonder of life and its fruits and joys. It does minister to me in a way I can’t describe and it is these holidays that cause me to have points where I reflect on the spirituality of life.

Conclusion:

So have a beer. Eat strawberries, apples and the fruits and vegetables that are ready. Wonder at the crops that still grow. Make love to your lover and remind yourself that life can be very good at times. That is ultimately what this time of year is about. It is the high point fo the sun and every day will get darker from now on, but the positive is the long night is still far away. Enjoy the sun and the world around you.

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

“Basic Pagan Principles – Freedom of Choosing Deity” – The Pagan Pulpit

June 16, 2019June 19, 2019 / Ed Raby Sr / 1 Comment

Happy Sun’s Day

Announcements:

Theme Song: “Krigsgaldr” – Heilung

Good beat to this one. It’s actually in English so enjoy it.

Meditation:

This idea extends very much to a man’s religion and spirituality.

Text:

In all pagan religions, it is up to the individual to determine what Deity means to them, who or what Deity is right for them and how they ultimately develop their relationship with their chosen Deity. Pagans have many different ideas about what encompasses Deity and how their Deity is represented. It is up to the individual, through study of their religion, meditation and in some cases prayer, to determine what image of Deity is right for them.

Source: http://exotic-pets.yoexpert.com/exotic-pets-general/what-are-some-of-the-basic-principles-of-paganism-2192.html

Sermon:

I am very much interested in Norse Mythology. I love the stories of the gods and goddesses of that pantheon because they resonate with my northern soul and are very cool to put it simply. The question comes: do I actually believe that the gods and goddesses of Norse Mythology – do they actually exist? I would say a rational ‘no’ but at the same time, the pagan idea is that we all conceive of the divine in our own way and it is very possible that divine powers like the Norse pantheon exist.

In reality, we all do this to the divine, the pagans are simply honest about it. I spent 40 years as Christian and half that time as a pastor and I can tell you each individual Christian conceives of the god of the Bible in a very unique way. What happens is each Christian resonates with a different part scripture, usually with a single author or book/passage in particular, more than others and they conceive of their version of the Christian god that way. If you talk to 100 Christians about a certain aspect of the biblical god, you will get 100 distinct answers.

Pagans just honestly say this is normal and that what is really happening with all of us. They take the honest step and say each person’s view of the divine reality is going to be unique and that is what should be. Let each individual decided for themselves what the divine is like and how to relate to it. Talk about a spirituality form that doesn’t have the religious aspect of control to it. The ultimate freedom is here where you get to decide what the divine might be like and how to both approach them and worship them if at all.

I don’t think it takes too long for people to see how I do this. I resonate with Odin a lot. The pilgrim side of Odin in particular. The wanderer looking for truth and knowledge where ever he can find them for me is a powerful and truthful image that relates to me very well. I don’t pray to him because it is my concept and I recognize that. Could I go to a pagan blot and offer up a cup in his name? Yeah, sure. But it would be about community and reaffirming my commitment to the ideals I hold dear for my life.

Odin’s myth is the creator of mankind, so I can look at him as a diest would look at the divine. Thankful for being created, but pretty sure he has more important things to look after than my petty stuff. I need to take care of that shit myself. Going back to the Responsibility of Action as one of the other principles. Yes, I do conceive of deity in my own way, but as a pagan, I simply can also accept that others do the same and that is OK as well. We all seek for the divine, if they exist, in our own way and it is not wrong just the reality of what we do as human beings.

If there is any lesson to be learned here is that we should all just relax when people have a different concept of the divine reality. We shouldn’t force ours on them or accept it when they force theirs on us. We are all just pilgrims looking for the divine in our lives. We shape the understandings we have of that ourselves and that is alright by me as a pagan.

Parting Thought:

I remain,

The Rabyd Skald – Wandering Soul, Bard, and Philosopher. The Grey Wayfarer.

Skaal!!!

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